graving A save....(trying to get a good name...)

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:smt059

Time was running short as the dawn approached. He had to get to the girl before they moved on, leaving him to cower in the shadows. He ran as fast as he could, pushing every mussel in his body to the limit.

He broke through the line of trees into there camp ground. 'Where is she? Where is she?!'he thought furiously as he looked into the tents quickly and carefully.

On the horizon of trees you could see the faint glow of the sun as it tryed to break completely through to the forest floor.

The boy ripped open one last tent and there , sitting straight up on the bed, was the girl.She had chains wraped around her as though she might still be able to walk away with them on.

She sat there, staring off into space as her deadly pale skin pricked and her eyes-as she sat there-where piercing.

"Gatame?" the boy whispered into the beautiful girl's ear.

"Tren?" she asked breaking through.Back to the real world.

"Ya."he answered feeling around her chains for a blemish...He found one and pulled. The chains went limp and clattered into a heap as Gatame stood up.

"Come on we have to go."Tren said as he took her arm.

"Wait!" she said, but it was too late. He had walked out into the sun with her. e shrieked in pain as Gatame looked up into the cruel eyes of the general. He shoved Tren back into the tent and yanked her away.

"Tren used all the water in the tent to splash on his burns.As the water melted into steam, his wounds healed.He was running out of strenght and he would have to wait up for a friend of his to catch up.

:smt051

The crowds of soldiers that had piled into the many tents the night before had already reached there boats or horses and where on there way down the path to Hollow's End.

"Get on the horse."the general ordered to Gatame with a sword in his hand. She climbed aboared with a little help from a young soldier. She smiled at him a thanks as another soldier bound her hands to the rein. The young boy blushed and scurried off to join his commrads. The other soldier bound her feet to the horse as well to make sure she wouldn't be draged if the horse bucked.

Gatame lay on the horse's neck as she gave the horse kind words, closing her eyes.

:smt068

"She's as beautiful as her name!" the soldier boy whispered to his older fellows.

"Wew! Frey has a crush!" one soldier yelped.

"No I don't!" he whispered in protest as he blushed again.

"Ya he does." another whispered back.

Frey looked back at the girl. She was the one to bring there homes to piece. She lay down now. Against the horse and yet the meanest horse in the camp didn't mind her. She really was a merical. And after all he had to respect her...

(to let you know Gatame means veiw or sceen in japanese...)

:smt039

She jumped into the clearing of scattered tent remains. Only one of the bundles was still standing.

"Hm...looks like he decided to stay behind." she said to her self as she tread over to the tent. The sun burned bright against her tanned skin. She had been out all day looking for him and she was glad to see he decided to wait for her. She had always admired his love and kindness, even for what he truly was.

"Tren, you there?" she asked looking into the darkly lit tent. A shadow shuddered and she walked towards it.

As she set her hand down on his shoulder he looked up. His eyes glowed warmth with embers but were as red as blood. He smiled kindly to her and then dropped his head down again.

"Hey! Get up sleepy head. I'll help you."she said propping his head up on her shoulder. She knew how it went and she was prepared.

"Thanks, Genki." he rasped. He bit down on her neck gently as she closed her eyes.

:smt068

Frey looked up at her and he was happy to know the horse hadn't bucked the whole way they'd gone. He smiled down at the ground.

A few soldiers whistled and he gave them dirty looks.

'She probably already has some one to love.' he thought as the soldiers looked at him with smiles.

She looked back, as best she could and smiled politely at all of them. Most of the soldiers looked dumb found at how she was so polite and beautiful.

Frey chuckled and she looked his way. He smiled and bowed a little. She smiled back.
Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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hmm... not bad but I have no clue what is happening. Why is Gatame in chains? Why is Tren looking for Gatame? Who is the general? But if i am correct you'll probably exsplain later on- right?

Its not bad but, its not really good. Alittle troulbe with detail, but the grammar and such is fine.


Good luck, when you add detail and more chapters I'll check them out ^_^


ps- have you read Unloved?
check out my deviantart account ^_^
http://maki121.deviantart.com/




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Ok yes ill explain later and yes ill try to add more detail and no i havent read unloved yet....Ill try. :D
-em
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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Methinks someone could use some work on his spelling. A few instances...

The boy ripped open one last tent and there, sitting strait up in bed...



That should be "straight." And add a comma after "bed." -

'Where is she?Where is she?' he thought.


Space between sentences.

"Wait!" he said, but it was to late.


Should be "too late," sir. And last but not least, 'sward' is 'sword.'

Overall, I think it's rushed. Slow down and describe the scene some more.

Kyte
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




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Ok ill edit this in a few min. and i think i might be able to slow down but ive already written more i'll write it up later though....
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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it was a god idea but really sketchy, i kinda got lost. try to use more details and word it differently. i would head back to the drawing board and keep trying!!
Why did you hit me?" he groaned groggily, blinking like an owl.

"Why are you in my bed!?" I countered, wriggling in embarrassment.



There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.
— J.K. Rowling