Removed #2

Poem has been removed.

not bad. ^_^

really sweet and touching. nice poem - flowed well

Love it. Seems real, like a letter written to David, or an entry in a diary. It's a good way to write. Like your style.

I liked it. Honestly though, you don't need to rate it R. Maybe just PG-13

Thanks.

I made some spelling erros (woops) that made it seem like I was switching tense.

That was accidental.
I would like some creative critisim on it. What do you think I should change?

I love the overall theme of this. Nice work.

Hmm... Constructive criticism... But it's a great poem :p I'll try my best.

If anything I'd have to say that some parts seem like they're just not meant to rhyme, especially near the beginning.

'You chose me / it was early July, 1993.' - maybe you could rephrase this, or change the second line all together. The 1993 is a bit much to say.

Also, just to be picky, but July 93, add sixteen years, makes july 09. This means that in july 08, David would only be fifteen, and since it's april, he's almost fifteen years old. Unless this poem is deliberately written to the future...

Personally I quite like the last line. The switch from words like 'eternity' and 'beloved' to 'mama loves you', work really well. It shows that even though the mother is telling this story about his father, the main thing is that she loves him. It's also a nice way to round off the poem after the 'I actually began to hate you', near the beginning.

Thank you guys!
I'm really shocked that anyone liked this.
I'd like to hear more comments on it.

Hello! Here upon request and desire!

Grammar

I don't know why
You chose me --
It was early July, 1993.
I knew my life would never be the same;
Now it would become filled with cowardice, hardship, fear and shame. [no period]
The day my soul rejected the person I became.

Underlined: Those are two time expressions. Are you filled with cowardice now? Or were you filled with it when your soul rejected the person you became?

Poetry has sentences too, which means it deserves punctuation. I don't know why you chose me -- it was early July 1993. I knew my life would never be the same; it filled with cowardice, hardship, fear, and shame the day my soul rejected the person I became.

At one I actually began to hate you, [no comma]
Because I wasn't ready for anything new.

Underlined: Should that be once? 'Cause it doesn't make sense.

Danny and I met when we were ten, [semi instead]
We were childhood sweethearts back then.
But I dated different guys, [dash instead] nice ones like Ben.
In the end, though, I always wanted your father again.

Then just one night, he gave such a convincing portrayal of love, [dash instead]
A miracle was to happen, I knew and [s]I[/s] swore.

Danny didn't care for me.
Still I gave him all my chastity. no period
With no idea who or what he would truly be.

I remember feeling you in my womb, [semi instead]
You were [s]incased [/s] encased for 9 months like a mummy in a tomb.

Throughout those 9 months,
That bastard promised me
Everything, [semi or dash instead] he promised we would be
A happy, simple family.

Yet he was not there when I gave life to his son.
That day, I was alone.
There was no one.
And I broke down, [no comma] because the hardest part of my life had begun.

Danny left his newborn son and I with no home [s]and no[/s] or money.
A meal a day was never a guarantee.
I needed a job and I needed one fast, [no comma]
Or else the life of my newborn son would not last.

Keep your tenses the same.

My parents thought I [s]has[/s] had run away;
Thank God when I returned I was allowed to stay.
I think they wanted to save your life
Or keep a poor 16-year-old from a lot of strife.
Whatever the reason, God bless--
They saved me from a terrible mess.

They helped me raise you, [semi instead]
I went to school.
You remained my precious jewel.
I remember when you were 5, you said angels were around us. [comma instead]
And I knew that for you, my little angel, the future was glorious.

You're so big now, [dash instead]
Almost 16 [period or exclamation point]
So much has happened in between.
Finally, though, our lives are serene.

Now as I look back on your baby pictures of times long gone,
I remember that blue-eyed laugh and that black-haired grin
Waking me up,
Crawling into my bed at the crack of dawn.
If there is anything that kept us okay,
It's that we loved each other in the right way.
We knew when to let each other go, [no comma]
And when to stop and say no.

Aww! ^^

I named you David, [no comma]
Because David means beloved,
And I knew that all those years ago
You would be shoved, [no comma]
Into a shadow by your father.

So I named you David
To show that I would eternally love you
And cherish your precious heart,
[s]That[/s] Which, to this day, beats in sync with mine --
[s]Because[/s] I was the only one who never stopped loving you.
You are my Eternity, David, Beloved.
Mama loves you.

Great ending, though that first sentence in this verse is a ginormous run-on. Hopefully I helped fix it or spark some ideas to fix it. ^^

Overall

Rhyming: It was simple and doesn't make this a rhyming poem, but enough rhyme to make certain words stand out.

Imagery: All over, and it was lovely!

It was so cute! I really liked it, and it tells such a complex story in simple words. I wish I was more of a poet to give you more of a poetry critique! You definitely deserve one! Haha!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

This is a beautiful poem. However, I'm a bit puzzled at the meaning behind it. Are you talking about a boyfriend, a son, a cousin? I think a deeper dig is needed because we don't know what gears crank in the deep recesses of your mind. Overall, beautiful poem. Saw no typos. Just needs a bit of clarification.

Well, like everyone has suggested so far, I think this poem is adorable and creative and overall a really lovely story. I think what would really make it better though, is if you could smooth over some of the rhythms. Read it aloud! This will also help somewhat regulate the rhyme scheme. I think you have a keen eye for rhythm, and while I don't think giving each line the same exact repetitive rhythm would do your poem justice (because that's one of the things I really enjoyed about it, I couldn't predict how the next line would sound), but because there is a pretty noticeable pattern of rhythm, those lines that don't fit this pattern seem to stick out. A lively comb-over and edit will straighten it out and bring out those rhymes you've tucked away so nicely! here would be some of my suggestions.

tennisprincess wrote:I don't know why
You chose me
It was early July, 1993. <I like this rhythm!!>
my life would never be the same
Now filled with cowardice, fear and shame.

[That] day my soul rejected the person I became. [otherwise this isn't a complete sentence ]

At one I actually began to hate you,
Because I wasn't ready for anything new.

See how this rhythm might be a little more sound if you tweak your words just a tad? Also, I'm not sure about the last part, does it mean when David was one year old?

tennisprincess wrote:then one night he gave such a convincing portrayal of love,
A miracle was to happen, I knew and I swore.

Danny didn't care for me
Still I gave him all my chastity.
With no idea who or what he would truly be.

I think this section needs a little reworking. You have us expecting "love" and "swore" to rhyme. maybe "one night he gave such a portrayal of love/ A miracle would happen from up above"?

tennisprincess wrote:I remember feeling you in my womb,
incased for 9 months like a mummy in a tomb.

make sure you aren't rhyming for rhyme's sake here. don't let your message become slave to your rhyme scheme. Also the image is kind of ironic... the womb a place for birth, compared to a tomb --a place for death

But yeah, all in all, just smooth over these rhythms and rhymes (trust me, you've got your readers sold with your conviction and sentiment). When you edit, don't be scared to delete unnecessary lines that don't contribute to the poem as whole, and don't be scared to consider reconstructing phrases to allow for better rhythm. In some cases, it's just a matter of being concise and letting go of a word or two...

but yeah, definitely feel free to tap me on the shoulder if you're looking for more help in reworking the flow of this piece; I would be more than happy to help out if I'm able. It's a great work, and I think it's got incredible potential!

Happy editing,
s

Hii there.
I really enjoyed reading your poem! I may not be able to give you the best help but I can start by pointing out a few mistakes..

Yet he was not there when I gave life to his son.

That day, I was alone.

There was no one.

And I broke down because the hardest part of my life had begun.

The fourth line, here, is a bit too long. Try shortening it.

Danny left his newborn son and I with no home and no money.

Isn't the "I" supposed to be replaced with a "me" or is it meant to be that way?
I mean, remove the last 6 words and it sounds
Danny left his newborn and I.
Instead it should be

Danny left his newborn and me.

I needed a job and I need one fast

You confused the tense here.
Instead try:

I needed a job and I needed one fast.

The last line is fine, according to me.

Yeah, I guess that's it.....wonderful poem,
Hope I helped...
Fun4eva!

I think they wanted to save your life

Or keep a poor 16 year old from a lot of strife.

---
okayyy. the line above was OUCH!
it seemed...errr...forced?

but the rest of it was nice.
yeah.nice

Oohh, I really liked this. It was sweet and very sad.
JabberHut beat me to the mechanics of it. Lol. I really liked the 13th stanza of this poem. It was touching.
Also, the last line is good. It should stay in your poem. I like it.


x(: Emily

I can see why you don't like it... lol that sounds bad but its not!!

I think you're looking at the rhyme scheme and the flow and you don't see just how good this really is.

Honestly the content here is fantastic: the theme is balanced perfectly with bitterness, regret, sadness and an unrequited love that makes the rest irrelevant. Its gorgeous. Seriously.

I read it twice and I couldn't edit little things. Its a really interesting one, because its really good as it is, and I guess minor improvements could be made to tidy a few things up.

But I'm a big picture person, and having looked at it, I think this would benefit from a total rewrite.. without the rhyme. Its got so much potential, and with something this good, unless you hit the rhyme smack on, it can tend to inhibit it a little bit I think, because you want to say something really specific about the story your telling, but if you can't find a way to fit it with the rhyme, it tends to get martyred for the structure, which means you can lose sight of your purpose

So yeah thats what I think. This poem is really good as it is.. but with such a great theme it could be anything. Your call

Gold star though forr surrre

Brendan