divorce

hi , my parents are getting a divorce, and i need tips on how to get through it ok, if your parents are divorced it would be very nice to tell me bout it, how things turned out, nothing is going well with me please help

It's rough. I'm afraid I can't give you much advice, since I have quite an unusual setup.. My parents got divorced when I was 6, but they still live together. So I hear them fight a lot (they're in a fight at the moment) and they speak to me in a negative way about the other spouse.

Just get support from your friends, and if you need to just get out and hang with your friends, that's a great way to deal with it. That's what I had to do when my mom and I moved out for a while. I just needed to get out so I could take my mind off of it.

Best of luck to you.

My parents divorced when I was about 4-5, and to be honest it was a good thing in my case, I hated my dad, I still do...

A lot of times its a very good thing. Sometimes divorces are necesary.

I remember years ago my parents would scream and yell at eachother nightly. I had to try to sleep listening to my parents rip into eachother. I could hear it with vivid detail- lots of swearing and nastyness. It was hard to deal with. After about a year of that, they started spending more and more time apart, for a year it was rare for me to see my parents in the same house together. one or the other of them would always be out of town. At one point in the afternoon i had to shelter myself in my room away from their screeming, I could hear the argument, but I don't remember most of it. Something about my fathers infadelity. Anyway, after that my sister an I had to go around town looking for apartments for my father. I don't remember why I had to go, or that she and I had to do the finding, but it was probably my mothers idea. He didn't end up moving out ever, but he spent a lot of time away from home.

I still remember the first argument, actually. The first real one anyway. I remember going upstairs to my sister's room for comfort, and seing her in more tears than I was. It's quite unnerving, going to the last person you have for comfort, and finding that your big sister is no stronger than you are. To be perfectly honest I don't know how glad I am that they stayed together. They faught up until I left the house, and it wasn't long after that I got emails (plural) from my mother saying "we aren't talking again." Something was always going wrong, one or the other was always saying something or doing something that the other didn't like. Anymore, I'm so deaf to it. The most I get involved emotionaly anymore is if their arguing happens to interfear with my television, its just annoying. I don't think thats right, I dont think whitnessing your parents screaming at the top of their lungs at eachother and not caring is right. Its over the most trivial stuff. What spoons to use, what constitutes wrapping paper, which picture frame is better, napkins, what shirt to wear that evening. But it always ends up the same. "I work my ass off every f*cking day" "You think your the only one that works you ass off buddy?" a few more exchanges, eventually ending up with my father being proven wrong, and refusing to admit it, so he just yells "oh F*CK YOU!" and my mother shouting something about that being his signurature phrase. Then he mutters something under his breath, and goes off to pout/hide in his office. Or if its bad enough, he goes off to his office at work all day, and comes back sometime the next morning after sleeping in a motel.

It sucks, I know. My parents are still together, but I can still relate. I'm sorry to hear it, but its for the best.

God im sooo sorry DQ. Truth to be told around here divercmet is more like a tabu. I mean, my parents are together over 20 years now, and the only agruments that were around were becuse of me going to the university. Just hold on ok? Try to stick everything together. I dont know how to help. In fact in very very surprised and scraed in a way to see how many people around here have divorced parents.

Out of 28 people about 20 had divorced parents.

my parents divorced when i was about four. and there was just years and years of terrible fighting after that, involving courts and psychiatrists and scary weird arguments. but my mum also got to a marry a man she really did love and she is so happy now. and if your parents need a divorce, then it's so good that they have the courage to go ahead with it and get divorced and it might not seem like it for you, but it really is so much better in the long run. sometimes, the love just runs out and that is so hard for the kids because parents are meant to stay together, that's just the way it's "meant to be". my earliest chilhood memory is of my dad sreaming at my mum and me running after her into her bedroom and patting her hair whil she cried until she fell asleep. hell, i wish it was of me licking ice cream or catching butterflies but nothing in life can be easy just because you want it to be.

i'm really lucky that it happened when i was little, so i didn't really care/understand but i do understand that it would be so much worse for my parents to be together (it would be AWFUL). it's a really hard age for this to happen to you (a lot of my friend's parents got divorced at when the kids were about 13/14 and i think it was a really difficult time) but don't be too scared or feel alone coz there are loads of people to help. and DEFINITLEY don't think it's your fault or that there is you should have done that would stop it because it's between your parents and all you can do is support their decision and remember this must be a relly hard time for them, too.

the fighting and the tearing apart of a family is really hard and things don't always get better straight away. like with my family, years after the divorce my dad still tried to get me back and he did really mean things like not not give my mum a penny in child support in the last 12 years, even when she was a broke single parent/drama student alone in a foreign country, as a kind of 'punishment'. but you know, it's really made me stronegr as a person and i'm so happy about that and i'm it's made me really independent and it makes me appreciate my happiness now a lot more and i think that is a really important thing in life. so you'll be stronger and in the end,you'll work through this and be a better person for it.

i know it's really hard for you but honestly, things really do get better. things will stop being so horribly confusing and you'll stop hurting so much. this is a really lonely and hard time and i'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well but, hey, look at all of these people! we're all hear to help you out and listen if you ever feel crappy or depressed. just let me know if you ever want someone to talk to...you're never alone

Yeah, SK, I think the statistic in America now is something like 50% of marriages fail, but I'm not certain.

Arvy- My parents were married twenty years before they separated. Of course, because of my mom's issues, they were constantly in and out of marriage counseling because my dad thought there was something wrong with him. As soon as the counselor diagnosed my mom with bipolar disorder, bam. Mom immediately wanted to switch counselors.

First of all, Darg, let me tell you how infinitely sorry I am. I know how hard it is. My parents separated when I was nine, but got back together three months later. Unfortunately, those three months in between our mother kept us away from our dad in a strange house in a different city. I have not-so-affectionately dubbed that time period the Three Months in Hell. Nice, huh?

Then my parents got back together. They rarely fought in front of my sisters and I, but the tension was clear. I'm pretty sure that my dad was sleeping on the couch to give my mom some space, but I'm not sure. So things progressed and my parents stayed (unhappily) married for the rest of '99, and '00. In late 2001, when I was finishing up fifth grade, my mom started getting really, really weird again. She started spending exorbitant amounts of money on clothes and other ridiculous things. On one particular occasion, she spent over $10,000. My family used to be really well off financially, but clearly, my mom took care of that.

Anyway. They separated AGAIN during the summer between fifth and sixth grade, and that was probably the worst summer of my life, no exaggeration. All throughout my sixth grade year ('01-'02) my parents were in and out of the courtroom, and the divorce was (finally) finalized around April of 2002. That next summer was not especially good, but not nearly as bad as the one prior. Things stayed tense, but there were no more major problems until over a year later, when I was fourteen and in the 8th grade. Both of my dogs were killed, most likely poisoned, because there wasn't a scratch on them when we found them in our yard. I have no solid evidence that could be presented in a court, but I just know that it was my mom...I can't prove it, but I know it in my heart.

Now, then, Darg, I don't know what your situation is like, but I do know that divorce is a horrible, horrible, lonely feeling. You love both your parents and don't want to hurt either one, but you can't live with both. Do you have any siblings? I think that makes it better and worse at the same time, because you can support each other, but you also have to make sure you want to live with the same parent. I have three sisters (one older, two younger) and throughout all the terrible things we've been through, we've really bonded together. People always say it's weird how well we get along, but our circumstances have made our relationship as sisters much stronger.

I saw this thread last night but didn't get time to reply because I had to go to bed, but I prayed for you, and I will continue to do so. I know it's awful, but it does get a little better with time. I don't know if the ache ever goes away, because I'm still feeling it six years later. Things will settle down and fall into a pattern. I'll continue to pray for you....good luck, sweetie.

My parents got divorced exactly a year ago, and i had to move to two new houses. But its ok, cause it doesn't take too long to travel between them. I've got used to the routine now, and i've gotten used everything. So dont worry!! It'll all turn out fine, and there are loads of people you can talk to if you need to.

My parents got divorced when I was 5 and they made me choose who i wanted to live with well i loved both my parents and i was only 5 and it turned out ok but now I have a hate thing about my dad...but any ways it is good to talk to tour closest friend to get over the bad!

My parents never got married. They didn't even marry when they found out my mom was pregnant. My mom and my dad lived together until I was about three and then my mom had custody of me. I saw my dad at least once a week until I was six or seven when he moved about a thousand miles away to SC. I only got to see him once a year and the one time I did see him each year, he and my mom would fight if they were even in the same room. I started to see less and less of him, talking on the phone once a week or so... When I turned eleven, we began to grow cloer and saw each other about three times a year. I have just started flying alone and can fly up to see him whenever I want to.

My mom remarried (actually, married for the first time) when I was six and I grew up with a kind stepfather. I love him and he treats me like his daughter. Don't get me wrong, its not the same as having your dad around. I never called him dad, always by his first name. It will never change and I dont mind that.

