Heat

This was very deep and moving. You tell the feelings so well! I feel like I am right back in my first relationship with a women. (and my last). You know how wrong it is, but it just feels so right. Then all of the sudden everything your pastor ever told you starts rushing through your head. You showed that so completely.

Very well written. I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes. The feeling and the mood is captured very well. I love this!

Outside I star walking for home, it’s just a few blocks away and dark enough no one can see me cry.

Very well done... very emotional as well. I agree with OE, it was a very moving piece. It's also sad in a way, that a book is the thing that stops them from being with each other... But so long as one of them believes and acts on the belief that them being together and feeling like that towards each other is wrong, the relationship won't work. So I agree with how you ended it. I'm sad for the characters, but I see why the story ended that way.

You captured the emotions pretty well, I think. I've never been in a relationship like that, homosexual or otherwise, so I can't say for sure how you did. I just know that I can picture and understand the characters easily, and feel what they're feeling easily as well. In that, you did perfect.

I know there's always room for improvement, but other than the one, single typo I caught, I couldn't find anything that should be changed, or what I think would be better changed. The emotions were outstanding, and the imagery was well done as well.

Definitely worth a star.

Dreamer

I loved it! It was very moving. You have a great gift with telling emotions.

Wow. You did an amazing job at conveying your main character's emotions and I had tears in my eyes when I'd gotten to the end of this piece. Sentimental, I know, but this is very touching.

Don't have anything to complain about.

~Kalliope

That was hot hehe :p

No really, great peice of writing there.

You presented the contradicting thoughts and feelings very well i think and the description was awesome.

I didn't find any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors or anything.

Great job

Kadie x

"The touch of our lips sent my mind into a primal sate. Our heat overtook the dark room." State?

[i]"Our carnal urges flooding out of every pour and spreading into the stillness of night."[/] Pour = pour water from a bucket. Pore = sweat glands in skin, etc.

Mmm! Steamy! Haha! Very nice. Other than those two mistakes, I don't have anything to complain about. This was very good. The pacing was appropriate, and I love the tension you leave at the end of the story with him leaving. The reader is rooting for love as well. Good job! ^^ Keep writing!

~Yoyo

That was deep. Very moving.

It makes you see the wrongness of shaming gay lovers. Its wrong to shame them. Its who they are.

Hey Adam.

The hesitance boomed like a fog horn.

I'm not really a fan of this simile; how is a fog horn related to the title of "heat"?

That sharp jaw and soft smile are more than I can take. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” I said as I reached the door handle. Pushing it slowly so his parents won’t wake.

You can combine the last sentence with the sentence before it.

Overall impressions:

Was this for your creative writing assessment Adam? I actually quite liked this. I like how you focused the "heat" aspect of a relationship into a simple yet well written and worded piece that is quite riveting and enjoyable to read. Not only does it capture the physical intimacy of sex, it also shows the emotional side too (and near the end, it's quite cute lol) so kudos to you on that.

One other nitpick that I have is this bit:

We can’t. I can’t.” I get up, not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to see those beautiful eyes accepting me. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand. Not everyone can accept themselves for who they are.” He’s so kind. I want him so much, but my mind is calling the shots now. The Bible is ringing through my skull while my heart is cracking.

I think maybe you can show to us his reaction (or the narrator's reaction) in this bit a bit more. It seems like an important bit in the piece. Also, I noticed you used "heart" several times. It's not a big deal, but I think you can maybe reduce the number of times you use "heart" down a bit to reduce repetition and so that it doesn't end up feeling like a piece that is riddled with "heart" cliches.

But overall, I liked this. Well done Adam. "gold stars "

Andy.

P.S: You seem to be quite good writing in the point of view of a female. You should try doing romance man

Andy was right, this peice was exellently written. . I like how you don't tell us right away it's two boys. When I heard forbidden I thought of incest or something worse. But how ya made it all come down to something that's really normal. It's sad, that the boy just won't let it up that it's his life. I feel sorry for him though. Overall a great peice, and how it ends it tragic. You could make this into a story and come across with the characters letting it all go. This deserves a star so it gets a star. Heh.

I thought this was a very well written, moving piece. Nice job .

