~

Please dont read!! this is now JUNK!!

I loved it. You have such passion however; remember not to change from 3rd person to 1st person sometimes.

While this is an intesresting piece, it needs some work. Nothing a little help, editing, and practice can't fix, though.

In the beginnig of the story you tell us what the setting is instead of showing us. For instance:

Absynthe wrote:He was in a large room made entirely of black marble. His eyes scanned the room, looking for the source of the scream.

Instead of telling us that Felix "was in a large room made entirely of black marble," you could describe the room as he scans it. Like "His eyes scanned the [short description] room."

Absynthe wrote:It was barely tall enough to sit up strait.

Another incident of telling instead of showing. It's an easy fix, though. Also, you use the wrong strait; what you mean is "straight."

Absynthe wrote:Felix blinked dumbly. Why was she being held prisoner? His eyes narrowed and he glared at her. She had pretended to love me, tricked me into coming here. I was going to be tortured into telling them of the hiding place of Cherob’s ashes, so that vampires could enslave humans like cattle.

You need to italicise Felix's thoughts so as not to confuse the reader.

Absynthe wrote:Waves of pity rolled through Felix[s],[/s]: [s]D[/s]double betrayal.

I'm pretty sure you need a colon instead of comma, and you accidentally capitalized the 'd' in 'double'.

Absynthe wrote:“Now you’re an enemy, going against the great plan, so you can join your friend in torture[s].[/s],” Val said in a dangerous, smooth voice.

The quote is a little awkward. Perhaps you could reword what Val says into two sentences or something?

Absynthe wrote:The sound of her strained breaths filled his head, watching her writhe in horror.

This is awkward. I think this should be reworded to say "filled his head as he watched her..."

Absynthe wrote:Val lifted her up onto her knees and released his grip, grabbing telepathically onto her face. Before she could regain her breath, to revive the raw feeling in her throat, her head was slammed into the marble.

I think this would be better written as "grabbing onto her face telepathically" and "regain her breath and revive the raw feeling in her throat".

Absynthe wrote:The blood of all of her victims flowed out of her skull, painting the cracked surface.

I like this line. Although, I think you might want to take the second 'of' out.

Absynthe wrote:He muttered words he never even had heard before in his life, and a heat boiled the blood on his hand.

Absynthe wrote:Straining, he pried them apart, pulling a fireball into existence. He held it in his hands like a ball and threw it directly at Val.

It'd be nice to see Felix's reaction to his new-found powers. Unless he discovered them before this point and we've already seen it, then it's a bit more optional to include his reaction here.

Absynthe wrote:“Wow Felix,” Val huffed[period] “I never thought you had a magic talent! Not only do you have one, but [you're?] a blood warlock! I must admit I’m impressed[comma]” he laughed and stumbling onto his feet.

I think this would be better if the ending was "he laughed, sumbling onto his feet." Or you could change "stumbling" into "stumble". As is, it's a little awkward.

Absynthe wrote:A something whizzed by Felix’s head[s],[/s] [no comma] and thunked dully into the back of Val’s head[s], and h[/s] He collapsed to the floor, releasing Felix.

Absynthe wrote:“Common[s].[/s][comma]” Absynthe hissed into Felix’s ear, pulling him up. He obeyed scrambling after her.

The last sentence here is awkward. I think you just need a comma between "obeyed" and "scrambling".

That's all I caught. Your vampires seem original and definitely your own. I like how they (or at least Absynthe) can cry blood. And their individual powers seem pretty awesome. I could feel the tone and pace you were trying to set, and, with just a bit of work and tinkering with what I've suggeested and whatever else you think needs work, I think you'll get it accross just fine! You don't seem far off, either.

Btw, I noticed that you're a Twilight fan, and, if you haven't noticed already, we has fan group! [/random advertisement]

So, yeah, I think that's all I needed to say/point out.
Hope this helps!

Thanks for reading Perra!!! I really apreciate it!!! I'll definantly will check out the fan group.

And thank u liza, thts very flattering ^^. I TOLD YOU MY TORTURE SCENE WAS GOOD ^,,^

Cool. I really like it. Keep up the good work

Hey there.

Felix woke with a jolt at the sound of a piercing scream.

This is kinda cliche. Main character waking up due to a sound? Not the most original of starts. And why jolt? Not only is it cliche, it's such a climpsy to show that he is suddenly waking up. Simplicity can be your friend sometimes dear.

He was in a dome of electricity in the middle of the room. It was barely tall enough to sit up strait.

For a dome of electricity, it doesn't seem like it. I was hoping to see some descriptions that show that. Instead, it is partly wasted on describing something so mundane as the freaking height of it -.- Describe what is necessary, do not waste it on irrelevant stuff.

Absynthe was inside the cage, sobbing bloody vampire tears.

What makes these tears so special? Do they make my wishes come true? Seriously, you do not need to work in the info dump that they are vampires into such a simple description of tears. It just makes the prose feel like purple.

Felix blinked dumbly. Why was she being held prisoner?

Umm thanks for stating the obvious Captain obvious? But seriously, there are other ways to show to us that Felix lacks a certain degree of IQ. Do not resort to adverbs to show to us what happens, as it takes away the realism of it. Show to us as to how Felix is dumb without condensing it into a single adverb. One word is not enough to show that, as a reader can easily skim past the word.

I was going to be tortured into telling them of the hiding place of Cherob’s ashes, so that vampires could enslave humans like cattle.

Enslaved like cattles...that similie is also clumsy and forced. Cattles have little to do with vampires, there are other more effective ways to show how the vampires enslave humans.

“It was all part of the scam, idiot.”

This dialogue has a strong modern feel to it and it isn't something that I would expect a vampire to say, given the context and setting it is in at the moment. The word "scam" is more associated with gangsters and traders in our modern society than a conflict among vampires.

Heartbreak washed over her, crushingly painful.

Heartbreak washed over her? Umm how does that imagery work? Even when using imagery, there is a certain degree of logic in it. Here, I see none, as washed is more associated with something that has a liquid feel to it. A heartbreak does not possess that quality.

Val lifted her up onto her knees and released his grip, grabbing telepathically onto her face.

What? Umm what just happened? How can vampires have telepathic powers?

Felix leaped to his feet in a blur, kicking Val in the groin.

If this is an attempt for comic relief, then you've failed -.- Seriously, the idea of a guy being kicked into the groin is just not funny anymore, as it has been used over and over again. Avoid cliches at all costs!

I'll post my overall impressions of it a bit later on, as it is almost my bed time.

Andy.

Absynthe wrote:Thanks for reading Perra!!! I really apreciate it!!!

You're welcome. ^-^

And I forgot to mention this:
At the end of this, how did Absynthe get out of her cage? Was it an electrical cage like Felix's, and did it go down with his? And what did she hit Val with, and how did she get it? While the last one isn't as important, the answers to the other two definitely need to be included in the story.

TO ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE POSTED ON THIS PLEASE READ!!!!

What makes these tears so special? Do they make my wishes come true? Seriously, you do not need to work in the info dump that they are vampires into such a simple description of tears. It just makes the prose feel like purple.

LOL she crys blood, just a thing vampires do. sense i was showing a part of my new story line, and that it was from the middle i couldn't really take my time and make this so long that it was scaring ppl away. this is just a teaser. and what about purple??

Umm thanks for stating the [s]obvious Captain obvious[/s] ? But seriously, there are other ways to show to us that [s]Felix lacks a certain degree of IQ[/s] . Do not resort to adverbs to show to us what happens, as it takes away the realism of it. Show to us as to how [s]Felix is dumb[/s]:evil: without condensing it into a single adverb . One word is not enough to show that, as a reader can easily skim past the word.

lol thank you Simon. LOL ur very good at being a critic, so i will try to explain. sense this is an short teaser, and i prefer not to draw things out on teasers and give it all away, this is going against my regular thing:

Absynthe is the bad guy. she was scheming to bring him to val once she confirmed that he was who they were looking for. and he was, he told her that he was having horrible nightmares of people tortured for the vampires and werewolves, and something worse than the holocaust. she, when she gave Felix to val had asked about his visions, and they turned out to be correct. She tried to save Felix but joined him in torture.
he didn't know about this. And he is acctually very smart, just doesnt know whats going on!

Heartbreak washed over her, crushingly painful.


Heartbreak washed over her? Umm how does that imagery work? Even when using imagery, there is a certain degree of logic in it. Here, I see none, as washed is more associated with something that has a liquid feel to it. A heartbreak does not possess that quality.

lol that's just a habit of how i describe it. And i like to think of it that way

What? Umm what just happened? How can vampires have telepathic powers?

everyone in their world has a special magic power, no two people have the same talent. Felix is the only exception. When your a vampire or werewolf your power doubles.

Felix leaped to his feet in a blur, kicking Val in the groin.

not meant to be funny. And you'd be surprised how good kicking an guy in the crotch can be very defensive and effective.:smt064
Perra:

You're welcome. ^-^

And I forgot to mention this:
At the end of this, how did Absynthe get out of her cage? Was it an electrical cage like Felix's, and did it go down with his? And what did she hit Val with, and how did she get it? While the last one isn't as important, the answers to the other two definitely need to be included in the story

she was released when val lost his concentration, and she was in the same kinda cage as Felix. She got an knife from an table full of torture instruments, the same pace where Felix got his. And just if your wondering, shes very powerful because her magic talent is to change her shape: tall short, ugly pretty, animal, ext. so she recovered from Val's thrashing quickly.

Thanks all of you for reading my teaser. I will definitely be posting other chapters!!