Suffocating

This feeling
It's so hard to describe.
I’ve been underwater before;
Felt the burning, scraping, clawing at my lungs...
But this is different.
Because my lungs work fine.
They pull in air, and release it once more.
I can feel them there, inflating, flexing,
Making me think, feel, move.
But this is different.
Because I’m not really suffocating.
It only seems that way,
Whenever I leave your side, or you leave mine.
I start drowning.
But as soon as you come back,
My lungs fill with strength, power, joy.
Love is what keeps me from suffocating.

I liked this! However, I think you used the word "suffocating" too many times. I'd at least cut out the first one, and try finding synonyms for some of the others.

Also, there's little punctuation, which makes it hard to read, so re-do punctuation as you would in prose.

Lastly, the "Do I dare say?" threw mw off track. I would make it "...fill with strength, power, and joy./Love is what keeps me from suffocating."

However, I thought you had a good metaphor going on here. I especially liked this part.

I’ve been underwater before
Felt the burning, scraping, clawing at my lungs
But this is different.
Because my lungs work fine
They pull in air, and release it once more.
I can feel them there, inflating, flexing
Making me think, feel, move

Good job! Keep writing!

Thanks for the help! I've made some changes... Is it better?

although i dont know what your first draft was..i think you must have improved greatly!

this poem is very powerful and effective.

i like how you have portrayed this person-the emotions she feels.

I really like this.
Especially your choice of verbs; they are really effective in my opinion.

RandomGrrl wrote:Felt the burning, scraping, clawing at my lungs...

The assonance works well with those.


Although, I can't work out if I like the repetition of "But this is different."
I'm not sure if creates the best rhythm possible with it being there twice?
My only suggestion would be to lose the second one and change "because" to "but"?
If it doesn't look better like that, then I may be wrong..
(I'm new around here..)

Good Poem.

RandomGrrl wrote:This feeling
It's so hard to describe.
I’ve been underwater before;
Felt the burning, scraping, clawing at my lungs...
But this is different.
Because my lungs work fine.
They pull in air, and release it once more.
I can feel them there, inflating, flexing,
Making me think, feel, move.
But this is different.
Because I’m not really suffocating.
It only seems that way,
Whenever I leave your side, or you leave mine.
I start drowning.
But as soon as you come back,
My lungs fill with strength, power, joy.
Love is what keeps me from suffocating.

Like, Niteowl said, you used "Suffocating" too much, and try to find other words for it. Keep "Suffocating" only once. I liked how you described what it's like to suffocate. I don't like the lack of rhythm though. Try to add some rhythm and pick other words for "Suffocating" I hope this helps!

-Rick.

I thought thiss poem was good. Not excellent and not bad but good.
It seemed less like a poem to me and more like...

I don't know how to describe it.
A journal entry?
"Whenever I leave your side, or you leave mine.
I start drowning. "

There were little issues for me throughout this piece but I just let them slide as a sort of journal entry kind of thing. But the line I just quoting was kind of the cherry on the top of the sundae for me. I just didn't like it. It was cliche and akward but not horrible.

Not bad overall. 8 out of 10

The two suffocating bothered me for a while there but not so much to work on It's as good as it should be.

Kudos!

<3 JACE

Hey there! Kay you all, I kind of left Suffocating in there multiple times because the title is Suffocating, and that was my theme... However, if you all think its too much I might change it.

I liked this. Try using a thesorus to vary your words.

This is good. It is a very good metaphor. Although I don't know about suffocating. Empty seems a little more accurate. But, good writing and powerful imagery, especially "felt the burning, scraping, clawing..."