The Fosse Grim Returns to Water

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The Fosse Grim Returns to Water

We float, my dear, we float.
And the sleeping caddisfly ventures
Ever nearer to the disturbed water.

On a mountain of misery, we
Built our rooms and empty walls,
filled them, then closed the skies
and all the stars with an emptier roof.
I did not realize how empty I’d become,
by then.
How devoid of that heavy fullness
I want to spy in your eyes. Nor did I realize
how strong your hands have become, dearest.
Such warm coffee you made me,
In our little fortress of solitude.
The bath is warm, dear, and our children cold.

There is no nectar, no liquid honey.
There is no peeping boy in the eaves.
And come April,
There shall be nectar only
In the Flame of the Forest.

There is our Ajay here, defeated,
Floating beside me, and little
Leela’s soft hair, black and suspended.
I can only imagine that this wet wind
That cools my lips shall touch yours too
And bring some empty sounds.
The porch is dark, where we used to sit
growing paler like the yellowing wheat and sun.

There are no oceans of Trojan gore,
No bloody Abel or bleeding Laxman
Who can be revenged or
(if 'tis not too much) saved.
There is only a little stream
From the pinprick in my neck
That I first felt while reading this morning
How Leopold Bloom’s watch stopped ticking;
And you walked in with an apple
You had cut to pieces and the knife
With which you had cut it. And you stood
Behind me as once you had beside me
And fed me red-skinned fruits.
Did you see my closed eyes, my closed heart?
Did you notice the shadows on my face?

You have eaten apples too, haven’t you?
The forbidden variety from the town,
Though I did not forbid it. There is
A car rolling like an ominous wooden horse,
making its way up the hillock.
The doctor did not come in that car,
Did he, when he came to treat your eyes?
Maybe he plans to travel far this night
When the shadows are wailing
Like owls having nightmares.
I fear, my dear, that things don’t rhyme anymore.
I can’t write letters to you like while you were
Away for your health, for your beautiful eyes,
Away with the doctor who saw their miseries.

Do you remember how you used to say
Ecco homo” every time I opened the bedroom door,
With you within, or came to sleep beside you?
We were young then, fresh from university
And Latin courses. I wondered where all the photographs
Were of our youth? Have you hidden them all away
Or are they lying there somewhere below me now,
Covered in algae blue and green.
Your hands, my dear, are they shaking?
Keep them firm, like you did when you lulled
Ajay to sleep. His pillow, a lullaby was.
Your hands are strong, my dear.
I’d bet my clothes that the doctor knows
But I don’t have them on me.

The fly has made it to the water
And we still float somewhere between here
And God knows where else. But He knows it well.
I feel pale, my dear, you always make my baths so well.
I’m sure I’ll stay in longer, but you know why
We never had lilies- the pond freezes every winter night,
the caddisflies and the crickets are silent.
Have you had your bath yet? Do you feel any cleaner?
I told you that the bath was warm and the children cold
The nighttime scares them so. You’ve left
The bathroom lights on. Who’ll pay the bill
As you run to the gate where he waits?
I’m sorry. I was always the economic one
And I kept denying us things.

Bon voyage, dear, and don’t strain your eyes
Looking at murky ponds past evening.

This is where the uphill stops,
The old road tops
The hill.
This is where the cypress gloats,
The singer floats
Until

The song hath sunk.
Last edited by Palantalid on Thu Aug 28, 2008 3:25 pm, edited 3 times in total.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




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Points 890
Reviews 84
Hey :)

Ok, firstly, long...... Maybe breaking it into 2 parts?

Just a few things ;)

We float, my dear, we float.
And the sleeping caddisfly ventures
Ever nearer to the disturbed water.


I think - water.

But you go and confuse the reader with the next few lines:

On a mountain of misery, we
Built our rooms and empty walls
And filled them and closed the skies
And all the stars with an emptier roof.


Mountain? Skies? Stars? Two very different scenes in a very short amount of time...

I want to spy in your eyes and how
Strong your hands have become, dearest

This doesn't seem right, grammatically. You say you want to do something then you just go on with a completely different exclamation. This is a run-on sentence.

Such warm coffee you made me,

Completely unexpected. Here we are talking about the skies and heart-felt emptiness and then you mention warm coffee?

This whole poem is all over the place - from Trojan gore to an apple.

I know you are trying to bring across a meaningful message but try simplifying the 'feedom' of words.

“Ecco homo” every time I opened the bedroom door,
With you within, or came to sleep beside you.
We were young then, fresh from university


University? Omg. Here I am thinking of a couple living together and loving each other in a humble home....somewhere near a Forest?
About a hundred years ago?

