The Abbey Part One

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EEP! Can you please get rid of the "pre" setting? It is so hard on the eyes.

Just make sure that you put a space between all of your paragraphs (like I am) once "pre" is gone.

PM me when you fix this and I'll give you a proper critique, okay?

Thanks.

~Azila~

I'm back.

-Nitpicks-

I will not listen to any of them, I thought. I will ignore them; they can’t hurt me today. Today, I’ll become one of them.

Thoughts should be italic.

Here she comes. Freak of nature. Mistake of nature, coming passed us. Going to prove herself, eh? So she thinks.

I think this should be italic as well.

Even in the land of the freaks, I was a freak. Strange among the strange.

I love that first line. ^_^ But I think the second sentence ruins the effect--I would delete it if I were you.

It was hidden from unwelcome eyes by the master, and he really knew how to conceal it well.

I say you should delete either "really" or "well." Having both of them seems repetitive to me.

Our family was happy here, all two thousand of us.

Later you say there were two thousand and five.

The younger ones got the plainer rooms, the quarters nearer the dungeons and hidden out of sight by a series of complicated passage ways. The middle aged, my aunts and uncles and cousins, were usually scattered wherever they could go. But the ancient ones, the high rulers and masters, consisting of my great grandfathers and a few ancient cousins, were positioned in the towers, where it was said they could see us all.

Which category does the narrator fall into?

Usually people stop listening after hearing “Russian vampire mafia”, but it was what our family was for.

The comma should be inside the quotes.

When I had been changed, it was like being born all over again.

That beginning part should just be "When I was changed," so that you don't switch tenses.

As I walked down that corridor, the walls whispering to me, and my mind deluding myself into believing that soon I would have gained a family, I felt heartless and selfish.

That last part ("I felt heartless and selfish.") should be its own sentence, methinks.

It held no ammunition; all [s]of the ammo[/s] I would need was already in the gun.

Self-explanatory, no?

After your first mission, one section of the bandolier was taken away. After each mission, one section was severed from the rest and taken away, until you were left with only a few inches. After this, it was replaced by a thicker one, blood red and it did not sparkle at all.

All three of these sentences start with "after." You might want to do something about that repetition. Oh, and where I live we spell it "bandoleer."

Silence fell in the great hall, although the rest could hear him well enough above the cacophony.

You didn't say anything about it being noisy earlier...

I will not fail, I thought, I will do what I must. My kind kills to survive, and I must be one of my kin

Again, thoughts should be italic.
______________________

-Overall-

This is really just an info-dump. You tell us about the house, the bandoleers, the family, everything. We don't actually need to know all of that. You could just touch on each, mentioning them, but not going into detail, and that would be much better, in my opinion. Starting a story with an info-dump will usually just make your reader(s) bored. But if you just give us a taste, then we will be left wanting more, wondering what everything means, eager to read on.

Instead of going into such detail about the ways of life for the family, why not show us more about your MC? I don't really know much about her personality, except for the fact that she feels like an outsider.

Also, I'm still not content with the formatting, haha. You should put a line break un between each paragraph, like I am in my review.

Please feel free to PM me if you have questions/comments about my critique.

I hope this helps!

~Azila~

Ahck!
Very hard to read.
It made my eyes hurt.
You can try using paragraphs.
It feels like a long poem.
Couldn't understand much for that fact.