Moonlight (redone)

This is the reedit of my story. I changed things around after learning how to write with wovles and learned more wolf pack structure and habits.

Lethero put his snout to the ground and took in the many scent of the surrounding forest. It was filled with the familiar scents of scat, urine, and other woodland creatures, but there was a scent that stood out from the rest. A scent he feared and hated. A scent of a beast that chased him from his home and brought much pain and suffering to his pack. His ears stood up trying to see if he could hear the noises that went with the smell, but all he heard was the quiet sounds of the forest at night.

“Keep silent and stay alert,” Lethero growled to his pack behind him. “There are humans around.” He continued forward, his paws noiseless against the soft forest floor. He felt the tension of the pack behind him, all ready to flee in a seconds notice.

It was two days since they had to run from their home. The night was quiet as it was now, but then the silent night was broken by howls from hunting dogs and the cries from the humans as they charged forward. Yelps, howls, and much snarling tore through the night. Lethero and what was left of his pack ran as fast and as far as they could. Once they covered their scent they rested and continued as far away from their old home and went in search for a new one. Only two members of the pack were lost that night: Lethero’s mate: Arnora and his only cub: Io.

“Lethero, can we stop and rest. My paws grow weary,” called Porla, a she-wolf whose fur was darker than the sky above them.

“A little further,” Lethero replied. “The scent of humans is still in this area.” They continued farther into the dark forest. The only sound they heard was their own heavy breathing and the chirps from the crickets.

“Stop here,” Lethero growled when they reached a thick cluster of trees on the crest of a small hill. It was free of human scent anywhere nearby and provided cover from anyone that could stumble across them. “Arnora, Polosk, see if you can find food. Porla and Tilon, you can rest. I will keep watch.”

“No, I will keep watch,” said Tilon, “you need to rest. You’re pushing yourself to hard.”

Lethero’s lips raised to a snarl exposing his white teeth. “It is my duty to protect the pack,” he growled. “I will keep watch.”

“But, Lethero...” Tilon let out a yelp as Lethero bit him by the scruff of his grey furred neck roughly, silencing him instantly. Tilon backed up and exposed his neck to Lethero in submission. “As you wish.”

“Anyone else have any objections?” Lethero growled menacingly. The pack stayed silent as the woods around them. “Good.” Lethero paced to the edge of the trees and stared over the expanse of woods below him. He laid down and placed his head on his paws. Slowly his eyes grew heavy and he unwillingly drifted off to sleep.

First, I enjoyed the description you used in this. Good job. Secondly, there were only two things I felt the need to point out, which were changing a period to a question mark and fixing the word "to" because it wasn't in the right...form, kind of ("to" vs "too").

“Lethero, can we stop and rest? My paws grow weary,” called Porla, a she-wolf whose fur was darker than the sky above them.

“No, I will keep watch,” said Tilon, “you need to rest. You’re pushing yourself too hard.”

I do like this, though it's a little short. Is it meant to be a prologue, or just the start to a chapter? Either way, definitely keep going with it.

Boon, have I ever told you how much I love you? I mean, really, look at this! 500 words! You are too amazing for words. ;P

Before I begin, I feel obligated to tell you that I don’t know much about wolves, although I can tell what just wouldn’t be true. (I do know animals.)

Also, I have an odd reviewing style. First comes a little ramble from me before I read (this part.) Then comes your piece. The red contains grammar/spelling alterations. The numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with my numbered ‘highlighted comments’ below, and that is my nit-picky part. Finally comes my overall, where I make you believe in yourself again. ;P

Be forewarned: I can be brutal!




Highlighted Comments

1. For some reason, beginning a story like this always bugs me. Since this is present tense, you can do so much more. Maybe say ‘The wind ripped through Lethero’s fur as he rested his snout to the ground, taking in the many scents of the surrounding forest.’
2. Need help rewording? (Too many scents.) Maybe something like: The familiar scents of scat, urine, and other creatures flooded his senses, but one stood out from the rest. One he feared and hated: the one of a beast that had chased him from his home, whom had brought much pain and suffering to his pack.’ See how I ditched the ‘scents?’ If you did that, though, I’d end the previous sentence when he puts his snout to the ground, leaving out the part of his taking in the scents.
3. Do you realize that you’ve used FIVE ‘scents’ in here?
4. Maybe give us a visual before this. I don’t feel I know enough, and I had no idea that there was a pack behind him. Extra: reading the paragraph, I really need a visual before hand, otherwise it’s very confusing.
5. My initial impression was that he was lying down. I’d say he put his snout in the AIR originally; it makes it easier to understand.
6. Show us a bit more, please. What’s it feel like? What’s his pack like? Are some terrified, some proud, some bored – what?
7. I automatically thought this was a tense mix up. I’d say ‘had been as’ instead.
8. I’d use ‘at the time’ instead.
9. They are the beasts, no?
10. Run-on!
11. This is extra information, so it gets commas. (Colons are confusing, I know. ;P)
12. A little odd…I’d rephrase a bit, or introduce her to us as a VERY sophisticated wolf before she speaks. Maybe show her walking up, and then have her say this?
13. Suggestion: with.
14. Show that the pack trusts him and will listen, even if they are tired. (Do mothers pick up their cubs? Do they exchange looks, but not complain?)
15. She’s dead.
16. Whose he to say? I’d show that he does have some authority, or is just the trouble-making kind.
17. A dash is needed – he’s being cut off.
18. I’d ditch this. It takes away from the action.
19. Expand, a lot.
20. Seems a bit contradictory. He can mean this, but I don’t think he’d use these exact words.
21. Getting a bit old. I think ‘asked’ is fine here.
22. Show us, don’t tell us.
23.What’s going on? Is he thinking of his dead family? I think that would be good – expand on his emotions here. Then he can lay down, exhausted from what’s been going on.
24. This doesn’t make sense. (Maybe try what I said in number 23?) If you do that, then it may work, but I’d suggest showing that another wolf (that had been laying down) stood to take watch. Don’t kill the pack! (I’d like that ending. It would give him more depth, since he lost his family.)

