The Blade

The blade cuts through her skin,
Like glass shattering on rock,
Finding it’s too hard,
She can’t stop,
Wrist so weak,
That she can’t speak,
Skin ripping,
Blood dripping,
Wrist hurts,
She falls to the dirt,
And weeps,
Goes home,
And sleeps,
Wakes up,
And she goes over the,
Scars again and again,
That cruel word,
Stay in her head,
While her bed,
Becomes a river of red,
The blade cuts through her skin.

Rhyming couplets about suicide...how...original.

Please, Lord and Lady, I hope you can hear the sarcasm. THis, well, is not the best I've seen in here. Not, neccesarily, the worst, but no where near the best. Maybe lower middle. First off, you start off with every other rhyming, then go to every rhyming, the lines are too short to get any real idea of what's going on, you just have some chick who's cutting herself. Average teenage life. WHoop-dee-doo, figure out it ain't just you, and move on. All this does is kind of make me pissed off at the person. Also, the rhyme seemed forced, you just kinf of threw out words till you found one that rhymed, so your lines are weird lengths, and it has no point.

Try again.

Preferably with a different topic, because you don't seem to be able to do this one.

I don't have a problem with writing about suicide, but it should feel personal. There should be a reason there, some thoughts, even if you don't say exactly what that reason is. This just seemed like whiny teen angst from someone who, not to take away the value of what you might be feeling, doesn't have it nearly as bad as she thinks she does.

I didn't particularly like the rhyming. The rhyming made the poem fast, and I don't think this poem needs to be fast. If you don't want to change the rhyming, please, at least, change this:

"And weeps,
Goes home,
And sleeps, "

If you developed it a bit more, then it could turn into something good.

I didn't like this
Firstly, I don't like suicide poems generally, so I may be a little biased.

I didn't like your short lines. They were just telling a story in little bits. It didn't grip me or pull me in. It didn't give you any emotions to relate to or make you think about anything.

The blade cuts through her skin,
Like glass shattering on rock,

Like glass shattering on a rock? Eh, I don't think that's a very good use of a metaphor.

Skin ripping,
Blood dripping,
Wrist hurts,
She falls to the dirt,

Can't you use a more powerful word than 'hurts'? I don't think you have to keep the rhyming. It makes it sound... flippant almost. This needs more description too.

And weeps,
Goes home,
And sleeps,
Wakes up,
And she goes over the,
Scars again and again,
That cruel word,
Stay in her head,
While her bed,
Becomes a river of red,
The blade cuts through her skin.

I think you can cut those first three lines. You should put more description into 'weep' if you're going to use it. 'That cruel word' seems disconnected from the poem. Try switching it with 'scars and scars again'. So it says 'That cruel word scars and scars again'. I also don't like 'scars and scars again'. I just sounds... weird I guess. 'Stay in her head'? Sounds too unemotional. The last three lines were okay, but as I said before, I don't like suicide poems particularly.
I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to give the reader in this. Make them sad? Show them that there are people who need help? It seemed like it was just a hopeless story. If you're trying to give the reader some emotion, I don't think just telling the story works. Try adding something like 'A life full of hope wasted' and parts like that. That's just my suggestions thought

Work with this and please keep writing. It has the potential to be good

1st of all this poem isn't about me
2nd of all i wrote this poem when i was about 11 and
3rd of all i know i have to change it up a little but like i said
not about me, and i was 11 but thank you for telling me what you think. this poem is 2 or 3 years old probley from when i have just started writing so it wont be that good but it will get better

I liked this but also agree with everyone else.Sorry Champangue.

it's ok greg thank you for you're honesty and you spell my name Champagne ok

oops ok then i will spell it Champagne!

thank you greg.

Reichieru wrote:This just seemed like whiny teen angst from someone who, not to take away the value of what you might be feeling, doesn't have it nearly as bad as she thinks she does.

Whiny teen angst? EXCUSE ME? People don't cut just because of whiny teen angst. We cut because everything goes gray and we can't feel anything anymore. We don't cut for attention. There's always a reason. A deep reason. Try to think next time you criticize something like that, alright?

Sorry. It's very personal to me. And in my opinion, this poem is very accurate. I've done it before.

I agree, the rhyming couplets don't work. They make it too simple and not deep enough. But the message is there. You just need to bring it more to the surface.

Gotta back Crysi on this one--don't go there, Reich.

Anyway, I like the deepness of this poem, it just needs more, like the others have already said--my suggestion, is this--go back and start a new poem from scratch, using the same theme and general tone.

I liked it, especially the last three lines. I don't think it's flippant at all.

Not enough info and also to much rhyming poem don't ave to eg i wrote a poem in p3 IT DID NOT ALL RHYME

i liked it because it is somthing i can relate to even if it was a little orced i still liked it it is always something deeper then wanting atention it is more deeper like crysi said.