Pax de Luc

I sit in the dark, in the suffocating gloom.
Wishing for the warming heat of the sun.
Without it, the flower of my despair will begin to bloom.,
And the darkness will have won.

I crave the light, the glowing orb
that shines anew each morn.
I want the sunlight, to have and to hoard,
The gift of light reborn.



I'm still working on it, so please don't judge it to harshly

Your title is curious. Pax de Luc? What language is that? "La Pax" is barbarians in French, but then that makes no sense? haha.

I sit in the dark, in the suffocating gloom.
Wishing for the warming heat of the sun.
Without it, the flower of my despair will begin to bloom.,
And the darkness will have won.

"Dark", "gloom", "warming heat", "despair", "darkness" -- All these words are bland, or at least, plain words. Word choice is incredebly important when writing a poem [See: Right Word, Right Time by Cade] and it can have a big effect on your reader. The one that really got me was "warming heat". It's redundant. True, heat could be warming, or scalding, but either way, it's warming you up. Heat is, by definition, hot. You don't need to say it is warming. Try to find a more unique way to explain the heat. Also, "dark" and "darkness" are pretty much the same thing--what else can you say?

The second line isn't a sentence, but the first line ended with a period, and so did the second one. Your third line ends in a comma and a period [typo?] so I'm not sure what you meant.

I crave the light, the glowing orb
that shines anew each morn.
I want the sunlight, to have and to hoard,
The gift of light reborn.

"I want the sunlight, to have and to hoard, the gift of light reborn." I like this, but it also confuses me. How is sunlight... light reborn? I'm kind of lost on what you are trying to say.

I think if you used more unique words, and added more imagery for the senses [touch, taste, smell, sound, and lastly sight] this poem would be more interesting. As it is, it isn't terrible, it just doesn't have a lot of punch to it. How do you want your reader to feel after they've read it? More importantly, don't just say something. Say it beautifully, and as best as you possibly can.

I hope that helped! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Thanks for the critic. For anyone who is curious about the title, it's rough latin for "peace of the light".

Hmm, interesting title. Not too bad, but this part.

And the darkness will have won.

just doesn't really go well with it. maybe its the word 'won'. I don't know.

Its probably just me. other wise nice job ^_^