Heat Struck Memories

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 42
I knew that it was hot but who knew it could get this warm. I felt a drip of sweat fall against my chest as I turn to my right side. I heard a crackling sound outside my door. As I flip back on left side I see the flickering shadows upon on the walls of my dark room. That’s when it happened; all the chaos and disaster struck my life at this moment in time. “Get out April! The house is on fire!” I heard my father’s cry but was it was droned out quickly from the fire trucks wailing sirens. I pulled my long sticky legs up to my chest, pressing them so hard that my breasts could have been bruised. I had to get out but I was too scared to make a move for the window. All that my brain could process was that I was history; my life was soon going to flash in front of my eyes.

The heat was starting to become unbearable, as the smoke filled my lungs which had me gasping for the air left in my room. I heard something hit my window, another bang, the glass shattered as I screeched rocking back and forth not knowing what was happening to me. A big… thing climbed through my window holding its’ gloved hand towards me. I stared at it coughing from the smoke fluttering through my body. I felt my body grow limp as the masked creature lifted me off my bed and out of my room. Who knew that I wouldn’t ever see it again? I passed out after that and the last thing I remember was that masked man pulling off his helmet and mask looking deep into my eyes, pushing the hair matted onto my sticky, forehead. Time has passed know and god only knows what had started that fire. Maybe it was a white boy, the ones who called my brother a nigger everyday. I don’t know why but I always have had a feeling that the person that set our house in flames was out to get us. Martin was a good kid, always listening to the gospels looking out for us all and what a legend he is today. How that hot day changed us all. That day only remains in my memory… so clearly that I can almost see it...
peace love +& respect,
jess♥




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8413
Reviews 816
Hello, jessiieeboo,

You've got a story here, rather than a poem, so I'm going to move this to Other Fiction.

Happy writing!
-Leja




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 410
Hey Jess! I liked this and I liked how the story turned out to be about racism - on some level.

I knew that it was hot but who knew it could get this warm.

Doesn't really make sense and doesn't grab the readers attention like it should as a first line. Try re-phrasing or changing completely. Also, your tense is wrong.You could mention the month and what the temperature should be. For instance:
I knew that June in Mississippi could get warm, but the blistering heat was odd. Obviously change the date and place to suit your story.

As I flip back on left side I see the flickering shadows upon on the walls of my dark room.

I think you left a few words out here. Should there be something after 'on'?

the chaos and disaster struck my life at this moment in time

You skip tenses again here. It needs to be put back into past tense.

“Get out April! The house is on fire!”

New line for speech.

I heard my father’s cry but was it was droned out quickly from the fire trucks wailing sirens

This confuses me. Would you really phone the fire-brigade before telling your kid to get out the house? I'm sure you'd know if your house was on fire well in advance to when the fire-brigade actually get there.

A big… thing climbed through my window holding its’ gloved hand towards me.

Aw, Jess, you can do better than 'thing'. You go on to describe him as a creature - which is good - do so here.

Maybe it was a white boy, the ones who called my brother a nigger everyday. I don’t know why but I always have had a feeling that the person that set our house in flames was out to get us. Martin was a good kid, always listening to the gospels looking out for us all and what a legend he is today. How that hot day changed us all. That day only remains in my memory… so clearly that I can almost see it...

It's good to have the twist and some sort of reason behind the fire but you are info dumping. Try to break this up - get rid of anything unnecessary and don't swamp your writing down at the very end.

Overall this was good and I wish you the best of luck for the contest!

Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?



If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"