Unloved- Chapter 1 Savior (edited)

Chapter 1
Savior



The alleys began to clear of its shadows as the sun peaked its way over the distant horizon. I jogged towards my house, nearly ending my early morning run.
As I passed yet another alley something caught my attention. Halting to a stop, I edged closer to see what had caught my attention. A cold breeze blew past me, making my black baggy jogging shorts flutter.

Nothing was there, but why had I stopped? What had caught my attention? It wasn't something I saw, but something I smelt. Suddenly, the smell of blood filled my nose. But there was nothing hurt and bleeding in the alley.

Something wasn't right. My heart was beating faster and I didn't know why. Nothing was there, right? Uncertainty gripped me, panic crawling up my throat.

"W-why is this happening?" I whispered.

I was quiet, so afraid of being heard, even though nothing was there. But that didn't stop me from breathing heavily. I grabbed my white t-shirt, squeezing it in my hand.

Suddenly I shivered rapidly, my body felt as cold as ice. It was strange. The morning weather had never been this cold against my body before. Even on the coldest days, mornings here in Branford, Florida were always warm.


Then the cold feeling vanished. Wrapping my arms around myself, I soon regained my senses. Looking left and right, I discovered I was the only one outside.

"What was that?" I wondered.

My voice was louder now. The fear before had almost completely faded away. Releasing my breath, my breathing began to slow down. Grabbing my arm I relaxed, and turned around. But I ran into something, it felt like I had just ran face first into a brick wall. Though what ever I had just ran into was hard, I noticed black colored clothing. I knew walls don't ware cloths, so immediately I realized that it was a person. A giant compared to me. Looking up, I made eye contact with the person before me.


"What are you doing out here alone?" he questioned me.

His tone was more angry than curious; a question was more as a threat than a concern. Normally I would be afraid of his tone, but I was still in shock. So instantly I stepped back away from him, getting a better look at this man.


He was tall and slim. His long silk black hair covered half of his face, barely revealing his dark emerald eyes. He seemed no older than I was, seventeen. I was surprised he wore a tux. He looked like he just came from a wedding.

I tried to answer him, but my mouth wouldn't open. Instead a slight moan came out. He stared at me, giving a blank expression.

Taking another step back, I regained my strength. "I-I was just doing my morning jog."

My voice was faint but he heard it clearly. Lifting his arm, he reached towards me. I began to tremble uncontrollably. Just then another young man appeared, placing his hand on the black haired man's shoulder.

"Chase, I think you're scaring her." he informed the black haired man.


He looked at the other man and sighed. "I know, but something was wrong with this one, and I was concerned. Is that so bad, Jessy?" Chase answered back.

Jessy was just as tall as Chase was but skinnier. They both seemed to be the same age. But instead he had short spiky blond hair, and sky blue eyes. He too, wore a black tux.

I have never heard of Jessy or Chase. Perhaps they were from another city?

Then I noticed something odd about Jessy. His posture. He was standing next to Chase yet; he looked to be farther away from me then the other one. This was strange, but what did this mean?

Suddenly Jessy whacked Chase on the head. "You idiot, now we're probably going to be late."

I was confused: Late for what? I hadn't listened completely to their conversation. I was constantly straying in and out.

Chase took a step towards me, but Jessy's grip on his shoulder tightened. I didn't understand what was happening.

Chase turned to look at Jessy, who was still smiling. "Come on we have to go now and besides I'm sure, Miss?" The last part was directed to me.

"Sera." I lied; it was really Tera.

Jessy nodded, still having a grin on his face. "Yes, I'm quite sure that Miss Sera has something important to go do."

I sensed the hate in his voice asking me to leave. Even though he was smiling.

It was all too confusing for me, so I took the easiest way out- agreeing with Jessy. I nodded, forcing the words out. "Yes you are right. I have to hurry and get home. Schools going to start in an hour."

Slowly I began to walk sideways towards the direction of my house, carefully watching them both. Chase however, took another step towards me, but Jessy pulled him back. Now that Jessy had him in his grasp, I dashed towards the corner. Not looking back, I kept on running, even after I went around the corner. I just kept on running.

I only stopped when I was inside of my house, with all the doors locked.

The ally ways became enshrouded in shadows, as the sun peaked its way over the distant horizon. I jogged to my house, soon ending my early morning run.

This sentence is a bit loaded, and 'enshrouded in shadows' seems a bit redundant. Also, this description sounds more like evening than morning.

Something wasn't right, my heart was beading faster and I didn't know why. Nothing was there, right? Uncertainty gripped my mind, putting me in a small panic.

More of a build up to this would be good. At the moment, there is no tension, it's just sort of... there. Make this more freaky, i.e., everything is silent, she psyching herself out, etc.

"W-why i-i-is this happening?" I whispered.

This dialogue doesn't make sense. Please rephrase.

Suddenly I shivered, my body was freezing. Then the cold feeling vanished, wrapping my arms around myself, I soon regained my senses. Looking left and right, I discovered I was the only one outside.

Again, more build up. This doesn't make much sense either. Read it aloud, or have a friend do so.

He was tall, and slim. His long silk black hair covered half of his face, barely revealing his dark green emerald eyes. I was surprised, he wore a tux. He looked like he just came from a wedding. He seemed no older than I was, 17.

The flow is a bit off. Try to expound on her thoughts and feelings.

Quickly I answered. "Tera."

She tells her name to a couple strangers?

Sensing what he meant, I saw the blood lust in Chase's eyes. Was Jessy saving me? But why, and from what?

...One who wants to kill for some reason? He showed no sign of this before.

Overall, I think you could have done better with this. Since this is all introduced so quickly, it becomes overwhelming, and the characters appear very unemotional. Please PM me if you need anything.

oh foo. I'll repost this up as soon as I redo it. Making it slow down and stuff.

It's still good, just a little work. Sorry, I was in a bit of a rush towards the end there.

oh ok, thank you. ^_^ I'll put more detail into it.

It's a good concept but you got a little comma happy in some places.
Just watch your punctuation.
It's great and I can't wait to read more.
Keep writing!

~Rachael

thank you ^_^ this brought me new insperation.

I don't mind you being comma happy, I think it actually somewhat works with your writing style. Though in some places it did get a bit daunting. Other than that this is a great start, can't wait to read more.

*Note to self- relax with commas*


thanks for your awsome reviews. I am still working on chapter 2. But it'll get here, and you'll be proud, of how great it is. I PROMISE! ^_^

Hi, here as I promised!

Critting as I read:

The ally ways began too clear of its shadows

I believe you were looking for "alleys". ^^ And "to".
You also don't need to comma after "shadows".

I jogged to my house soon ending my early morning run.

This sentence is odd. I suggest taking out "soon". And then put a comma after "house".

As I passed yet another ally way something caught my attention.

Okay, the last sentence implied that your chara had already went back to his/her house. And he/she isn't. So in the previous sentence, put "towards my house." And ally=alley.

Haulting to a stop, I looked to see what it was.

This sentence is too direct, in your face, and blah...
You need to put something like, "Bending over, I peered over to see..."

Now that I had stopped the smell of blood filled my nose.

I would change this to, "Suddenly, the smell of blood filled my nose."

There was nothing bloody in the ally way.

And this to "But there was nothing in the [insert descriptive word here] alley."

Something wasn't right, my heart was beading faster and I didn't know why.

You need to put a period after "right". This sentence is a run-on.

putting me in a small panic.

Find a different word other than "small" here, as it is undescriptive and bland.

I was quiet, so afraid of being heard, even though nothing was there; that didn't stop me from breathing heavily.

Your semicolon here needs to go instead of the comma.

Suddenly I shivered, my body was freezing.

This is a run-on, but you should put something else, like....something about getting the chills. This sentence is just awkward.

It was strange, the morning weather had never been this cold against my body.

This is the oddest sentence I have seen all day, no offense.Here: It was strange. The morning weather report hadn't said anything about a strong wind today." Something to that effect.

Even on the coldest days, mornings here in Brandford, Florida.

Mornings here...are...what??? This is a fragment.

Then the cold feeling vanished, wrapping my arms around myself, I soon regained my senses.

Run-on! Put a period after "vanished". And start a new sentence at "wrapping."

My voice was louder now, the fear before had almost completely faded away.

This is also a run-on. You need a semicolon instead of a comma. I would just separate them into two sentences though.

Releasing my held breath, making my breathing slow down.

Well obviously, if she/he was releasing their breath, it was held!! Here: I released my breath, slowing my breathing down." Although that wouldn't be how I would write it, that's how to fix that one.

Grabbing my arm I soon relaxed. With that I turned around.

This would sound better: I relaxed and turned around. I'm not sure of the purpose of grabbing the arm, but if it's important you can add that in there somehow.

But I ran into something.

This sounds like a storyboard for a manga or movie! Explain this using vivid imagery...something not so...blah.

Looking up, I finally mad eye contact with the person before me.

He/she should be very surprised to find that they bumped into a person instead of a....wall. You need to convey her/his thoughts that way! What's the purpose of finally? Is it because the person is very tall? Explain this too.

He questioned me.

"he" does't need to be capitalized.

His tone was more angry than curious. His question was more as a threat, than a concern.

Both these thoughts need to be explained in one sentence. And elaborate on the thoughts your chara is feeling right now!

He was tall, and slim.

Minus the comma.

His long silk black hair covered half of his face, barely revealing his dark [s]green[/s] emerald eyes.

Emerald is green. ^^

He seemed no older than I was, 17.

Spell out "17".

My voice was faint but he heard it, clearly.

Minus the comma.

Lifting his arm he reached towards me.

