-removed-

removed

“I bathed in the sea, the rippling surface settling almost to my waist.”
- I’d just use “waist” here, scratch “almost”

“ Dancing in circles was the wind, touching skin and hair with its cold tendrils. I crossed my arms to conceal my breasts, soothing myself in the presence of its comfort.”
- The source of “comfort” here is ambiguous… try make it a bit clearer? I know it should be the air… but it doesn’t come across so well.

“It is raining mirrors.”
- Change in tense here.

“Water trailed down my rivulets, just like the rain that was on my body on the night that she had kissed me.”
- “down my revulets” ? – “my” doesn’t belong, I don’t think. Also, I’d take out that last “on”.


“Why do the shadow fish haunt?”
- I really like this line. Not completely sure why.


“In this sleeping darkness, I struggled to stay awake; their silent snores like the spectral orchestra of a thousand harps. “
- The semi-colon is wrong here, but I’m not sure about it. I’d suggest asking Jabberhut.


“ "I'm sorry. I should had given you something and instead-I-I haven't. I should've."

“Waverly. When I look at the raining mirrors, it shows only my appearance, my so called youth. How would you ever know exactly what I desire?” “
- Who is speaking here? If it is Bell then you should make this speech and the one above connect.


I like this, Andy, some small thing to fix up, but generally, I think the way you’ve written this, and how it works, to be done quite well. Luck with the task. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I bathed in the sea, the rippling surface settling to my waist. Dancing in circles was the wind, touching skin and hair with its cold tendrils. I crossed my arms to conceal my breasts, soothing myself in the comfort of its embrace. It was raining mirrors. As I looked up, their liquid veils rendered dull reflections of a girl. Her dark hair wisped to the summer breeze, eyes lined with mascara. Water trailed down in rivulets, just like the rain that was on my body the night that she had kissed me.

You over use present participles in this paragraph (the "ing" words). I feel that if you just simply cut some sentences short and turn the present participles into the past tense it will make the prose run a lot smoother.

A fan whirred, melding with the patter of rain, drowning out the slowly fading melody. By my bedside table was a nightlight, [s]casting [/s] which cast a small shell of light that projected the shadows of fins onto the walls.

I'm not a big fan of merging sounds, because really - how often will the sound of a fan and the patter of rain be so similar they become a single sound?

My imaginary rod was grasped firmly in my hands

Was it? I think it should be "I grasped the imaginary rod firmly in my hands." Also be careful not to get carried away with owning everything. In the first person its easy to start putting "my" before every noun. Determiners are your friend.

I closed my eyes once more, waiting for the return of Sleep, [s]for [/s] and his waves to carry me across the river and into nothingness. It was here that she struck the cords.

Points To Condsider

This was a very convoluted story, you seemed to drag out what was basically a character going to sleep out into a 500 word story. I think the fact is there is little point to it, a more conflicty story would be better. I just grew tired of the concept.

However the above is personal choice. To tidy this up I would consider getting rid of the overused present participles in this story replacing with past tense equivalents.

Read this aloud. There are awkward parts.

Don't be afraid to add in a full stop and include short minor sentences into this piece.

Okay, first, I want to make a point of that you kind of confused me in the beginning. You switched from the woman bathing in the ocean to a guy inside a house? (I'm not positive on that but you'll have to clear that up for me later if I'm wrong)

I thought that switch from two different characters were too swift and I had to reread it a second time to catch what was actually happening.

Another thing I think you could do is (and I agree with Phorcys on this one) that you should read this outloud and see if it makes sense to you. There are a couple of sentences that are awkward but I'm kind of in a rush right now and can't point those out to you, sorry.

But otherwise, your description of everything was really well done though. I think you write well and you have a nice, overall good story here.

You only may need to tweak a few things and eveyrthing will fall into place after that.

Good Luck

Hrmm thanks for your critiques guys.

Phorcys: I'm glad that you've decided to read another of my works. Thank you. The purpose of the piece is to write a 400-500 piece that focuses on the theme of "Memories are Us", where you write about something that triggers a memory and hence it leads to a flash back. In this case, it is the rain itself. I think I might consider your point on conflict, but I don't want to add anymore words. I'm thinking that I should add a bit more emphaise on Waverly's internal conflict and somehow link it in relation to the rain. Would that help?

