Deleted

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Wow...

Honestly, I'm confused.

The fears of every sweater vest wearing, popular instrumental listening, and curfew at 10:00 sharp conservative home owning association parent, showed its fun hungry head in the form of a 5” 6 brunette named Lone.

Ow. This sentence hurt my head. And I had to reread - not a good sign.
Punctuation maybe?

sweater-vest wearing, popular-instrumental

There are too many adjectives and adjective phrases.
Also, I have put in bold one possible way of punctuation.

curfew-at-10:00-sharp, conservative home-owning association parent

fun, hungry head in the form of a 5” 6 brunette named Lone.

I think the sentence's seams are bursting. Cut over half of it and let it breathe.

I like this sentence, but I'm not sure what you mean by block.

The very sound of her named made my block shake in its perfectly crisp socks and wail and holler as if fire and brimstone laid in their future.

Descriptive . Love the bit in italics.

The day she graced me with her presence had to be one of the greatest days of my life - I knew my Lone based dreams were coming true, she glided through the air like some type of virtuous gargoyle; her smile was unforgettable and the fluorescent light danced on her hair and bounced off her radiant brown skin. I was so lucky to bask in her poise and charisma and scent and jokes. It wasn’t long before my brother, Eric, fell into the Lone spell and took on the rock star boyfriend title; those who hated her just misjudged – everything [s]her[/s] she did was only to better herself.

I think you meant she instead of her...


Little things like this make it so much easier to read...

refugee living-room chair

Perhaps this could be rearranged and punctuated.

No conversation – no words just action Lone was no slut or trash she was comfortable

This is so much easier to read, yeh?

No conversation, no words - just action. Lone was no slut or trash; she was comfortable.

A question mark...or ellipsis points, or even a comma?

“What, you asking me

I think maybe some spaces between the dialogue in this paragragh...? It would make it clearer.

“Wow great question, that’s really what I want my boyfriend’s sister asking me.” Lone joked. She appeared wearing only a teddy bear blowing bubble t-shirt and polka dot underwear rummaging through a pile of clothes.

“I mean, I always see you two kissing and stuff like you always do it.”

“[s]Where[/s] Were you not here an hour ago...? Of course we do it, Pierce, its no big deal. It makes him feel like a big man.” She said picking up some jean shorts, sniffing them and putting them on.

“So you do it to make him feel better – what – what about you?”

Is this the end? It's so sudden...so unexpected. So disappointing. I was enjoying the story lol. Also, I'm not too sure what actually happened. Did he die? Was it a car accident? You have described it very abstractly, which is different from everything else in the story which has been fairly concrete and material.

Police sirens rang and everyone in front of me was a bright blur – my mother’ll tell you it was the acid talking. I watched a pool of color clutter and spread out, it wasn’t until later I realized Eric met his maker face to floor with the pavement and Lone was the witness.

Overall, I think you have amazing story-writing skills. I enjoyed the storyline alot.

Just go easy on the adjectives - it's easy to go ever-board with them. And work on the punctuation...it'll benefit your work beyond what you could imagine.

Good luck and all the best,

Peace V
Inky

Thank you for the critiques but thats not the end of the story I just didn't want to make ot too long.

I was drawn in by the title, and I've been trying not to read anything too long today since my pain killers don't seem to be working, but I did anyways.
Personally, as for the opening sentence, I wasn't confused at all. I, for one, found it highly amusing, and chuckled out loud in the midist. Sometimes the story was a little racey and unclear though, so my warning would be to distinguish the characters as we meet them. There wasn't much of an introduction, and I had a hard time just getting the narrator's story set straight.
So I would suggest slowing your pace a little, don't go so fast to get to the ending. The parts that were done, however, were wonderful. I really did enjoy reading through this.
But overall, that's the main problem that I seemed to find. The motions, settings, and action descriptions were absolutely fantastic. You fell short at alerting us of the characters themsevles, and particularly the narrator. There were a couple times I had to go back to find help in distinguishing her between a boy and a girl.
Hopefully I'll get to read the rest sometime.

I love the pure, raw grittiness that this has. It was rife with errors - mostly punctuation - but the potential of this thing just blew me away. Absolutely knocked my socks off.

Ink seems to have caught a lot of nitpicks, and I really don't have time to go through it myself, but there was a lot of punctuation errors, mostly commas and the like. But like I said, this is just plain awesome.

The formatting is a bit weird. Put an extra space in between each new paragraph and each new line of dialogue by a different character.

For example, my review is being broken up into paragraphs separated by spaces. And as for the dialogue:

"Hey, I caught a fish!" Peter couldn't believe it. His pole was jumping around in his hands as if it had a life of its own. "What do I do now?"

"Don't just stand there, you idiot! Get the net!" Henry was coming as fast as he could, but the long grass kept catching at his legs, so that he had to do a little hop-skip rather than a run.

See how that works? An attractive formatting draws in more readers.

In any case, a huge *thumbs up* from me for the rough edge this story has. Lovin' it.

~GryphonFledgling