Apocalypse. (The nightmare begins book 1)

sorry guys but this is all i have for now. tell me what you think and ill post the rest soon.




Mesa State College
April 8, 2000
Grand Junction, Colorado


“Ms. Caldwell.” The professor called her name. “Would you mind telling the class what the formula for force is?” She asked.

“Ummm…I think it’s m = m x a.” She replied hesitantly.
The teacher studied her for a moment then addressed the class. “You thought correct. Now if you’ll open your books and turn to page 289, we will be looking at the basic principles of geography an…..” The teacher continued on.

She turned to the page in her book and noticed that they would indeed be studying the basic principles of geography, but seismology and a few other types of geography related subjects as well. This is not what I signed up for! She thought hastily.

I. NITPICKS

*singerofthenight* wrote:“Ms. Caldwell," the professor called her name, “Would you mind telling the class what the formula for force is?” She asked.

“Ummm…I think it’s m = m x a,"she replied hesitantly.
Space here

The teacher studied her for a moment then addressed the class. “You thought correct. Now if you’ll open your books and turn to page 289, we will be looking at the basic principles of geography an…..” (Take this out)

She turned to the page in her book and noticed that they would indeed be studying the basic principles of geography, but seismology and a few other types of geography related subjects as well. This is not what I signed up for! She thought hastily.

I. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I didn't notice too many errors and I don't really have anything to point out. It's too short to really point out anything. PM me if you add more.

I'm confused as to what this has to do with the Apocalypse. I didn't find even this very first part particularly intriguing or grabbing. But I'm not sure exactly what you're going for so I don't want to jump to conclusions.

I'm going to assume that seismology has something to do with the random splitting of the earth. I'm not sure if I see the point to posting so little. Its almost impossible to get a feel for the story to have any kind of constructive criticism.

I like the Apocalypse, though, so if you ever add more I would be happy to read it. ^_^

i will be adding the rest of the chapter later on today, i just didnt have time to finish it yesterday. sorry. the poin of me starting out is because the earthquakes and stuff dont start until like somewhere i the middle of the first book. i plan on making this a triology.

Mesa State College

April 8, 2000 [I think this would be better as either April 8th, 2000 or 08/04/2000 or possibly 8th April, 2000.]

Grand Junction, Colorado [Maybe put the place on the same line as the date? And I think the place should precede the date. That seems more... orderly to me.]

“Ms. Caldwell.” [Should be a comma before you end the speech and 'The' should have a small t.] The professor called her name. “Would you mind telling the class what the formula for force is?” [s]She asked.[/s]

“Ummm… (space after ellipse.)I think it’s m = m x a.” [The same again, comma before you end the speech and a small letter for 'She' and also, think about this carefully. This line is spoken so it would make more sense to have something along the lines of '"Ummm... I think it's m equals m times a,"'] She replied hesitantly.

The teacher studied her for a moment [Comma here.] then addressed the class. “You thought correct. Now if you’ll open your books and turn to page [s]289[/s] [either two-eight-nine or two hundred and eighty nine dependent on how you want your character to say it.], we will be looking at the basic principles of geography and…..” [Just use three dots for the ellipse and there's no need for other punctuation there. Also, small t for 'The'.] The teacher continued on.

She [She being the teacher or the student? I know who you mean but say the student to avoid ambiguity. Or give her a name and use that.] turned to the page in her book and noticed that they would indeed be studying the basic principles of geography, but also seismology and a few other types of geography related subjects[s] as well[/s]. This is not what I signed up for! [I'd suggest putting that in italics and then a small letter for 'She'.] She thought hastily.

This isn't a bad start, dear. And the title intrigues me but I think I'll have to await the next installment before I can be more helpful in my critique. For now I'll just say that this is a rather common situation and as such can be a little dull but you could make it more interesting by concentrating on the student's emotions and her surroundings. Why has the teacher picked on her? For her intelligence? Or because she was chattering to the noisy brunette beside her? Expand your introduction a little and try to give a sense of characterization and setting.

Talk to you soon,

Heather xx