The Darkness Within, part 2 of chapter one

- yea this is empty

Hey there...

I didn't realize that this was part II of something and was confused as to why it felt like the continuation of something. I would edit the title and put '2' at the end of it or something, to make it clear to a new reader that there is something else that comes before this...

Be back when I read the first part, I will!

~GryphonFledgling

Okay, I'm back.

Jess and Jason seem to get really close really fast. I mean, I'm a little shy, but I still wouldn't throw my arms around a guy that I only just met, after all he did was feed me and tell me a story, and I wouldn't let him touch my face. Honestly, a handshake would about do it for me. And even in the first part, when she shoves him playfully, that seems to be really familiar behavior for only having just met each other.

*ogles* Jason is major strong man. Does he work out? What does he do in his spare time? Is this just how he go after having climbed up in the tree so many times? Is there something more to him?

Hmm, the issue of money arises in this chapter again. You say that Jason dresses stylishly. Where did he get the money to buy these clothes? How does he maintain his little house? What did he build it with? Did he have to buy the materials? How did he afford them?

In the very sentence, you describe Jason's story as "captivating." Don't tell the audience what it is supposed to be. Tell us that Jess is hooked, but don't throw the word 'captivating' at us. Show us how Jess wants to hear more.

ex. "Jason paused to clear his throat and I waited impatiently for him to continue. I wanted to know more about this strange boy."

Or you could skip that action entirely and just continue with the story.