Alone

Two shots of hate from a mouth as loud as a gun,
like an assassin ... who does it for fun.
Two deafening blows in a war that has just begun,
life gone away...i’m done.
Two red roses sitting on my coffin, the wind blows, leaving only one
the world i know disappears...like the setting sun.

not a very nice person!!! enough to kill you with words huh? well to start. i do very much like the way you lead me through the small details. and somehow you managed to rhyme it as well, kudos kudos. it seems though that you went out of you way to distinguish the structure of the poem in a rather formal way. so i'd clean up by spacing out the [...] equally throughout the whole poem to make it look more uniform. you also lowercase 'i' but i'm assuming you purposely did that. lines 4 and 6 are repeats, so i would use line 4 to bring in the widespread 'death' that war usually carries, instead of a personal wound. if this is uniquely to one person, you, then i would change line 4 as it steps away from personal pain and point it towards a community of chaos. this can be a war internally, i guess, but upon initial glance, it looks as if it refers to more of the battlefield of people then that of the mind. a very neat roundup of details; you have talent in perceiving the world and transposing it into words. good luck!!!

zzap

Betsy - I noticed that you posted two poems one after the other today. Good job getting your two critiques done before doing that, but keep in mind that we discourage posting more than one new item a day. If you clog up the forums with your stuff, no one will read it! In the future, please refrain from doing that and remember to keep your crit-to-post ratio at a healthy 2:1! Welcome to YWS!

betsyy wrote:Two shots of hate from a mouth as loud as a gun,
like an assassin ... who does it for fun.
Two deafening blows in a war that has just begun,
life gone away...i’m done.
Two red roses sitting on my coffin, the wind blows, leaving only one
the world i know disappears...like the setting sun.

This is a very interesting poem. I liked the rhyming in each sentence. Try to cap your "I" from now on though. . Well, the rythem is amazing too. Keep up the good work!

-Rick.

It's an interesting poem. Lots of emotion. I like the way you used figurative language.

Good Job!

Thanks for the positive replies everyone. =]
Next time I will remeber to cap my I's

Thanks Again!

Yes this is really interesting. I didn't expect the ending. For the first four lines I was thinking 'Where is this going?' and then you answered it with the last two lines and I was like ah yeah!

I liked the structure of this poem, it look really nice on the page, and it read well (:

Sometimes I can find rhyme(that is how you spell it right?) a bit sickening if it feels too contrived. I thought the rhyming in this really flowed.

The one bit that kind of confused me was the first line :

Two shots of hate from a mouth as loud as a gun

I'm assuming you are describing the 'shots of hat' as being 'as loud as a gun'? To me it read like you were describing the 'mouth' as being as 'loud as a gun'. I think some punctuation/reworking of the sentence order would work well to lessen confusion (:


Well done for this!

this was a very emotional piece. nice work.
your rhyming was great! and the figurative language was good as well.

along with -save-farris-, I had no idea where the heck the poem was going until the very end.
nice job.


-GC10

Very interesting, Like gamechanger10 and -save-ferris- I had no idea where this poem was going but I like had it turned out. Your rhyming was awesome-- kudos for that-- and I really like your subject. You defiantly know how to describe things. I can't really think of something to add that hasn't already been said. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to read more from you! =D

its nice to hear were your coming from
i really like this poem
its cool

the poem sounds like have been through alot
in your life
it also sounds as if your in alot of pain.
but the poem was great and it speaks to the soul
of a person who wantsto become a poet .
keep up the grat work
also i would like you to look at my poem even though i messed up on it
i'd love to hear wat you have to say about it