Overall Comments

I honestly didn’t think I’d like this, considering what it’s about. However, it’s really well done. Besides what I mentioned above, my main problem was the characters. They are wolves, but they need more depth. Give us reasons WHY they act and talk the way they do, and be consistent. (I pointed out parts above.) Right now you’re telling them to do stuff. Tilon can’t argue because he wants to – he needs to argue because he’s Tilon. Make sense?

Overall, good job. Is there more? It didn’t really seem like a full story. I suppose it could end here, but there’s so much more you could do with it (especially expanding on him losing his family.)

PM me (or catch me in the chat) with any questions, if you’re bored, or if you’d like me to review something else! I need more stars…heehee.

~JFW1415

Sorry for the wait! The previous crit I did took some time to post. ^^;

A scent of a beast that chased him from his home and brought much pain and suffering to his pack.

Maybe split this into two sentences? Then your sentence structure, which repeated only twice, will be more effective in three sentences. A scent of a beat that chased him from his home. A scent of the monster that brought [!] much pain and suffering to his pack.

[!]: Did the beat bring him much pain or the pack much pain?

...but all he heard [s]was[/s] were the quiet sounds of the forest at night.

Sounds is plural. ^_^

He continued forward, his paws noiseless against the soft forest floor. He felt the tension of the pack behind him, all ready to flee in a second's notice.

You could probably expand a bit more on the sound his paws made and stuff, maybe include the weather. I dunno, but maybe expand on that. ^^

It [s]was[/s] had been two days since they had to run from their home. [s]The[/s] That night was as quiet as it was now, but [s]then the silent night[/s] the peace was broken by howls from hunting dogs and [s]the[/s] cries from [s]the[/s] humans as they [the hunters, right?] charged forward.

Once they covered their scent, they rested and continued as far away from their old home [s]and went[/s] in search [s]for[/s] of a new one.

Only two members of the pack were lost that night: Lethero’s mate: [comma instead] Arnora and his only cub: [comma instead] Io.

No, not the colons, lol. BUT you're on the right track, and I'm downright proud of that! In this case, you get commas in your list. But take a look at this example:

Only two members of the pack were lost that night: Lethero's mate, Arnora; his son, Io; and his sister, Kali.

Kali was an example name. But notice how I used semis. If you had three names, you would use semis to separate each "item," if you will. That's because your items have commas in them, so it would be confusing with all the commas. If you used commas in my example, it would be saying the members lost were Lethero's mate and Arnora and his son and Io and his sister and Kali. Get it? If not, ask me later or ignore this for now.

“Lethero, can we stop and rest. [question mark instead] My paws grow weary,” called Porla, a she-wolf whose fur was darker than the sky above them.

Maybe put the tag after the question? When introducing new characters like this, I like putting the tag after the first phrase they say usually. ^_^

“The scent of humans is still in this area.”

Good verb use here! I felt like complimenting you, 'cause people fall for using are when they see the plural word humans in this case. Bravo! ^_^

It was free of human scent [s]anywhere nearby[/s] and provided cover from anyone that could stumble across them.

“Arnora, Polosk, [dash instead] see if you can find food. Porla and Tilon, [dash instead] you can rest. I will keep watch.”

“No, I will keep watch,” said Tilon, [period instead] “[s]you[/s] You need to rest. You’re pushing yourself too hard.”

Lethero’s lips raised to a snarl, exposing his white teeth.

I would put a comma here anyway, but it depends if you want Lethero to expose the teeth or the snarl to.

Tilon let out a yelp as Lethero [rougly?] bit him by the scruff of his grey-furred neck [s]roughly[/s], silencing him instantly.

I wouldn't use roughly, but if you wanted to, put it where I suggested.

The pack stayed as silent as the woods around them.

Lethero paced to the edge of the trees and stared over the expanse of [s]woods[/s] trees below him. He laid down and placed his head on his paws. Slowly his eyes grew heavy and he unwillingly drifted off to sleep.

Maybe make this its own paragraph.

Okay, I really liked this. It makes me happy to see you improve in your wolf stories. I can actually picture wolves now and.. I'm just impressed and excited for the next part.

Maybe expand a bit on the attack at home, but that's only because I don't know the plot yet. Lol.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

P.S. Sorry if I repeated anything.