Song in My Head

Song in My Head
A simple tune
Plays in my head
Over and Over.
Of a song
Written long ago
The words just slip out of my mouth.
And as I sang this melody,
I thought of you and me
Listening to our favorite CD.
We didn't care if we weren't free.
As we danced,
My heart chanced
I became entraced,
Most definitly romanced.

I never saw you again.

So now I'm sitting;
Just permitting
All of my memories to come through.
I like to think that what we had was true,
And by listening to this song,
I can always come back to you.

As they say: "Short and Sweet." A good and simple little poem here, but I do have a few suggestions:

Song in My Head
A simple tune
Playing in my head
Over and Over Is there a particular reason why the second 'over' is capitalized? If not, I would make it lowercase.
Of a song I think it would make more sense if it were 'From a song'
Written long ago
The words just slipping out of my mouth
And as I sang this melody
I thought of you and me
Why we could not, should not, and won't be free I would change the 'won't' to 'will not' so that it flows better.

You also need some punctuation! I didn't add it in as it would be hard to see, but I think its pretty obvious. If you need help you can always PM me. Other than this, you have a beautiful little poem here. Nice work on this one. Looking foreward to reading more of your work!

1dering at stars wrote:As they say: "Short and Sweet." A good and simple little poem here, but I do have a few suggestions:

Song in My Head
A simple tune
Playing in my head
Over and Over Is there a particular reason why the second 'over' is capitalized? If not, I would make it lowercase.
Of a song I think it would make more sense if it were 'From a song'
Written long ago
The words just slipping out of my mouth
And as I sang this melody
I thought of you and me
Why we could not, should not, and won't be free I would change the 'won't' to 'will not' so that it flows better.

You also need some punctuation! I didn't add it in as it would be hard to see, but I think its pretty obvious. If you need help you can always PM me. Other than this, you have a beautiful little poem here. Nice work on this one. Looking foreward to reading more of your work!

Well thank you for the suggestions. The second Over is capitalized because it's repeated and I don't usually do repetition. From a song could work. I used to do too much puncuation i got rid of it because it made me frustrated deciding where to put it.

Cute poem. I liked it. I enjoy reading short and sweet poems. Keep up the good work!

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! If any questions, don't hesitate to PM me. I'm more than happy to assist.

You have a cute little poem here. It made me smile. ^_^

You say you're having trouble with punctuation. Well, that's one of my better areas, so my review will be mainly on that.

Before I move onward, though, I notice you switch tense. I don't know if that's a good point to make or not, lol, but it threw me off. I'll make suggestions about it throughout this critique, but I'm thinking of changing tense to present.

A simple tune
[s]Playing [/s] plays in my head
Over and Over.

Your first sentence of the poem! The third line here has the capitalized second over, but you don't need that even in repetition. You can get away with lowercasing it.

From a song
Written long ago,
The words [s]just slipping[/s] slip out of my mouth.

Second sentence! We're good here. ^^

And as I sang this melody,
I thought of you and me --
Why we could not, should not, and [s]won't[/s] would not be free.

Your last line is great parallel structure, the repetition of verb tense [i.e. could, should, and would is great!]. Let's just keep the tenses the same, and it'll be more effective. Also, whether you did this on purpose or not, you rhymed, and I really liked it. It made these lines stand out.

I hoped I helped out some. It's a very sweet poem here. I liked it. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Also, whether you did this on purpose or not, you rhymed, and I really liked it. It made these lines stand out.

I hoped I helped out some. It's a very sweet poem here. I liked it. Keep writing!

Yes I did rhyme on purpose lol Thanks for the help.

Hmmm... right now, the beginning of this poem and the ending don't seem to connect. You try to connect a song playing over and over in your head with why the narrator and the other guy should never be free. But that would be like me saying, "Oooo, I have a highlighter... wanna make out?" It's just too random! You need to put a reason in there or at least make it make sense.

Good luck!

tennisprincess wrote:Song in My Head
A simple tune
Playing in my head
Over and Over.
From a song
Written long ago
The words just slipping out of my mouth.
And as I sang this melody,
I thought of you and me
Why we could not, should not, and won't be free.

This is a good start to a song. Add more detail add more rhythm and rhyming in this. So, add more to this and keep rhythm and rhyming at sn equal flow. I hope this helps.

-Rick.

awesome poem, it was personal, and yet, not sappy. i cant think of anything wrong thats not already been taken care of (sorry) what a waste of a review.
now watch whoever comments next go through and find something... way to show up God. haha..
great poem, ill be looking for more from you,

peace.

Lovely poem, short and sweet...so adorable!

I really liked this.
As others have said; I'm not sure of the tenses, but it's a really lovely short poem.
Hope to see more work like this.

I agree with JM^

That is so deep and this is a pome that is like a someone had a lost one!

Short and sweet! I only have a few suggestions to highlight what others said...

The beginning in the end don't really match. Unless that song had something to do with the end of the poem, which would mean you'd need more detail in the middle of the poem. Which was my second point...

Add more detail! And a few descriptive words couldn't hurt. The punctuation and such has already been pointed out.

More rhyming! It would really set the poem off, since the last line or two (or three...?) rhyme. The poem would really stand out then, I believe!

tennisprincess wrote:Song in My Head
A simple tune
Playing in my head
Over and Over.
From a song
Written long ago
The words just slipping out of my mouth.
And as I sang this melody,
I thought of you and me
Why we could not, should not, and won't be free?

Really this idea has some merit, but you trap it in this fragile stanza, not letting it fully be used. You tell us, can't you effect all our senses. Make us hear the music. This poem can't be short and sweet, ya need more to make this good.

Overall: Work on this, add more. And show us, let us feel don't tell us everything. Let us hear the music.

Good luck
VSN

----------------
Listening to: NOFX - Theme from a Nofx Album
via FoxyTunes