Secret.

Not just a secret, this was denial.

Blocked out for so long.
Denying its existence.
I lied for months
To everyone, but most of all
Myself.
I just wouldn’t accept the truth.

Not just a secret, this was personal.

A memory I tried to erase,
Like that birthday that went wrong.
But I still got the presents
So I smiled.
I just didn’t like the party.
It just didn’t fit.
Like I was celebrating something fake.

Not just a secret, this was emotion.

Try to talk to someone?
Impossible.
My mouth failed to open.
Locked by a key of silence,
Yet the silence was my self defence.
I was protected from myself that way.
That was a mistake,
But we all make mistakes.
Don’t we?

Not just a secret, this was lies.

I remember the first time
That the doctor asked me how I felt.
I lied through my teeth
Pretending
That ignorance would be bliss
But it wasn't. For this was
My life.
My perfect life.
Just without a perfect mind.

Not just a secret, this ruled my life.

Looking back, I now see
The opportunities I had.
Always asked how I was
And what did I say?
"Fine."
That was an understatement.
My life had spiralled out of control
And I how no idea how to cope.

Hey, JustMe!

*high fives* Welcome to YWS! Definite kudos for trying out poetry; it's definitely not the easiest thing to start with.

I think my main problem with this poem was the lack of a message. I didn't understand what this "secret" was about, and thus...didn't understand the whole point of it. There were a lot of metaphors, but they didn't connect and it was basically a lot of loose threads without intention of a knot.

For poems with feelings more difficult to convey, you'll want to take a look at extended metaphors. This poem by Incandescence is an excellent example of a poem with extended metaphor. Try picking one of your metaphors in this poem--the key/lock one, perhaps--and write a poem using that kind of terminology to describe your feelings. Even if you actually never reveal the secret, it will give your readers something more of substance to take in.

Thank you Sam for saying exactly what I was going to say .

Poetry is a very hard form to master, and let me tell you I am far from it myself. But keep trying, and listen to what these guys say, they know their stuff.

Hey there

What's the secret, what's the secret?

Welcome to YWS!

Okay, onto the poem. I really like the way it's laid out, and the repitition of 'Not just a secret'. It helped the whole poem to flow easier.

I also like the way you've been describing this secret, but I agree with sam, it needs another theme. Part of being a writer (or artist) is harnessing your emotion into something else. If you're trying to run from the secret, it's hard to portray it to your readers.

A great start though, keep up the good work

I do think it is a bit drawn out. I think if it was shorter, it would have a bit more impact. I like the prose and the subject--although reading it, it did seem a bit cliche.

JustMe. wrote:Not just a secret, this was bigger

Blocked out for so long
Denying its existence
I lied for months
To everyone, but most of all
Myself.
I just wouldn’t believe

Looking back, I wish I’d said
Perhaps
I wouldn’t feel such regret
I need closure now
But how?
That’s why I have to know

Not just a secret, this meant more

A memory I tried to erase
Like that birthday that went wrong
But I still got the presents
So I smiled
It was just I didn’t like the party
It just didn’t fit.
Like I was celebrating something fake

Looking back, I now see
The opportunities I had
Always asked how I was
And what did I say?
Fine.
That was an understatement

Not just a secret, this was emotion

Try to talk to someone?
That’s impossible
My mouth failed to open
Locked by a key of silence
It was my life
My problem.
I felt it was all down to me

Looking back, I still understand
Why I never talked
Silence was my self defence
I was protected from myself that way
That was a mistake
But we all make mistakes
Don’t we?

Not just a secret, this was fear

Worried it might return
Like that reoccurring nightmare
But this was no make-believe
This was my life
My perfect life.
Just without a perfect mind

Looking back, Oh how I wish I’d said
But for I’ll live with the regret
I still need closure
But when will I find it?
I just don’t know

Now... this was too abstract... ideas which bored me after a while and the words blurred. You never explained the secret... It's just too long, cut it down, I'd be able to like it better. It doesn't work as a long poem. Overall: The idea is cliche and the whole poem too---too long.... it was dang labour to read...

Good luck
VSN

----------------
Listening to: Donots - Big Mouth
via FoxyTunes

Hey

It was ok until this bit :

A memory I tried to erase
Like that birthday that went wrong
But I still got the presents
So I smiled
It was just I didn’t like the party
It just didn’t fit.
Like I was celebrating something fake

Birthday? Presents? These ruin the feeling of remorse/sadness/regret etc.

