Voices of Dusk

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 370
Hello! This is the prequel to my novel, Ever Wayward. So... have a look? It isn't very long, but I am worried if it is too cliche.

Chapter One, Scene One

A trickle of water dripped upon the stone, echoing through the prison. The lonesome shadow yielded to the fall of dusk, as the last of the sun descended beyond the orange yonder. From the crack in the wall, Seridon saw the horizon darken, and nightfall steal the land. Blood leaked from the skies in streaks, readying death’s march. An odour trailed in through the cell bars, passing under Seridon’s nose. He cringed at the ill taste, but remained rooted upon his stool. A figure moved passed the cell, barely noticeable under the series of candles, lined up along the passageway. A clasped hand crept in, and within an instance they had withdrawn. In its wake, something smashed against the ground. Seridon knew it. They called it food, but the flavour could sting life in a dragon. At length, he rose, and moved over to the rusty plate. Its sparkle had gone, for else wise it would have mirrored the candles. All shine was leaving.

The footsteps past on, and through the darkness, a pair of eyes looked upon Seridon. No body held them, and they appeared to float amid the shadows. A side of Seridon expected to then see a sceptre move through the candles and touch him, wheeling him into the land of the dead, where some now yearned to be. The eyes remained fixed upon him.

“Does something long to speak through your sordid mouth?” snarled Seridon, barely flinching at the figure.

A long silence followed, until an echo broke loose. “Your kind has been here before; you have blood on your hands.”

“Stay your tongue, maggot,” said Seridon coldly, “lest I claim you in sport.”

“Oh! And who might you be to dominate my mind? Sink beneath the favour of your kinsmen, and drag all who might tell you of such fate with you! You have no power in here! Captain of the King eh?” he mocked.

“Your scorns will soon end upon my strike’s fall!” Seridon growled.

“Ha! Do not you see? You disgrace your people! So what better to do than lock you away, and pray that the gods destroy you? Your name marks shame upon your family, and all children of Serigiil! You do not deem my reason? Yes, you will die in here, wherefore better soon and let the crows feast upon your body’s rot!”

“Silence! I will have you rot, fiend! Go! Go roll in the pit with dogs. Let me see your face! I would remove it, if only these cells were not so blocked!” Seridon’s voice roared across the room, storming the ground, and he leapt over to the barriers, kicking with a mighty foot. His loathe for the criminal was strong, yet his denial was deniable. Suddenly, his anger swept aside, and he stopped and rested his head against the bars. A cackle pierced across to him, and the eyes faded into the dark.

“Do not wrong I, or my honour,” Seridon whispered, “for these hands shall tear you.”
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 410
Hey Mark, a good start.

It is borderline cliche and I think that your overall tone of the piece and the way in which the characters talk is what makes it cliche.

Just a few things:

He cringed at the ill taste, but remained rooted upon his stool.

'Ill taste' just doesn't work very well. Consider re-phrasing?

A figure moved passed the cell, barely noticeable under the series of candles, lined up along the passageway.

'moved passed' doesn't make sense, I think this is just a typo. Get rid of the 'ed' on passed.

They called it food, but the flavour could sting life in a dragon.

This was quite a cliche line and I think you could come up with something better.

Its sparkle had gone, for else wise it would have mirrored the candles.

Else wise? Doesn't really make sense, consider re-vising?

His loathe for the criminal was strong, yet his denial was deniable.

The repetition of the word denial is a bit awkward sounding so perhaps change that.

Overall, this was a good start and I'd be happy to crit any more of this that you post. I think what you need to work on is your characterisation as they seem a little flat at the moment. Try giving them more feeling and depth.

Keep writing,
Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 13
A capital start.

I like how you used “lest I claim you in sport.” Good wording for the time period you are trying to write in.

I would describe Seridon more in detail:

-What color are his scales?
-How does he move? Gracefully? Catlike or more lizardlike in Forgotten Realms? Does his tongue wriggle through his sharp, pearly white fangs? Is there a wispy scent of sulfur from the firebreathing sacs within his throat?

Picture yourself standing next to Seridon, and give the reader a full description of the 'Seridon' experience. Put me there, with the dragon. Let me know what he smells like, what his presence is.
James
Soldier, Student




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 440
A trickle of water dripped upon the stone, echoing through the prison.


What echoes through the prison? Specify.

An odour trailed in through the cell bars, passing under Seridon’s nose.


Too much personification, darling--I have this image of a little, smelly man tip-toeing across the nose.

A clasped hand crept in, and within an instance they had withdrawn.


What had withdrawn?

Seridon knew it.


Nix this, it's redundant.

he flavour could sting life in a dragon.


Eh? I have no idea what the metaphor is you're going for.

The footsteps past on, and through the darkness, a pair of eyes looked upon Seridon.


Comma troubles.

The eyes remained fixed upon him.


Nix "upon him."

his denial was deniable


Eh?


Okay, I realize that you're going for a kind of "old world/English" style here, but it really tripped me up. You smoothed out the awkwardness of it (mostly) in your ending dialog, but such things as "upon" (several times), "yonder," "else wise," "lest I claim you in sport," and "a mighty foot" come off as pretentious and forced rather than elegant. Perhaps if you'd just tone it down a bit--you have an intriguing beginning, don't let it get bogged down in "style."
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 370
Thank you for all the reviews. I didn't like this really, it was just testing about really.

Thanks,

-Mark
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.



It's a pity the dictionary has only one definition of beauty. In my world, there are 7.9 billion types of it- all different and still beautiful.
— anne27