Divorce is hard, believe me. But after a while, it will get better, I promise. At first, it is gonna be hard and you may have to choose between them. My dad always has given me the option to move in with him but I never could. That is one of the hardest things a person can have to do and I hope you dont have to make that dcision. I love my parents, my step dad and my baby half brother, but it is hard esp. with my bro because I know that he is only half related to me. Stay strong, be close with your friends and hope. Do your best to not favor one parent and everything will work out.

areida07 wrote:I saw this thread last night but didn't get time to reply because I had to go to bed, but I prayed for you, and I will continue to do so. I know it's awful, but it does get a little better with time. I don't know if the ache ever goes away, because I'm still feeling it six years later. Things will settle down and fall into a pattern. I'll continue to pray for you....good luck, sweetie.

thanks guys.... my parents have been married for 25 years.... i new this was coming a year ahead of time, in the summer my parents spent less and less time to gether, going on seperate vacations with one parent never knowing why, at one point my dad moved into the guest room, now he lives in an apartment, i dont know if my parents will ever remarry, it is sorta against my religion(*not really just if you dont get the marraige nulled and you get remarried you cant recieve eucarist ) my mom really loved my dad, i am not so sure about my dad, but it seemed like it earlier on, i have 2 siblings an older sister just turned 16, younger brother just turned 10..... my sister treats my parents horrible( mostly my mom) she is all very disobediant and un helpfull, super mean and sarcastic, my brother is really bad with both parents, he whines and every time we go some where he wants to buy something, he never usues it, when everi tell him or my sister about how i fell , my brother cries and complains, about how he has no freinds that stck up for him, he does he just whines, my sister is like "shut up william(yeah thats my name)!" and i have to tell her multiple times, "go down stairs and apologize to mom"; feel's like i am the only one who tries to be nice to my mom, when were opening presents and other people arent done my sister will just get up and leave, and that makes my mom really sad , because it makes her fell like tori(sisters name) doesnt want anything to do with her... i i felll so ... like the only one who is trying to make things better, my parents also spend more time with my sister and brother(mostly my brother, his names is ben) i am the middle child and feel left behind... one time is school this one kid when ever he passed by he would say "25 years is a long time"(i mean what the hell was his **** problem), people still act like jerks to me and even when they know what happend, i just fell soo.... hurt....

I remember what it was like to feel like you're the only one trying to make the best of the situation...my oldest sister used to be really nasty to my mom and my younger sister would throw lots of tantrums (she was only 6 when it first happened) and then my baby sister (at age 3) generally just cried a lot...she of course, had no idea what was happening. So usually I would just beg my two sisters to be nice to Mom and hold the baby while she cried. I think our ages were 12, 9, 6, and 3, so none of us really had a semi-adult to look to while we lived with our mom.

It's tough...maybe you could talk to your siblings. I don't know how well you guys get along, but having the support of your siblings makes it infinitely better, I promise. Different people react in different ways, and your sister's lashing out is the only way she knows. That reminds me a lot of my older sister, too. Your younger brother reminds me of my youngest sister...my mom has allowed her to whine so she does that when we're with our mom and she gets upset. Both are extremely hard to deal with, but don't, and I repeat DO NOT just retreat into your own little world. That's my method of handling things and now after shoving all the hurt and anger down, it's starting to resurface and "come back to haunt me", if you will.

Find somebody you can talk to. It hurts like hell to talk about it, but if you can, I promise it helps. I never got to talk about it, so now when I do, and then go have a good cry (LOL...that may be more of a girly thing.. ) and go to sleep, I wake up feeling much lighter, and ready to go on. I'm still praying for you, William.

areida07 wrote:I never got to talk about it, so now when I do, and then go have a good cry (LOL...that may be more of a girly thing.. ) and go to sleep, I wake up feeling much lighter, and ready to go on. I'm still praying for you, William.

in my opinion its not a girly thing, you know how some boys say they never cry, they are just trying to be tough, they have, they do, and they will some more... its not a girly thing.. thanx

so here my two cents worth...

My parents are seperated, I actually like the arrangement we have, I live with my mom and my dad lives a few blocks away in his apartment. It was all screaming and yelling and hell, me picking up the pieces. but enough about me.

my two cents

--everyone reacts to things differently --

since I don't know the exact situation I can only extrapelate.

your sister probably blames your mother for the divorce thus in true freudian form is using the defense mechanism of displacement. using your mother as the punching bag for everything that's happening in her life. thus everything is your mother's fault that's why all the anger.

your brother, well being ten and all, I think he doesn't really understand the reasons for the divorce, can't get a handle on it, and thinks that's why he wants all those things...wait did that make any sense...ah well. I think you brother wants some gratification, because if his thought pattern is what I think it is: your parents wronged him by not staying together.

but that's just my humble opinion.

and you

just know there are people out there i.e. everyone who has posted here that care for you and your well being.
they say time heals all pain, that's not always true but there is always hope.

I agree with arieda find someone, anyone you can connect with. It infinitely helps. It also remindes me of something someone, I'm not sure who said or maybe it was my alter-ego, "Heart pain is like poision and with silence it will fester and grow until it cosumes you. But by voicing the pain (to someone) it subsibes and with time fades, becoming a miniscule importantance to life. You may think of it from time to time but it will not consume your thoughts."

cheers CL