Looking back, I now see
The opportunities I had
Always asked how I was
And what did I say?
Fine.
That was an understatement

Self-talk in a poem needs to work. This doesn't work.

Looking back, I now see
The opportunities I had
Always asked how I was
And what did I say?
Fine.
That was an understatement

This is ok.

Looking back, I still understand
Why I never talked
Silence was my self defence
I was protected from myself that way
That was a mistake
But we all make mistakes
Don’t we?

But very abstract...and each stanza just repeats the previous but with a slight alteration.

Keep working on it

Peace V

I agree it could have been shorter...but nice all the same

Not just a secret, this was bigger (nice beginning)

Blocked out for so long
Denying its existence (first 2 lines: I felt the emotion)
I lied for months
To everyone, but most of all
Myself.
I just wouldn’t believe (I liked the first part, but then you get into lying to yourself.. I don't have any suggestions. Just in my opinion, I think it's overused)

Looking back, I wish I’d said (said? said what? come on! don't leave me hangin'!)
Perhaps
I wouldn’t feel such regret
I need closure now
But how?
That’s why I have to know

Not just a secret, this meant more (okay. not great thought)

A memory I tried to erase
Like that birthday that went wrong
But I still got the presents
So I smiled (LOVE the birthday connection)
It was just I didn’t like the party
It just didn’t fit.
Like I was celebrating something fake (love this line)

Looking back, I now see
The opportunities I had
Always asked how I was
And what did I say?
Fine.
That was an understatement (I like to some degree)

Not just a secret, this was emotion (very good)

Try to talk to someone?
That’s impossible
My mouth failed to open
Locked by a key of silence
It was my life
My problem.
I felt it was all down to me (I think the rest of this verse is good except for that last line. "It was my life My problem" I feel it doesn't flow. It sounds rough and tough and I felt a change in emtional range that sounded akward in this position because for much of the poem you go on to an emotion of melancholy and depression but here I sense anger in a place where it shouldn't be.)

Looking back, I still understand (this line didn't make sense to me. I still understand? and Looking back also is a very overused set of words)
Why I never talked (good line)
Silence was my self defence (okay)
I was protected from myself that way (again, I feel the anger)
That was a mistake
But we all make mistakes
Don’t we? (nice ending to a verse. I felt it lightened up the verse for me. Thanks)

Not just a secret, this was fear (okay)

Worried it might return (what might return?)
Like that reoccurring nightmare
But this was no make-believe
This was my life
My perfect life.
Just without a perfect mind (I dislike everything in this verse except for the last line)

Looking back, Oh how I wish I’d said (come on! looking back again?!? #1) it's overused, #2( you used it twice!! that ticked me off as a judge and it would as a reader as well)
But for I’ll live with the regret (try to make sense)
I still need closure
But when will I find it?
I just don’t know (the ending is good not great but good though you used the word closure... again...)


Sorry if you feel like I tore apart your poem.
I dislike repetition as a reader and judge of poems. It wasn't bad.
Just seemed very.... commercial.
Something anyone could come up with.
I'm not saying you're a bad writer because of course I sense talent here but this wasn't your best piece.
Perhaps you need more time to grow as a writer.
It's okay, I used to write like this too

7/10

I really liked the fact that you were trying to describe something through many others, it was neat. I would just like to point out though, that you left us with nothing at the end. I was confused. What was the secret? will we ever find out? anyway, you are doing good, so keep it up!

The secret is depression.
I'm going to rework it later and post it again..
Thanks for the feedback though, it's really useful..

i think it needs to be condensed a little, its just too long saying the same things over again. granted i amy not be the best jusge of things, but i think it needs to bee either shorter, or add some new material to it. i got bored with it about halfway-two thrids the way through...

Have made lots of edits to the poem.
What do you now think?

I liked it.

I think that it was a good poem and just like a secret, you won't share it like immediately.

The poem is hiding the secret itself. I liked the way the poem hid it.

It was challenging to know what the secret is and that is the reason why your poem became very interesting.

Good job! Keep writing!

~Casey the AWESOME

Hmmm...okay. I get your point, sorta. But the poem itself was just to general for any real thought. We want information! Who is this person? What's the secret? Description! Imagery!