The Eclipse Chronicles 0

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 8
The Eclipse Chronicles
Prologue

“Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you…”
-The Holy Bible


The only thing to be heard was the whispering of the cold wind and the sand being swiped all over the landscape. Dark clouds of smog filtered the skies and it had not rained here in decades. Not a single footprint could be found in these desert dunes as not one human being had traveled through these wastelands in centuries.
What had once been a thriving utopia had been left in ruins from the result of a massive war. A rusty old sign stuck half-way out of the ground reading:
WELCOME TO CHROMOPOLIS CITY – POP: 18, 000,000
Buildings had toppled over one another or broken off into separate parts. Plants and vines had overgrown and tangled themselves around any nearby objects they could find. Dozens upon dozens of cars and other vehicles had been left in the middle of the streets, abandoned by their occupants as if by some wave of massive panic. Their glass windows were all cracked and broken and the paint had begun to rust and chip off.
A jet fighter had crash landed in a nearby lake and several tanks had been left smashed and destroyed all over the city. Massive chunks of concrete and metal had been ripped apart by explosions and random bombings.
And if that wasn’t enough to add to this massive carnage, there was a pile of hundreds and hundreds of skeletons stacked on top of one another. Millions dead. Women. Children…
Could this hellish nightmare be… reality?
“It’s not like nobody ever warned them,”
Meanwhile, in a plane of existence far, far away from the human realm, a certain deity was sitting in his chair and thinking about how this massacre all started. It had been a few hundred years since he had taken the time to think about his experience in the human world and how that had made him the demon he was today. His memory was a little hazy… It had been a quite a long time even for a demon such as himself.
The loud echoing of screaming and begging made it hard for him to concentrate. Chains rattled. Pipes dripped. Gears grinded. Machinery roared all around him. This was what life (or death) was like in the Underworld, day after day after day…
The room was dark, just the way he liked it, with a single light bulb dangling overhead. Reaching over to a small pedestal next to him, he had a beautiful basket filled with the most scrumptious fruits a human could desire. He reached in and pulled out a shiny, blood red apple. He remembered the stories his brethren had told him, about the offering of the apple and the two moronic humans who accepted. He supposed the apple was technically what caused the chain of events that led to the humans’ utter annihilation, but not from his perspective, as he had not yet been born at that time.
No, his story began much later… His claws punctured themselves into the apple and its juicy, wet fluid began to bleed out and slip through his fingers. He watched with amusement as the apple quickly withered and dried up. Bored, he tossed it across the room where two hell hounds, massive, savage, hairless brutes of a dog, dashed out of the corridor and began biting and shredding at each other for a piece.
Looking in his mirror, the demon examined himself. He didn’t look too different from a human when compared with the much larger, monstrous entities. His skin was pure white, like snow, and his eyes glowed like two full moons against a pitch-black night sky. His hair was long and silver and reached all the way down to his backside.
He wore a black and white armor made from skulls and bones. He had large quills sticking out of his back like a humongous porcupine, as well as sharp, blades extending from his forearms. He could even have wings if he wished it.
He certainly would stand out in a crowd of humans, but his reflection still seemed to capture the glare of his human face. He could just barely remember what he looked like when he had been human.
He remembered when his Father had sent him to Earth. He remembered pretending to be human, hiding within flesh and blood… Living amongst them, unnoticed.
And he remembered liking it. Being one of them… Living with them in piece… Could his human soul still exist somewhere inside him?
No, he thought to himself.
“I am the Angel of Death. My name is Shade.”
And this was the beginning of The Eclipse Chronicles…

Okay, so this was the prologue. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense, but I promise it will very soon. The whole concept is that this demon guy is the narrator, retelling this ancient story (AKA: The Eclipse Chronicles).
Anyway, thanks for reading and please review. I will hopefully be uploading the first real few chapters soon.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4209
Reviews 389
Please space between your paragraphs. Then I will crit. :D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 23
one mistake I noticed is
Living with them in piece… Could his human soul still exist somewhere inside him?

it should be "living with them in peace"

also, the title "Chromopolis city" its a cheezy name. Sounds like Metropolis from Superman. try something a little more original.

Although the description is good, you try and describe too much at once. A good way of describing, is start with one thing, work on it for a while. Like concentrating on the shape of the buildings. Then as the plot develops, have the character notice something else. instead of BAM BAM BAM! its a little bit of an overload

“It’s not like nobody ever warned them,”
that seems a little awkward to read.
you could just say "it's not like they weren't warned." the nobody is stiff in the way you said it.

He watched with amusement as the apple quickly withered and dried up. Bored, he tossed it across the room where two hell hounds, massive, savage, hairless brutes of a dog, dashed out of the corridor and began biting and shredding at each other for a piece.


it seems odd that he is both amused and then bored within seconds. you should keep the character's emotion more constant
ALRIGHT, I was talking about my virginity!!!!

(lolz dinosaur comics)
if you don't understand...
http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000135.html



MMM HYD R A T I O N
— cherie