I'll also edit this ruthlessly for awkward sentences.

Ashleylee: Thanks for your feedback. Just to let you know that the character's POV doesn't switch. It remains on Waverly the entire time. Bell (the Siren is also a girl). I think that I should make the transition between past and present more smooth so that it flows much better. I'll also edit this to make sentences clearer so that they don't sound awkward.

Thanks for your help again guys "tosses cookies out" (where you expecting me to throw sacks of money out? )

Most others pretty much hit the nail on the head with their critiques. It seemed awkward and confusing at parts. The writing itself was very well done, but the exceution of the story needs some work. Don't be afraid to actually story and tell the reader what's going on, it wont make the rest of it bad, meerly understandable. I'm sure you know what else to work on, but other than those few small things, good job.

Keep up the good work!

-JC

I don't like the use of "settling" in the first line. I didn't know a sea could "settle" in your waist. Makes it sound like a container or something.

Second sentence, you sound like Yoda. Say it normally. "The wind was dancing in circles, touching my skin..."

"It was raining mirrors." Ow? I'd use something different there. (Back after reading the end.) Okay, so it was actualy raining mirrors? I don't get it...

"Her dark hair wisped to the summer breeze,..." would sound better as, "Her hair caught in wisps on the summer breeze,..." I don't think wisped is a very good verb if it even is one at all.

"...her eyes lined with mascara." Usually eyes are "lined" with eyeliner. Mascara is the stuff on your eyelashes to make them longer/darker. Just make-up nit-pickies.

"Water trailed down in rivulets,..." Trailed down where?

"A fan whirred, melding with the patter of rain, drowning out its slowly fading melody." I think 'its' works better than 'the' for this. That way we know that the fan is drowning out the rain and not something else. It helps the transition to be more understandable.

"My imaginary rod was grasped firmly in my hands, but I knew that it was fate that determined what happened in summer." You switched tenses. And you need it to be "surged" later in that paragraph. And again with "leaves," the last word, should be "left" just for consistency.

Mmkay. I'm confused. Probably the vauge part. You go from being on a beach... to in bed sleeping, to opening doors somewhere, then white-tiled walls. It might be a dream sequence where you're reliving these memories? I don't really know. Maybe make that more apparent somehow. Just make it to what you think would be overly obvious, because then most people will get it. Most people. Good luck on your grade!

~Yoyo

Hello, Andy!

As always, nitpicks first...

I crossed my arms to conceal my breasts, soothing myself in the comfort of its embrace.

Whats embrace? This doesn't make sense. Maybe "their embrace," meaning the arms? or maybe just "the embrace."

On some nights, I pondered if I would be awake in the morning, or whether the waves would be big or small when they surge for the beach.

*surged.

I just want to be able to sit next to her before she leaves.

*wanted. Tsk, Tsk.

I closed my eyes once more, waiting for the return of Sleep, for his waves to carry me across the river and into nothingness.

This reminds me of dieing... you know how the Egyptians thought that you would be taken across a river when you die? Anyway, intentional or not it's a nice touch.

In this sleeping darkness, I struggled to stay awake; their silent snores like the spectral orchestra of a thousand harps.

Who's they?

"I'm sorry Bell. I should had given you something and instead-I-I haven't. I should've."

"have," yes?
----------------

Overall, I was confused by this. The transitions were rather choppy and befuddling and the plot-line was a bit self-indulgently emotional for my taste. In the beginning, it's a dream--right? He's dreaming that he's the Siren? Some say it's cliché to start with a dream... I don't really think so, but others do. Also, you might want to put it in italics? I don't want you to clarify it so much that it becomes blatant (I love to wonder about what I'm reading), but a little more definition would be very nice.

The dialogue bothered me. I know you probably don't want to change it because of your word count, but does anyone really say something like "But if you do sleep, then Ordain shall cease your breathing, your life."? His speech wasn't bad, but hers was like poetry. I don't have anything against poetry, but in dialogue it's a bit much.

Also, I think you could expand on the mirror/rain theme, especially because the whole piece is named after it. ^_~ Maybe you can take some words out of the dialogue and donate them instead to doing that? There are also some other places you can extract some words. A word or two here and there can actually help a lot.

