October Afternoons

I quite like the description. But I don't like the name 'Billy'. Just my prejudice against plain names...

There are only a few technical problems.

"Neither of us moved, the silence not awkward, but thoughtful. My future was something far off and distant; I had all the time in the world to consider it.
“Once a year, every year,” I concluded finally, solidly. I decided that the shaded patch underneath the elm tree at the top of the hill behind Parker Jones’ place was a thing to be savored. It would be like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. This place would be that single Wonka candy bar that Charlie Bucket received every year for his birthday that he nibbled on for weeks." Needs to be a space between paragraphs here. And at the end it needs to be 'changed' instead of 'change', just a typo of course.

I like stories about elm trees, or any trees for that matter. I feel like you could lengthen this a bit, add some lazy memories and a few more pieces of interesting dialogue. But other then that, I liked it.

^_^

Hey there!

I liked elements of this but it doesn't seem.....satisfying. I want more. I want there to have been more of everything: description, emotion, facts, memories. Life.

A couple of mistakes/suggestions etc:

If Billy pointed out to me what he claimed to a garbage truck on a hockey rink in the clouds,

Should be a 'be' after 'to' and before 'a'.

It would be like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I don't like this sentence and I feel like it's a bit irrelevant, especially if you don't read the next sentence.

Only, I feel I have just completed a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle and am only admiring the finished product from a distance.

Lots of 'only's' in this sentence and they aren't really doing much, in particular the second one.

If this place has not change, than I suppose that I must have

'Change' should be 'changed'. It's not the strongest line to end on, perhaps try re-phrasing it. Something like:
The place had not changed at all, it seemed like the last ten years hadn't existed at all. The only change was the person standing in it.

Overall, good with lots of potential for a longer, more in-depth piece on memories etc. I like your style and your tone, it was perfect for the piece. Just try to expand on this so it's less of a mush of paragraphs and more of a story.

Also, please don't use this font as it nearly killed my eyes when I tried to quote from it.

All the best and keep writing,
Alainna
xxx

Hello again! Same format as always.



Highlighted Comments

1. Very confusing beginning. I’d suggest something more like: ‘When I was fourteen…’ Also, this is pure telling. Slip these details into the writing, don’t just state them all. And maybe begin with action. She could be walking up the hill and spot Bill (where we learn his name and that he’s her best friend,) and then they can lay down (where we can learn where they are and what her favorite pastime is.)
2. A little too poetic – it’s too wordy. Cut back on the description here a bit.
3. I don’t like the repetition of ‘if.’ Maybe ‘When Billy pointed out a cloud to me, claiming it was a garbage truck on a hockey rink, I would insist that it was a French poodle on a trampoline.’
4. Good, but maybe expand before this a bit. What’s it feel like there? Capture the emotions.
5. Suggestion: ‘maybe even get…’
6. I’d ditch this; it’s getting wordy. Maybe have her look at him, confused, and have him elaborate? Or show how close they are by showing that she automatically know what he’s talking about.
7. Odd. Maybe ‘Billy’s voice broke the customary…’
8. Hmmm…I just don’t like this too much. Maybe ‘It has been the last weekend before school started, and we were [doing something. Taking advantage of every moment they could on the hill?]’
9. Watch your descriptions; you tend to become wordy and too poetic.
10. I don’t think you should start with ‘so.’ It can work, but not here. Also, you need a more definite break. I’d show them return to silence on the hill, and then fade out. Then I would show that she’s now looking at the elm tree with aged eyes.
11. Expand on why she didn’t do as she said she would.
12. I like the repetition, but again, watch the description lengths.
13. Suggestion: ‘still.’
14. You forgot to double space here. Also, expand on this, a lot. It’s the whole point of the story.

Overall Comments

I really liked this. You have a unique voice, but sometimes too unique. You seem to get lost in description in some areas, then rush in others. Even it out a bit.

Also, the time change is forced. My suggestion? Start with her looking at the hill, and have her and Billy form in front of her eyes. She can remember that one day, and then she can come back to reality. Really focus on the present time, since that’s the main part. The rest is just reminiscing.

Great piece, but not as good as the last one. You have a strong voice, and great ideas, but they need to be developed more.

I look forward to reading more of your work. PM me when you get something else up, okay?

Oh, one last thing. I don’t mind the text, since I copy this into Word and alter it to my liking, but others will be annoyed by this. It’s an eye sore.

~JFW1415

Oh, so pretty! I must first say that your title caught my eye right away so good job with that.

Second, this is a very beautiful piece. I feel that the ending seemed a bit rushed and you left us asking questions. Where is Billy? What has conspired that has changed her? Why hasn't she come back in over 10 years? And so on. If you don't choose to continue this, you might want to take these questions into account.

Anyway, I only found one thing I would change:

If Billy pointed out to me what he claimed to a garbage truck on a hockey rink in the clouds, I would suggest instead a French poodle on a trampoline.

This should be: If Billy pointed out to me what he claimed to be a garbage truck on a hockey rink in the clouds, I would suggest instead that it was a French poodle on a trampoline.

Otherwise, this is very good.

Let me know if you choose to write more on this subject!

Wow, after all these long and detailed reviews I come along with my shrunken opinion. I really like the ideas discussed in this story, memory and the passage of time and all that. I would have loved it if you would have expounded more on the next to last paragraph, really illustrating how much time has passed and yet how everything is still preserved as the narrator remembers it. But still, a good story.

kudos