Bury Her Anyway

Secluded from community,
you like your dark corner, don't you?

Tiny plush rabbits.
Ankhs and chains.
I'm still living,
don't put me in this box.

Madman!
Eye-like windows blink.

Boredom.
Where do your daydreams go?

Paint a gloomy hallway,
with an array of colors
(it doesn't matter how it turns out).

Say the pledge.
After all,
it's fun to talk to cloth.

Raise my hand,
I don't know the answer.

Blue eyes,
animated expression.
It's never too late to lie.

Sentence number five
speaks of deficiencies.
Why'd you read it out loud?

Fates, families, and mansions.
They affect eachother?

Sprawled on a couch,
she's had another attack.
She's still breathing.
Oh well.
Pick up your shovel and dig a grave.

It's good for you.

Just a quick disclaimer: Sorry for not knowing much about poetry. I tried this today in english class and I just want somethoughts on how it turned out.

My friend, you are amazing. No lie. I love you, I want you to marry me, too! =]

O.o? Alright then. Gay marriage is good. (not. Sorry. I'm straight XD)

Thankyou? ^^; ?

Your title pulled me in, which is really good, because I don't crit a lot of things based on their titles. One quick fix on it, though: "Anyways" isn't a word. "Bury Her Anyway" is not only grammatically correct, but also has that extra "what could this be about?" quality to it.

Onto the poem: it bored me, to be honest. The title is really nice, but then the poem just kind of trudges along. You don't really have a set topic in this poem: it jumps from a loner with rabbits and ankhs, to the Pledge of Allegience. A weird hopping of topics that I'm still not quite sure on. Grammatically and spelling-wise, you're pretty good. Just a couple of punctuation issues I found, but nothing so horrible I need to point them out (if you read it out loud, with the pauses that commas/periods/etc make, you'll find them).

All in all, just clean it up a little bit. Use some more imagry, show rather than tell (which is silly of me to say, because I'm very guilty of telling), and make it more interesting.

Thanks for sharing!
kf

thankyou for the critique. I have to say, I disagree with some of what you said, but I'll take it into consideration.

Less "poor me" here? I don't really know. Let's find out.

I must say, I have become a fan of yours. Once again, this was beautiful.
Oh, and that title. Gotta love the title. It drew me in.
I honestly couldn't find any flaws. But then again, I'm not very picky.

Thankyou for the compliment! It means tons to me!

wow...this was awesome. your stanzas (or whatever) were short and blunt, and that made the point go home with me every line.

sometimes the world needs a good slap in the face. i'm now going to read it again.

wow...harsh the first time, harsh the second time. loved it!

Wow! Thankyou! This means so much to me all the compliments from everyone!

Cmarie, please refream that kind of comment on a crit, and keep it only in PMs...-.-

The crit:

I like this. I don't really see what it's about, but, it's good. Try to add more detail into this. This has potental. I hope this helps!

-Rick.

This has a really really good title that pulled me in and made me want to read this poem. That's a good thing.

Now... to the poem itself. It's random. Too random. Consider: you are sitting, typing on your computer, when suddenly I burst into your home and tell you about partial differential equations and how they can be used in the fields of physics and chemistry. Random? Yes. But that is your poem. It seems like the narrator is totally ADD. ^_^

Anyway! The image I got from the title was of somebody being buried alive... which is slightly morbid, but altogether interesting. Not some random, "Yay, ADD!" moment. The random ADD moment totally takes away this image. So you're going to want to use the imagery that you had from the very beginning with the title. I would scrap the entire poem and save the title, simply because the title is stronger than the poem. Then I would rewrite the poem entirely with this new thought.

But I want to write professionally, so I am looking at this in a professional manner of what I would do. You may not care that much.

Whatever. Play with this poem and see what you can come up with!

Wow. I loved this poem. It's so... uhh... loss of words sorry.

I'm a fan of yours already. You are so my favorite poet. lol. This poem is amazing, beautiful. Ack, I loved it.

This is all I can say to you. YOU ARE AWESOME! AWESOME! JUST LIKE ME! lol.

*sigh* Your poem was AWESOME, man, AWESOME!!!!! You are AWESOME!

Your fan,
Casey the AWESOME

P.S.
You are AWESOME!

Thankyou for the critiques but I won't be changing this poem as to the fact that some people really seem to enjoy it...!

THANKYOU for the praise as well!