Creep

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[1:1]
“Who’s that guy?”

“What, you think I know? He ain’t from around here, that’s for sure.”

All eyes were on the shiny, black Cadillac that had stopped at the gas station. The entire car had not a spot of dirt or grime on it, and there was no sign of wear on it at all. A car fresh out of the parking lot that it had been purchased. A leather interior that had hardly had any visitors that sat down on the cushioned seats. The driver sat in car, unmoving for a moment. His dark-blue eyes were centered on the store in front of him. The gaze he sent towards the building was so scathing, it could’ve dropped bodies left and right. It was almost as if he was using x-ray vision, peering into the heart of the store, and the town.

And indeed, this was the heart of the town. Several shops, apart from the gas station. A CVS, a liquor store, and a small eatery. The gas station was far right, at the edge of the shopping center. It came with a small restaurant of its own; where all the regular mechanics and gentlemen would visit regularly through the week.

This man in the Cadillac was no regular. When he got out of the car, his face was sun-burnt, and the skin around his nose was peeling. His eyes were bloodshot. His hair was dark and greasy, as if he hadn’t showered in days. He wore a dark, Stetson coat and dirty jeans. The stubble on his face was almost three days’ worth of growth.

He might’ve blended in as a regular, were it not for the Cadillac. But that set him apart, and in the end, that was the catalyst for the town regulars to keep their distance. Out of mild curiosity, a few of them watched as he came into the gas station, setting the bell on the door as he entered ting-a-lingin’ and approached the cash register. The girl manning the register, a pretty young thing, no doubt the daughter of one of the regulars, smiled politely and asked him how she could help him.

“Yeah, I’m wondering if you happen to know a Bryan Baker.” The newcomer’s voice was soft; but the underlining of the tone was cold as ice.

Everyone glanced around. Bryan Baker, the mechanic? What could a newcomer want with Baker?

The girl answered. “He’s not here. He went on a fishing trip to Mississippi.”

The newcomer shrugged this answer off easily. “Hm.” He glanced at a few of the regulars, sitting at the restaurant at the end of the store, either smoking, eating, or drinking. No one smiled.

“Do you know when he will be back?” the newcomer asked the girl.

She shook her head. “He just left two days ago. He usually takes a week or two off.”

“Thank you then.” Just like that, the man was leaving, the bell set off as he left the station. Everyone watched as he started the Cadillac and was off, leaving the town behind.

It might have been a wise move had someone taken better notice of the man and his motives. But none of the regulars cared. Let Baker deal with it when he got back. That was the decision everyone conformed to.

And just like that, the town would put the newcomer out of mind, not realizing that they had just witnessed earthly evidence of the Supernatural. Life and Death. Flesh and Spirit combined. But it would occur to them later, recalling him, when Baker would return, and so would the newcomer, seeking Baker.
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Hey.

This was pretty well-written. I liked it. My favorite part was your description of the stranger. You've begun your plot well, and I also liked your hook. There were a couple things that I felt needed adjustments, but you've got punctuation and grammar down. These are really just opinions, since your story remains great without or without these changes.

The newcomer shrugged this answer off easily. “Hm.”

For some reason, I didn't like this line. He doesn't seem like the type of man to "shrug something off". He seems like a guy who'll take everything, evaluate, think. You know?


Just like that, the man was leaving, the bell set off as he left the station.

I felt that the "Just like that" took away from your flow. I don't know why. Perhaps you should just cut it and say: The man left, and the bell set off as he exited the station.

But all in all, I thought it was great. You have a good mystery tone in this. Waiting to see more.




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Points 42011
Reviews 922
Oooh, very nice. *hooked*

I liked this a great deal. You had plenty of description, but you still were able to blend it in so well and keep the story moving. The stark differences between the Cadillac and the man, and the subtle descriptions of the town. Very nice.

I feel bad. This review seems pretty much useless. But hey, praise is always good, yes?

I look forward to reading more. PM when you update, please!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Oooh, very nice. *hooked*

I liked this a great deal. You had plenty of description, but you still were able to blend it in so well and keep the story moving. The stark differences between the Cadillac and the man, and the subtle descriptions of the town. Very nice.

I feel bad. This review seems pretty much useless. But hey, praise is always good, yes?

I look forward to reading more. PM when you update, please!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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It was good. well written, good description, nice flow, at the end, it has a nice ... finality... to it. four stars.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive




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i like this. not too fluffy with description and uselessness, but intriguing enough to keep the reader engaged. definitely leaves you wanting more.




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You have a beautiful writing style. It's descriptive and poetic, it made me want to read it. Well done.
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My tongue must tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break...
— Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew