Some other time honey (April Fools!)

As I leaned in to kiss
Her voluptuous lips,
Which were as red as
Lobsters, having been
Plucked from the Maine water
And into the boiling water
Which bubbled and frothed madly
As if in a witches brew
Smoking under a shrouded moon
As cloaked figures danced around
And added an eye of newt
Which stared as it plopped merrily into the stew
Like Wile E. Coyote falling thousands of feet
Onto the dusty floor of the canyon
After trying to blow up Roadrunner
With a stick of TNT
That exploded in his face
Like one of those cans of nuts
Which actually has a spring in it
And when you open it, it spits out a snake,
Or a Chinese dragon,
Cavorting and frolicking in February
Because that’s when Chinese New Year happens
When they usher in the year of the Earth Rat
Which looks like a regular rat,
Albeit it just likes to burrow I guess,
But I digress.

It was just as I leaned in to kiss her lips
When I noticed in my peripheral vision,
Ninjas, leaping down from the ceiling
And closing in
To attack




***

NOTE: Not sure what to say to all the critiques here. I think people here take themselves waaaay to seriously.

Happy April Fools Day!

Firstly, grammar.

That entire first stanza is one sentence, and the second doesn't even have a full stop. Also, it only needs a capital letter if it is at the start of a new sentence.

Which were as red as
Lobsters,

I would merge these into one. Also, the 'which' is annoying me.

As I leaned in to kiss

I looked through the entire poem.

You didn't explain that. As you leaned into to kiss here what happened? I would take off the 'as'.

It was just as I leaned in to kiss her lips
That I noticed in my peripheral vision,
Ninjas, leaping down from the ceiling
And closing in
To attack

This is just random. Funny, but it doesn't really give that 'all powerful' effect. Something romantic should be here, it is just so unfitting.

OK, I didn't really enjoy that... I just couldn't work out the theme.

Keep writing though!

~Mark

I agree with Aedomir.

This wasn't very good at all. It was meant as an April Fool's joke, no? Well... I thought it wasn't very funny at all. In fact... it just wasn't really... anything.

It's all random crap. There is almost no point in reading the whole poem. When you get to the end you're like, "Whaa? Ninja's popped out?" Then you think about, "Was it even worth reading?"

No. No, it wasn't.

I don't know how you are going to make this better. I would just ditch it...?

:Sythe:

If this is satire it's not really good. Not even that effective, the imagery is crude and barely fits the whole idea. The whole idea is unrelatable you give us some imagery which on it's own stands a chance, but romantic or even comedic. That doesn't happen. Another reason this falls flat is you overload us with imagery, worse none of it fits together. Think of it like a jigsaw, that you're trying to peice together but it's not possible.

Overall: As a romantic peice it fails, as satirical it fails. The imagery is impressive but to relate to the piece it doesn't happen.

Good luck
VSN

Hey Smor--

Oy, I have to admit that the first few lines made me quirk an eyebrow, so to speak. What bloody heck sort of moment. Ha, but from an impish perspective, it was hilarious.

Mostly, the digression--as it went on longer.

To be slightly serious, I think there might be a more pointed punchline you could slot in at the end. But I haven't an immediate or helpful suggestion there.

( I would tidy the first stanza. Wile Coyote being "Wile. E. Coyote" I think...and etcetera. Small things. ^_^)


Thanks very much for the impishness.





IMP