This is great, Adam. You portray such a strong sense of atmosphere and emotion! Your tense needs some work and I have a few structural suggestions but generally, it can't be faulted:

I felt the soft cotton of my shirt sliding away from my skin, edging over my head and slinking to the floor.

He slipped off his shirt as well. [This seems a little abrupt and cuts the flow. I don't know if you desired that affect but I think it breaks the atmosphere a touch.] Creeping up my stomach[Maybe a semi colon here or at least a comma?] I felt his lips lightly pucker, Shivers of pleasure raced along my back. It was all I could do to not scream. [I think this last sentence could be stronger. You're very good at showing rather than telling, so use that here. Maybe something like 'Strangled screams caught in my throat, held back merely by force of will.' Though I'm sure your imagination can think of something much more beautiful and fitting.]

His arms wrapped around me, lips making contact, hot and powerful [I'd suggest a full stop here.] my eyes remained closed.

Still, we continued. He regained control, that strong, masculine hand sliding on [Maybe up or across or down would be better?] my thigh, the thick denim wasn’t enough to block the sensation. [I'd suggest an edit to this last part. Perhaps: '...my thigh; the thick denim not enough to block such sweet sensations.']

Ever so slightly, ever so quiet, he slid them off. They [I'd suggest using that rather than they.] felt so good it hurt.

[Read my comment at the end of this quoted section before you look at the suggested changes...]The warmth [s]is[/s] was gone. The raw heat turning to cold grim reality.

“We can’t. I can’t.” I [s]get[/s] got up, not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to see those beautiful eyes accepting me. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand. Not everyone can accept themselves for who they are.” He’s so kind. I want him so much, but my mind is calling the shots now. [Maybe put this line in italics to show direct thought? It's so lovely in present tense that changing it would be a real shame...] The Bible [s]is[/s] was ringing through my skull while my heart [s]is[/s] was cracking.

I pulled my clothes back on in the darkness. I [s]don’t[/s] didn't want to see his face. That sharp jaw and soft smile [s]are[/s] were more than I [s]can[/s] could take. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” I said as I reached the door handle. Pushing it slowly so his parents [s]won’t[/s] wouldn't wake.

No one else seems to have noticed but you jumped into present tense here and then back and forth, back and forth. There again, at first I thought 'awesome, this is a really good use of changing the tense. It really fits with his change in emotion and his decision to follow his head rather than his heart.' Haha. So I don't know if you want to maybe convert the whole of the second part to present or fix it so that it's all past but I assume the latter and now I'm babbling...

My voice was shaking, I [s]can[/s] could barely mutter, “I wish I could too.”

Outside I started walking for home, [s]it’s[/s] it was just a few blocks away and dark enough no one [s]can[/s] could see me cry.

_________________________

Okay so I absolutely love this. The extended theme of heat is really great and you have such a strong persona, great description, atmosphere... basically I can fault nothing more than what I've pointed out. Though I do agree with Andy that you could show the other person's reaction more, his disapointment and acceptance. Maybe his hope that things would change? That ending just seemed a touch rushed after all the long, lovely description.

Great work, feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xx

This was Wow!! You did a great job with the emotions of the MC, you're an awesome writer. This deserves a star!!!

The emotion in this was really great. When I first started reading it, I was like "oh great, another stupid sex story." But this had so much heart to it.

I will say at first thought that I didn't catch on that it was a guy. I was reading it from the point of view of a girl, until you mentioned 'boxers.' Which is it supposed to be? It could be either, I suppose, if not for the gender-specific undergarments. After all, the sex before marriage aspect could come in.

Anyway, very nice piece. I ached for them in the end, but at the same time, I admire the MC's strength in adhering to their principles. Very, very nice.

*cheers*

~GryphonFledgling

This was brillant Adam. So amazingly brillant.

I wish I could give you more, but really I can't.

Bravo, and Merry Writing!
~Bella~

This was so brilliant. I could actually feel the tension from the narrator--battling religion with his lust for the guy. You gave it the right amount of detail to make it erotic, but not pornographic. However, I think since the guy is in lust you could describe what made him lust after the lover. I loved the inner conflicts, but however I think you can make it more fresh--a bit more conflict. Is religion all that is forbidding them? What about the guy's parents? It was a wonderful story, just a little more insight sooner--I actually thought at first that it was a woman and a man trying to make love until I reached the word "boxers." Extremely good, just needs a deeper dig.