When I copied and pasted it into MS Word, my word count said you have 521 words. If you need help taking out a few, you can PM me and I'll help to the best of my ability... also, if you have any comments/questions about my crit feel free to send me a PM.

I hope this helps somewhat!
~Azila~

Thanks for the critiques guys. I've edited the piece throughly and I believe that it is much more clearer and conscise than the 2nd draft. I hope you'll enjoy it.

P.S: This is a piece that is based on the theme of "Memories are Us" where I have to write a 400-500 piece where something triggers a memory or a past event. (the 400-500 word limit is only a guideline).

Hey. I wasn't sure how I felt about this piece. No offense or anything, but I found myself bored. I didn't really understand the whole "mirrors" thing.

You have some interesting descriptions, however, and that's always a plus. But I felt like there was little point to it, and that it was, in some parts, rushed, and in other parts, dragged. Also, that "Bell" person just appeared out of nowhere. Perhaps your MC should hear a sound or something.

Also, thoughts should be in Italics.

Sorry I'm not very helpful. Hopefully you get something out of this.

Hi, Andy! I'm back.

-Nitpicks-

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world that was beneath the clouds.

Either you should delete the bold part, or you should change it to something more significant, like "that sprawled" or "that hunkered" or whatever, which would also give us an idea of what kind of sentiment the narrator has towards the world.

As I waited, I could hear them pattering the shelter of the bus stop, drains gurgling as flood water streamed into the drains.

Repetition of "drains." Maybe try just deleting the first one? It would change the meaning slightly, but I think it would be better for it.

Since I was wearing sandals, dust on the pathway crept into her toenails and covered my feet, making them rough and dry.

Her? I think you mean "my." ^_~ Also, maybe you should say "crept under my toenails?" It just seems weird to say "into my toenails..." to me, anyway.

I tossed a pebble into the lake.

Lake? What lake? I thought you said it was the sea!

I grasped the imaginary rod firmly in my hands, but I knew that it was fate that determined what happened in summer.

What imaginary rod?

I felt her the moment she entered, a sudden wind that danced in circles and touched me with its cold tendrils.

"entered" seems like an odd word choice, to me. It implies going into a room or building... not walking on a dock.

“Even I had no real understanding on what I did.”

Do you mean to say "of?"

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world that was beneath the clouds. Here in winter, rain had fell often, though not as heavily as this.

I assume the repetition of this from the beginning is intentional, but I don't like it all the same.
------------------

-Overall-

I am still rather confused by this. I think that the first paragraph and the last bit (about the bus) are both one time period, and the rest is a flashback... but I'm not sure. You could clear this up with: 1) changing tenses so that the first and last part are in present and the rest is in past, 2) using italics for the flashback(s) or 3) all of the above.

Parts of it are clearer than the other draft, but you should still work on it a bit.

I copied and pasted into MS word again, and this time it says you have 660 words! Again, if you need help with that feel free to PM me.

The dialogue is MUCH better! Seriously, I'm glad you fixed that--it's such a relief.

I hope this helps! PM me if you need anything.
~Azila~

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world that was beneath the clouds.

Here you have excess words. That, and was. They don't really add anything to the sentence, and while they do make sense, I understand that you're going for a shorter peice, so you can take those out.

Here in winter, rain [s]had[/s] fell often, though not as heavily as this.

Here, again.

Just looking at the downpour [s]had only[/s] reminded me of the night when my life too, had fallen and cracked.

I like where you're going with this, realting the rain/mirrors to the characters story. It's a good way to introduce the flashback.

Behind the sizzling grills, families and teenagers [s]had [/s]gathered, tongs flipping the patties over and the clatter of forks and knives meeting plates.

The italisized portion doesn't make sense. You can either scratch it, or change the wording, your choice.

I thought to myself as I [s]was walking my way[/s] walked through the prairie.

Again, you're using too many words to describe a simple thing. It's cluttering your work.

Since I was wearing sandals, dust on the pathway crept into her toenails and covered my feet, making them rough and dry.

Don't forget what person you're writing in.

With fascination, I watched; rings of waves [s]that[/s] spread outward and distorted my wavering reflection.

“Bell, I guess the only thing you ever cared about is being the lead guitarist in the school band. I’m sorry that I’m so insignificant, Siren.”

