I say I hate you,

When I say I hate you,
I'm acting big and tough.
Inside my feelings are alive,
Jumbled up with stuff.

Your emotion is biting me to pieces,
the words you say are so bland.
Inside me I need you,
I need to re-group for my new plan.

If I'm too skinny for you, get over it.
If I'm too chubby for you, get a brain.
Once again you find another girl,
and leave me without an umbrella in the rain.

My clothes are soaked with unhappiness,
my salty tears blend in with my face.
The wetness goes into my core.
I see you, walking towards my house.
Standing in the doorway, you look like a mouse.
As I sprent your way, but you slam the door in my face.

Your smirky expression adores me,
Your sneaky ways are my life.
But Baby Boy why can't you see,
I want to be your wife.

So when I say I hate you,
Know that that's not right,
I know you sole is a black hole, dark and ugly.
So it's not the same, as pure and lovely.
I've figured out that I'm not that girl anymore.
You're still the one I adore.
You have got to-got to-got to realize,
I need you in my life.

Not bad... but not great either.
Judging from your title, I was expecting something bigger.
I didn't get that.
I was dissapointed at the length and style of the poem.
it seemed very novice-ish.
You could have done SO much more wih this bautiful, amazing title and idea.

Jeez. I could write you some lines.

the rhyme I HATED absolutely the most was:
"I’m not desperate, I’m not sad..,
More than anything I am mad. "
It felt soooooooooooo forced.
Never and I mean EVER let the rhyming get in the way of creativity.
I say that this poem needs desperate rewriting.
But your ideas seem to be fairly good.
You just need time to grow as a writer.

I totally agree. The concept is great, but if you can NEVER let rhyming get in the way. people ALWAYS will know what's forced and what's not....ya feel?

Writing for love is a pas wrote:I say I hate you, but that’s not right..
I know I need you in my life.
I’m not desperate, I’m not sad..,
More than anything I am mad.
You will always pick her instead of me,
Even though my love was free.
Now it comes with a price,
But are you worth it, are you nice?
Is your soul pure and lovely,
Or is it a black hole, dark and UGLY?

More than anything, I am mad.

Other than the missing comma, it's really good. I liked how you described hard feelings for this piece. I don't really like the capped "ugly" at the end. I like the rythem used in it. Very well done. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

Thanks for the tough advice. I fixed the poem up a little, And I think I like it better now.

Hey! Nice poem. i thought it was really harsh but heartfelt. Keep writing!

i like it i can almost feel the emotions rolling through my head. of sadness anger dissapointment and happiness.

I liked it very much because it gave me an image that popped up in my head^_^.
-dances-

I love the title.

I expected more though because of what I read.

The whole idea of the poem was great and overall the poem itself too.

Of course everyone has their own opinion on certain works so if you get a harsh critic and such don't feel bad. (I read your recent blog.)

Keep writing.

Yes, I agree, poems don't have to rhyme and when you try and make them rhyme, it just sounds very forced.

Also the last line "Happy." I didn't get it.

Also:

I turn around to walk home,



As my mind wanders and roams,



Because on that fateful afternoon,



I hope I don't see anyone soon.

Doesn't very much make sense. It looks more like you are just trying to find words that rhyme. It doesn't go along with the poem.

I liked this though. It was good!

I don't mean any harm, Lex

Just trying to get some pints so I can post a story.

Mwahahaha!

-Ailam

It kind of seems like you added extra words that you didn't need just to make the poem rhyme. Don't let rhyming get in the way of your writing. This poem seems like someone in the younger crowd wrote it, though. The vocabulary is kind of second grader-ish. "Nice" "sad" "mad". If you're going to make a rhyming poem, then you should honestly put more effort into not forcing rhymes and using better vocabulary for the rhyming. No one is impressed by a poem that can rhyme words that even pre-schoolers know, besides the VERY young crowd. But even then, would they understand the concept of this poem? I highly doubt it, the very young crowd (4-8) aren't really interested in the opposite sex and relationships. One think that I did like was the mood of the poem, though.

Good concept, the rhyme and structure seems very forced. I'd try a poem without worrying about rhyme/structure and just let the creative juices flow.
It seems that you've got a very good concept, just the reading of the poem seemed a little amateurish and like it was dominated by the rhyme as opposed the ideas you use in it.

Because on that fateful afternoon,

I hope I don't see anyone soon.

The tenses are a bit awry as well here, maybe scrap the second line and use a rhyme like 'moon', 'june' or 'balloon' (as in, 'My heart shaped balloon'/ ' floated into the sky/ its path changed, irregluar, awry.'
Hope these help
Keep writing!

I agree with the others. A lot of the rhymes did sound forced. I felt it was not really original at certain parts, and that the rhymes were vey cliché lines. I felt like you could have worked with the title you had, but it was a good attempt. You need to avoid words like “Nice” “Mad” “Sad”. Avoid words that are used very often in things. Try to find some describing words. I did enjoy the line

“Can you see me walking by? Can't you see my love makes me blind?”
I would change it to “Can’t you see love makes me blind?” Instead of “Can’t you see my love makes me blind” because I felt like you didn’t need to use the “My”, but that’s my opinion. I really liked that line though.

Good work.

That was a great idea. It could be lyrically a little better I have to agree with who said it could be better. But it was a good draft of a good poem. I love the idea, I was even about to write something just like that. This guy at school just bugs the hell out of me, its like the feeling of the poem, but now for some reason the love turned to hate and I just don't want to feel anymore. So that's why I admire your poem, because it gets across something that I, the reader also feel. But like that one person said it isn't great, but it's not bad either. This poem could be improved if you rewrote it again, because sometimes when you are writing something over you get a new ides for the poem. But then again it could turn into a whole other poem, like mine always do when I rewrite things.

Yeah, I have to agree with the others here.

The problem with the rhyme scheme, as those above have pointed out, is that it's too forced. As a consequence, it turns what could have been a great piece of 'showing' writing into passive, 'telling' writing - which of course is exactly what you want to avoid. Your efforts to make the piece fit to the rhyme pattern unfortunately meant that you destroyed all hope of conjuring wonderful images in the reader's mind of your feelings.
If you find that fitting the poem into such a pattern is too restrictive and gets in the way of your expression, stick to blank verse.

Your use of rhetorical questions conveyed the speaker's agitated mental state quite well; you also had some really fresh images, such as:

"Is your soul pure and lovely,/Or is it a black hole, dark and ugly?"

Great, but sadly this kind of writing was few and far between. You used too many weak, bland turns of phrase: "...are you nice?" Even worse, you resorted to 'was/were' expressions, spoonfeeding us your meaning:

"...my love was free."

This is blatant telling. SHOW us your thoughts instead! Try:

"You chased after her, not me,
Even after I tempted you for free."

While this doesn't convey what you originally wanted to say, picking an active verb ("tempted") rather than a stative verb ("was") opens up the meaning and frees you up; it allows you to experiment with fresher, more innovative ways of captivating your audience. And that's what we as writers strive to do all the time.

Go for it!

Gahks

(As this stands, 3/10. With my advice in mind, I'm sure you can easily get this to a 7!)

The emotion was great, but the way you constructed it wasn't great. Just work on weaving stanzas together and you'll be great.