Sorry, I'm very, very lost.

Try getting a consistent feel for the whole poem and slow down on all the metaphors...they confuse the reader entirely.

Work on it :)

Peace V :P
Smile - ur alive




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I was quickly scrolling down the home page and was about to click the exit button at the top, when I saw your user name and immediately clicked on this before even reading the first line. Wow. I swear I will read this published someday.
This poem is absolutely beautifully written. Such a great vocabulary, and I love the references to history and the way you tie the beginning to the end again. Its so simple, and yet so complicated, and it seems like it could have different hidden meanings for many different people. I'm sorry I don't have anything very constructive to say, I just had to tell you how brilliant I thought this was. I wish I could write like you.
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real?




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Hey there, Ant.

“We float, my dear, we float.
And the sleeping caddisfly ventures
Ever nearer to the disturbed water.”


- I think you might do better to separate this from the next stanza. It would help the understanding and would be a nice stand out.

“On a mountain of misery, we
Built our rooms and empty walls
And filled them and closed the skies
And all the stars with an emptier roof.”


- Here you use “and” too much. Perhaps something like “filled them, closing the skies/and all the stars with an emptier roof”? That’d cut down on the almost stilted feeling of this.


“How devoid of that heavy fullness
I want to spy in your eyes and how”


- Here you’re missing some punctuation between “fullness” and “I”, without it there becomes confusion with the subsequent lines. I’d suggest a full stop. Also, the third line fails to make sense. “I want to spy in your eyes, and how” – add the comma. Although it still fails to make a flowing connection perhaps “and see how”

“In our little lonely fortress of solitude.”

- I would suggest taking out “little” or “lonely” here. I think it jars slightly in the saying.


“Who can play mischief and shoot
Bolts from his quiver.”


- I think you don’t need these lines. They’re too much. – I realize their meaning, but I don’t think you need to lead us so fully.

“The porch is dark, where we used to sit white hair’d
And watch the farm children play and grow thirsty.”


- I don’t like this line somehow. It seems as though it were just placed there so it could be there, if you know what I mean?

“Who can be saved by the monkey-borne
Mountain or punishing life-breather.”


- These two lines here are missing something, a level of flow you have elsewhere. I doubt you even need them.

“How Leopold Bloom’s watch stopped ticking;”

- This feels like name dropping. You don’t need the line.

“And you walked in with an apple
You had cut to pieces and the knife
With which you had cut it. And you stood
Behind me as once you had beside me
And fed me red-skinned apples
Once my eyes were closed.

You have eaten apples too, haven’t you?
The forbidden variety from the town,
Though I did not forbid it.”


- Not sure you need *any* of this. It’s good… but it’s narrative and doesn’t add… it does a little… but not enough, I don’t think, to keep?

“There is
A ULR, an Unidentified Land Rover,”


- This lines stares at me everytime I look at the poem. I really don’t like it, but I couldn’t tell you why.

“I fear, my dear, that things don’t rhyme anymore
And I can’t write letters to you like while you were
Away for your health and for your beautiful eyes
With the doctor who saw their miseries.”


- You’re needing some punctuation here. Read though and you should see it.

“With you within, or came to sleep beside you.”

– Question mark?

“And where are all the photographs
Of our youth? Have you hidden them all away
Or are they lying there somewhere below me now,
Covered in algae Blue and Green.”


- Why capitals on the colours? Also, I would start this without the “and”

“We never had lilies- the pond freezes every winter night
And the caddisflies freeze and the crickets make chatter.”


- I don’t like the repetition of “freeze here” as well as the repetition of “and”

“Have you had your bath yet? Do you feel any cleaner?
I told you that the bath was warm and the children cold
And the nighttime scares them so.”


- Delete the “and” here, use a comma after “cold”

“And I always kept denying us things.”

- I’d delete “always” here. Helps with the flow.


“You won’t find much.”

- I dislike this part. It lacks the feeling, and the poetry of rest of the poem.

---

I like this, and I do understand this. I think you’ve got some run-on sentences and lines that could do with a work up and overall it turns out to be something that might benefit from being somewhat shorter. I found it hard, the first time, to read through the whole thing without wanting to go away again. So there seems an issue with engaging the reader. I think if you work on some of the things I’ve mentioned, you should be right.

Again, I like this. Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Bravo! Very grand job on this poem. It was very well worded, good flow and written well! Excellent!
Sincerely,

Jade



Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau