The Celtic-Chapter 1

The Celtic

Chapter 1

Tales of Ye Old Araina

Once upon time in the land of Araina there was a tyrant. He ruled the land with an iron fist, and forced the citizens to work continuously, but one day a hero arrived. He cut the king from his throne and took over as the ruler of Araina. For 7 long years the king took care of Araina and returned it to its former glory. Something happened in those 7 years, something no one expected. Dark clouds surrounded the city and everyone rushed to the king for answers. He came to them and told everyone to create a powerful potion to dispel the evil. They worked for 4 months and then the potion was done. The king, willing set out into the darkness and threw himself into it. The clouds disappeared and the king was nowhere to be found.

Only a short day after the clouds disappeared another man came toward the gates of Araina. He came with good news; they had found a cave in the Orous Mountains. In this cave set a crystal, it held some secret, a prophecy in which we never completely deciphered.
The prophecy reads.

A child of Eron, The birth of a monster

A land full of pain, a land full of sorrow

The sacrifice of tomorrow, the power they received

Would destroy the world, in its time of need

The aftermath of what’s to come, will bring a light from above

The final step to victory, they all shall bow on one knee


Finally the people had hope, but for this child of Eron, where to find him?
They search for centuries but have never found such a child. They needed a leader, someone to rule their land. Cyrin, a young women, was chosen to rule their kingdom. She ruled for many years as Queen of Araina, and everything was at peace; until a dark force threatened to destroy their kingdom. The queen did something drastic to save the kingdom of Araina, the end.

The old women shut the journal, and held it in her arms.

“Alright kids, class if over for now, next time we’ll read The Tales of Arthur Nick.”
Children scurried out of the room and the hallways filled with laughter. One child stood before the old lady, and stared at her deeply.

“Dear, you should probably go now,” She said with a gentle smile.

“I jus wanted ta ask, why did de story end like that,” his words choppy and barley pronounced.

“Well that’s all that written in the journal dear, it stops there, now off you go.” She turned him around and gave him a little push, before the boy left the room he turned around to look at her one last time. She motioned for him to move and he did just that.



Note-I realize this is awful, i did it last night, copied most of it from a rough draft, this is most certainly NOT the final copy, i just needs some critique's for it.
I'm new, but don't be easy on me cause of that, if you're too easy on me that would be just as bad if you were hard on me

Hi Mortality! Nice to meet you!

Anyhow, on to the crit:

Tales of Ye Old Araina

From this title, I am unsure whether this will be taking the mick out of fairy tales or if this is just the title. If the first, I would add an 'e' onto the end of 'Old', or just take away the 'Ye Old Araina'.

Once upon time in the land of Araina there was a tyrant.

:shock: This is where I feel ill. I am praying that this is a comedy story. If it isn't, you have lost 99% of your readers right here. If this is a serious tale. Rewrite the entire first paragraph. I am sorry if this sounds mean, but it is true! I will give you an idea. Finding original ways of writing cliche lines is what we all must do, as irritating as it may be, so... how about...

'Amid the misty depths of a land, Araina, distant but never forgotten, a tyrant stood.'

Alright that was a bad example, but do you see what I mean? Going for original ways of portraying the standard, overused phrases? Anyhow, the couple of following lines were more or less the same, but the rest is alright, no need to worry about that bit .

The clouds disappeared and the king was nowhere to be found.

Only a short day after the clouds disappeared

Again, work on finding different ways of portrayal, and get your points across.

which we never completely deciphered.

If you are writing about someone who actually lives there, then there must be more hints, or even a direct description. You could even take this one step further and just after say something like: 'We, you ask?' and then go into a short summary of how your guy is involved.

The prophecy read[s]s.[/s]::

A child of Eron, The birth of a monster,

A land full of pain, a land full of sorrow,

The sacrifice of tomorrow, the power they received,

Would destroy the world, in its time of need.

The aftermath of what’s to come, will bring a light from above,

The final step to victory[s],[/s]: they all shall bow. [s]on one knee[/s]

I have put in a few corrections, grammatical mostly, and a few suggestions.

They searched

Past tense.

The queen did something drastic to save the kingdom of Araina, the end.

[s]I don't understand this bit, the last two words mostly [/s]

Now I feel very stupid and now I know why. This was an entire tale, that someone was reading! Grr! Anyhow, I think my corrections still apply, even if they are just fairy tales. As the writer, you should have put the entire tale into italics.

Anyway,

“Dear, you should probably go now,” [s]She[/s] she said with a gentle smile.

“I jus' wanted ta ask, why did [s]de[/s] the story end like that[s],[/s]?” [s]his words[/s] His words were choppy and barley pronounced.

“Well that’s all that's written in the journal dear, it stops there, now off you go.” She turned him around and gave him a little push, but before the boy left the room he turned around to look at her one last time. She motioned for him to move and he did just that.

My corrections are there. Again, be careful about repeating words here.

I enjoyed that, and would have more if I had known that was a tale being read in the story. Good effect, but remember to let the read know somehow. Actually, it would be even better if this story sounded like it was real, then just before someone dies the bell goes and she snaps the book shut.

Basic mistakes that if you just read through, you could pick up on. I would be interesting to know where this goes! I hope I wasn't too harsh.

Best,
-Mark