To me, this just seems petty and childish. You have an elegant peice before this, but here is where childness comes in. In wanting to be the focus of everybodys energy and attention. There are other ways to not accept an apology. Second, before you say Bell, then change to Siren at the end. What is the signifigance of this? What is Siren?
____________________________________________
Overall, I think you did a much better job making the story clear, and well, actually telling a story. Aside from cluttered sentences, and a few small other things, I like it. =D

If you need any additional help, feel free to send me a PM and I'll get back to you ASAP.

Keep up the good work!
-JC

I loved the beginning. It was extremely vivid and quite beautiful. But I found the end slightly disappointing and irrelevant to what I understood was happening before.

Perhaps edit some of the dialogue and make what is happening a little more clear.

I found all of it hazily mysterious, and for me thats a plus. ^_^

I'm going to look at this as a teacher would, or at least, I'll try to. lol, I don't how I'll succeed.

They were tiny mirrors that fell, cracked, and splashed the world beneath the clouds. Here again, rain fell often, though not as heavily as this.

Nice start, introducing the extended metaphor straight off shouldn't confuse the reader, which I know if I did one, it would! the continuation of it is simple, elegant, and easy to follow, while still carrying through fluently. the only thing with the second sentance is, I'm not sure if it makes perfect sense, or at least not on the first reading, and that's what needs to happen. the second time you've had this sentance/phrase

Here in winter, rain had fell(should be fallen) often, though not as heavily as this.

apart from the grammar mistake, you've made it easier to understand, and this is probably diliberate, and if it is, then it's very good, but I shouldn't have to read it two or three times to get it.

Just looking at the downpour reminded me of the night when my life too had fallen and cracked.

I like this, it's very simple, but effective, another example of the elegant flow of the metaphor.

The middle part has already been tweaked by the others, and I agree with them, and I think you've done a good job of changing things around, but I'm looking at all the critiques, and I'm wondering what happened to some of the things you had originally, the bathing in the sea thing sounded interesting, and some of the other things too. but I realise that you have a word constraint, which we've already talked about, so I'm sure it was all in the name of good writing. I hope.

and distorted my wavering reflection.

I wished that I could reach into the darkness and fish out the shattered reflections that were before me.

Whenever I looked at the one in my bedroom, I feared that it too would crack one day…under my fear.

Again more excellent examples of the metaphor continuing. I don't think you have anything to worry about on that front, this is really very good!

Waverly. I'm wodering if the name was intentionally supposed to relate back to the sea and what you've been talking about, or not. If it is well done, if it isn't, then this was really, randomly, coincidentally good! Don't change it whatever you do!

“Last stage,” I said, before the doors closed behind me.

This is a really nice touch to finish off with.

I really don't think there's much to change from this draft, except the things I've already mentioned. the bus thing works, the meeting on the beach works, although, maybe not the random BBQ area, i'm not sure you should keep that there, it's almost too real, if you know what I mean. the feeling of this whole piece is surreal, I don't want it interrupted by a random BBQ area, as it portrays a sense of almost happiness, remember BBQ's are associated with parties and family get togethers etc. don't say BBQ, try cafe, or restaurant, BBQ doesn't fit somehow.

Now that I've had a good rant about the BBQ aream everything else seems pretty good. there night be some more things that i didn't pick up on, that you might think needs changing, go ahead and make those changes, and PM me when you do, I want to see how it goes! Good Luck! I hope you get excellence!

Hey Andy! Your description in this piece is beautiful, especially that of setting. I think the only suggestion I have for you is the one about tense. Here's the sentences in the first part that need editing for them to be propper present tense and if you want me to help you convert the ending, just let me know -

Here when it rains, it [s]lasted[/s] lasts for days, though usually not as heavily as this.

As I [s]waited[/s] wait, I can hear them patter the shelter of the bus stop and smash[s]ing[/s] into their jagged deaths. Slowly, I [s]drew[/s] draw the hood of my coat up and lower my head

_____________________

Then there's a line where I'd suggest a word change:

An eerie creak was relinquished as I treaded [I'm thinking maybe either stepped or trod?] on its uneven surface and perched myself over the rippling waters.

_____________________

And other than that, ym critiques are few. You have a beautiful, fluid style of writing and I love your description.

Heather xx