Deleted

Deleted; off to enter in a competition.

Wow, I liked this a lot. It was so sad! The only thing I would change is that some of the conversation between Danny and Dean, when they were talking about drugs and their addictions, seemed a bit cliche. Would people who had such a serious addiction and who lived on the streets really be talking like that? Some of their grammar and tone reminded me more of teenagers. Unless, of course, they were supposed to be teenagers....

Other than that, I don't think I would change anything. Nice work!

Hey Heidi!

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. What I'm going to complain over are small things, kay?

-You use the word "and" way too much in the first paragraph. This can sometimes be effective, but it didn't quite cut it.

-At first I thought he didn't know Dean. I'd make it clear that Dean had a familiar face.

-I have to agree, your dialogue seemed a bit forced in the way they were talking about ther addictions. Maybe you could do some of that through narrative...

"shiny and black, the brand name slapped across the back of it."

I think that should be "them" at the end, not "it"...

But apart from that, I really enjoyed it, it was clever. And sad, and true.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella

Just a few things I noticed:

The rain was soaking into his shoes. There were holes in the bottom, and if he wiggled his toe he could poke it through. And they were too small, pinching his feet, and falling apart; they used to be designer, clean and smart, and now they were grey and battered, barely holding together.

I felt like you used the word and too much. A little shaky for a beginning.

A young man stepped out from against the wall, and leant over towards the car window.

I don't believe leant is a word. I think you should use leaned.

“No can do man. The guy in charge isn't real friendly, you know? And with a fondness for sharp pointy things I don't wanna get on his bad side. You not got anywhere to go?”

Would be better with a comma between things and I, just so the sentence isn't too much of a run. And did you mean for the grammar to be so completely wrong with the "You not got anywhere to go?" I would've thought even drug addicts know how to speak a little properly.

“I used to like the rain when I was a kid,” he said, remembering the six year old he used to be wearing a duffel coat and red Wellington boots, “used to go jumping in all the puddles, you know? My mum used to go mental, but I used to love it. And now I just think it's a nuisance, means I'm gonna get cold and wet and won't properly dry out for weeks.”

Thought this ruined the flow - just felt uneven to me. I'd like it more as something like this: “I used to like the rain when I was a kid,” he said, remembering the six- year-old he used to be, always wearing a duffel coat and red Wellington boots. “I used to go jumping in all the puddles, you know? My mum would go mental, but I loved it. And now I just think it's a nuisance; it means I'm gonna get cold and wet and won't properly dry out for weeks.”

He locked himself into a stall in a grime covered toilet block, located a clean syringe, a lighter, a small bottle of citric acid and a spoon from where he had wedged it down the back of the cistern that morning.

Should be dash between grime and covered. Also, this felt too long. Break it up a bit.


I liked the "new shoes" theme you had. That was a nice touch. Your writing was well-done and it's a good story. Keep writing. I hope you do well in the contest.

Leant is a word. It's British English. Like 'learnt'.

I know 'and' is used to much in the beginning. Someone already pointed that out, KJ. I know. I'm going to have to go over and change it.

They're poor street kids with no education; they're not going to speak The Queen's English. You've obviously never heard people speak in areas of the UK, like London. Ever seen Eastenders? It's not that they don't know how to speak properly, they're just very lazy speakers. It's supposed to be a little incoherrent.

This was a very interesting story, to say the least. I rather liked the main character. He seemed to have a genuine realness to him, if you'll pardon the redundancy. The only thing I really didn't like was the British slang he and Dean spoke in. But even that seemed to be how such slang would really be used and said, and not just somebody adding it to give the story a British setting. All in all, a great job.

kudos:)

All my stories are in a British setting, I'm British. Thanks for the review, anyway.

This was very moving and very true. I don't really think the dialogue was forced. What else could they talk about? The only mistakes I noticed were already mentioned, so I'll just say once again that I love what you wrote