Courage's Courageous Adventure (edited)

Rated PG for mild violence

Chapter One: Stolen!
My brown mane rippled in the wind as my hooves pounded on the soft earth.
The weight of my 14-year-old master, Jenny, sat reassuringly on my back as her brown eyes sparkled with delight.

They say the Greeks saw a man astride a horse and perceived them as one creature. Perhaps the reason for this perception was that the man and the horse were so attuned to each other, they seemed to be one. Well that was what Jenny and I were. One creature, spirits lifted, hearts free, minds racing.

Though she was riding me bareback, I understood every movement she made, prodding me faster, slower, to the left, to the right. We were riding to our homemade obstacle course, our favorite riding site. My spirits lifted even higher as we drew closer.

We began riding up the last hill, and right before we crested it, I felt Jenny tense, and felt her urging me to stop. I stoped almost immediately, nearly throwing her off. She was a good rider, though, and stayed put.

"Shhhhhhh," she whispered urgently as she lightly jumped off. My ears swiveled forward and I heard the sound of several horses beyond the ridge. I also smelt several humans. Jenny was kneeling down, examining the ground. I looked at the earth curiously, and noticed many horse footprints leading up the ridge.

This is private property! No one should be on these grounds! I thought. Suddenly, a shrill whistle pierced the air. Jenny jumped and I reared up backwards. Jenny leaped up on my back and turned me around.


"Run, Courage!" she cried. I began galloping as fast as I could, fueled by adrenaline, as eight men garbed in black, astride black horses crested the ridge. I was already tired from my long run, though, and the black horses were fresh.

They were gaining on us quickly. I was very confused at the time, but now I realize they were horse theives. I felt Jenny shaking with fear, and my legs were quivering with exhaustion.


I won't let you down Jenny, I thought desperately. I put on a fresh burst of speed. For a moment it looked as if we might outrun them, but then, I heard the crack of a whip and felt it slash through my foreleg. I cried out in pain and began to slow down. The whip slashed through my back again, and I stopped altogether. The whip knifed through my back several times, and when they stopped, I was lying on the ground, barely conscious.

I looked over and saw Jenny sitting on the ground. She had tried to save me while they were whipping me, but had been thrown off. She helplessly watched as the men began tying me up. Pain filled her eyes as she looked at me, and I nickered softly.

The men looped the rope around the saddle horn and began dragging me toward the far off road. I screamed in pain, and took one, last look at Jenny.

I won't let you down, Jenny, I thought as a fierce determination rose within me. I won't let you down.

Good job! But you need to seperate the paragraphs by pressing enter twice after every paragraph. (That way it's not a huge block of writing and you'll get more people to crit your story) Just press "Edit" at the top of your post and fix that.

I liked your descriptions, but you could change a few things, such as this part:

My brown mane rippled in the wind as my hoofs pounded on the soft earth.

The weight of my 14-year-old master, Jenny, sat reassuringly on my back as her brown hair flapped in the wind.

It seems repetitive to say that your hair flapped around and then to say that your master's did. It would be much, much better if you said "her brown hair flapped in the wind like mine" or " flapped in the wind also" or something like that to make the connection to the similarity.

as my hoofs pounded on the soft earth.

I think it's hooves

They say that when the Greeks saw a man astride a horse they perceived them as one creature.

Well that is what Jenny and I were

You have your tenses mixed up not only at this part but many other parts, read it over and try to fix the tenses to either past or present tense. instead of "is" make it "was" or instead of "were" make it "are".

I looked over and saw Jenny sitting on the ground, helplessly watching as the men began tying me up. She had tried to save me while they were whipping me, but had been thrown off.

It would flow more easily if you switched the sentences around, kind of like this:

"I looked over and saw Jenny sitting on the ground, she had tried to save me while they were whipping me, but had been thrown off. She watched helplessly as the men began tying me up."

(That way the sentence seems to go in a better order)


Overall great job! Just try to fix those little things I mentioned and you'll be good.

Very good! This piece has lots of natural current and flow to it, which is often hard to achieve.
There were a few parts that could perhaps be improved. At one point you say that the men in black on black horses were horse thieves. I wonder - how would you know that they were horse thieves? Couldn't they be assassins? Try to think up a reason or two for why the horse knows that they are horse thieves, or perhaps wait until later to say that they are.
Also, right here...
"Run Courage!!!"
Two exclamation marks is plenty. Any more makes it a bit cheap. And you might try putting a comma between 'Run' and 'Courage'. That is a debatable point, but I would put one there.
I can't think of anything else negative that hasn't already been addressed - IN all, this is a really good section, especially for a beginning chapter.

My sister really likes horses, but this is exciting even for me. I like the perspective from the horse, I can tell you understand animals well. I disagree with her, I always put three exclamation points, because it makes it emphatic. (!!!) I am not good at critiquing yet but this is really good.

I really like the personification of the horse here. Quickly, you establish the horse's views and knowledge, which is great for the piece. The horse's naivety could lead to a very interesting read. As you write though, I think it's good (as it is for all new writers) to sit with a thesaurus, just to change up the language a bit. The style is great already, so some spiced up language could only help improve the piece. Good, solid start!