Young Writers Society

When did it happen?

How did it happen?

And why didn’t anyone warn me?

Had it happened during those friendly first hellos, the science project as lab partners, winning those soccer games together in P.E, constantly asking me for a pencil? No.

You were still you back then.

Had it happened during those innocent jokes in Algebra, poking my back incessively with your pen to get me to turn around, saying completely random words that made no sense at all just because I there, stumbling over words when I came by to say hello? No.

You were still you back then.

Had it happened during after school tutoring sessions, suddenly ignoring me for the next few days, avoiding my being like the plague, waving goodbye when I say hello, sneaking glimpses of me during Humanities, that depressed look I saw, finally saying hello when I turned to leave with much frustration? No.

I was still myself back then.

It had happened during those funny notes in fourth period, tapping shoes everytime we weren’t listening to what the other was ranting about, constant high fives everytime we won a soccer game in P.E, when I couldn’t get that smile off my face no matter how hard I tried, that horrible week-long break wasted by missing...Yes.

It had happened then.

It continued when everyone came back to school, during the sweet glances back and forth, silent giggles in the eyes, hidden messages in the smiles, a new realization, a new compromise, a new revalation. Yes.

When did it happen?

How did it happen?

And why didn’t ANYONE warn me?!

Besides a few grammar related errors, it was good. I enjoyed reading this small segment and I say, "Keep it up."

You sort of messed it up a little in that last sentence, with the caps, I dunno, it just bothers me.

But it seems nice. OK. I rather liked it. Good job.

Very nice. I didn't like the instance of caps in the last sentence, however. Perhaps italics would be a better choice. It just looks a bit better, and still does a masterful job of being emphatic.

In any case, I really liked this. It was nice the way you pointed out things that made them friends, and then the things that maybe made them a little bit more than that. Very, very nice.

Welcome to YWS!

EDIT: I just realized that this was in narrative poetry, when it's not really written in poetry form. It seems to me that it would be better to put it in "Romantic Fiction." PM a moderator (users with their names in green) to have them move it for you so you get more readers of the intended meaning.

~GryphonFledgling

Good stuff

Love it.

You may have meant

vivalablond wrote: just because I was there

instead of

just because I there

.

And yeh the caps don't work very well. Italics may look more effective

____ And why didn’t anyone warn me?! _____

But otherwise I think its beautifully written.
I especially liked

waving goodbye when I say hello

and

finally saying hello when I turned to leave with much frustration

Good work. thumbs up
XD

Ok the caps in the end really bugged me. As Gryphon suggested, put them in italics instead.
You were taking this whole piece with a wonderful rhythm and flow but in the end the Italics kind of really disturbed the whole thing.

Love the description, and the way you showed us how they act as friends.
I could really relate to this.


I loved this part:

*"It had happened during those funny notes in fourth period, tapping shoes everytime we weren’t listening to what the other was ranting about, constant high fives everytime we won a soccer game in P.E, when I couldn’t get that smile off my face no matter how hard I tried, that horrible week-long break wasted by missing...Yes."*

Believe it or not, 'everytime' is not a word.

Another spelling mistake:

*"It continued when everyone came back to school, during the sweet glances back and forth, silent giggles in the eyes, hidden messages in the smiles, a new realization, a new compromise, a new revalation. Yes. "*

I think it's revelation, not revalation.

Great ...poem?? Well whatever it is, good job!
See if you can get Moderator to move this to 'Romantic Fiction'.

Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits.As I see you got two crits. Good job!. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.

Bye.


-Rick.

I don't like how this is written. Seems like a short story. Try to fix the way it's written and add some rhythm. Also, in the last line, don't cap "anyone" I hope this helps!

-Rick.

Ok so yea..I agree with most everybody else about the caps.Italics would look better.
Other then that there were a few grammer and spelling errors.
It was very well written and I definatly enjoyed it.

Uh, first off, please get rid of the poll. I hate nothing more then a piece of literature, or poetry with a poll before it.

This would work better, I think as a short prose passage, but it doesn't fit, I should think, as poetry. Pick one or the other, and edit it accordingly.

I agree with the caps issue brought up before.

My final analysis is that it is pretty well written, and interesting. I think it might even work as the intro to a short story or novel.

Good luck in your future poetical endevours.

-Pros

A few grammar related errors, but It was defenitly worth my time.

Hi,
I thought there were many grammatical errors and spelling errors.Also it doesn't really seem to fit in as poetry, more as prose or perhaps a short verse story.Oh, and I agree with the others on the caps But I liked your use of questions.Otherwise it was quite nice.

The caps was a bit over doing it. But over all, it was really good, a teen struggling to understand what happened to friend that was close. Hits home you know?

Well, enough about that. It was good, but like it was stated before it's not really poetry, more of a short story.

You might consider tossing the poll. They're kind of annoying in the literture sections. The piece itself I enjoyed, emotional without crossing the line to emo or teen-angst poetry. The lines seemed too long, too much like paragraphs instead of verses. Break them up. Yeah, get rid of the caps in the last sentance. They're a bit tacky-feeling. The rythmn you have, with every other verse being ___ was still ____ back then, was very nice. Over all, 7.6/10