You need a comma between "arm" and "he".

I began to tremble, uncontrol ably.

Minus the comma. and connect "uncontrol" and "ably".

"Chase, I think you're scaring her." He informed Chase.

Put "He" to lower case. And instead of saying "He informed Chase." You should say, "he informed the big man." or whatever description works.

He looked at the other man, and sighed.

Minus the comma.

Is that so bad Jessy?"

Comma after "bad".

Jessy, he was just as tall as Chase was, but more skinny.

Speaking/dialogue is a bit different than writing. What I mean is, we might say something like this to another person (or just randomly ) But you need to take out the "he". And both of the commas in there.

He seemed to be the same age as the other one.

It should be: "They both seemed to be the same age."

Jessy and Chase, I have never heard or seen these two before. Perhaps out of towners?

Same thing as the above comment.
And I don't think 'towners" is a word.

His posture, he was standing next to Chase yet,

Same thing here. Just put a period after "posture".

Just then Jessy whacked Chase on the head.

Minus the "just then". You could use 'suddenly'.

I was confused, late for what?

It should be: "I was confused: Late for what?"

I hadn't listened to their conversation, only straying in when I realized I was still in their prensense.

THis is a really weird sentence. I get what you're trying to say, but I suggest rewording it.

besides I'm sure miss?" The last part was questioned to me.

I'm sure miss what? That's an incomplete sentence. And it should be "the last part was directed towards me."

I'm quite sure that miss Sera

Capitalize 'miss'.

I felt as if Jessy wished for me to leave, sensing the hate in his voice.

How 'bout "I sensed the hate in his voice" And then find a good word for the first phrase.

so I took the easiest way out; agreeing with Jessy.

Instead of the semicolon use a hyphen.

Chase however took another step towards me,

Put commas around 'however'.
________________________________________________________________________

You are improving your word choice and description, but you need to get into the head of your character more. I also thought this was a totally weird encounter, although interesting. It did make me want to see what was next, however. So--use more vivid description, more thoughts, and make it more mysterious! I would have suggested not introducing the names of the other two men. Also, give more of your character's thoughts as he/she's running, maybe something personal, like about school, friends, the like. So we cna get a feel for the character. ^^

Keep on writing,
~Timea

PM me when the next part's out!

thanks Timea. I always try to improve my word choice and detail. I'm glad that you've noticed it ^_^. I'll Pm you when I finish chapter 2. I hope you like it too.

Very mysterious. Nice touch!

Sorry I couldn't read this sooner but I have been so busy.

Okay, well, I think you fixed everything that everybody suggested and I didn't really notice anything myself so I guess this will be a short critique.

My only suggestion is that when the guy meets Tera, you need to lengthen a bit. I feel that it is too rushed and confusing on how quickly he shows up.

And some of the things she thinks about are kind of pointless to the whole of the story. You might need to make that more clear. Here, I have an example:

This was strange, but how did I notice something as meaningless as this?

You were talking about Jessy's posture here but she noticed it, so I guess you had a meaning for putting it in here. So, I guess it isn't meaningless. I don't think you should say that or, instead of cutting it out, reword it so she might think it strange that she noticed it but so that it wasn't meaningless.

Okay, I'm not sure if I am making sense at the present time because I am in a hurry.

Sorry I couldn't give you a longer review!

Hope to see more and PM me when you finish the next chapter!

I'm glad you liked it, and of course I'll PM you when I finish Chapter 2 ^_^

Haulting to a stop, I investicated to see what had caught my attention.

How about, 'Halting, I edged closer." Or something like that. Yeah, this sentence is just... awkward. 0_0

Something wasn't right. My heart was beading faster and I didn't know why. Nothing was there, right? Uncertanty gripped my mind, putting me in a short period of panic.

Beating, not beading. And uncertainty. Short period of panic? Sounds sort of odd. Try it more like this: "Uncertainty gripped me, panic rising into my throat."
That sounds better, no? ^^

I knew walls don't ware cloths, so imediatly I realized that it was a person. A giant compared to me. Looking up I finally mad eye contact with the person before me.

Wear* clothes* immediately* Get rid of finally, it doesn't fit, and made, not mad.
Oh, and put a comma after 'Looking up'.

There are more little typos and misspellings, and I'm sure other people will get those. Now to review plot/characters:


It was an interesting concept, but I definitely think you can do better. Your main character, Tera, is ominously flat, and as other critics said before me, you need to get into her head more, and maybe elaborate on Jessy and Chase. Also, you might want to make the sentences longer. Just try better wording, there seemed to be a lot of strange, almost unintelligible sentences. It was intriguing, though. I hope you keep going!
Good luck,
-Sela

Try "skinnier" rather than "more skinny" and work on your general punctuation and spelling as suggested. Otherwise, good!! You are descriptive, but not TOO descriptive, and you create a very stimulating atmosphere! keep it up!!