Scrapbook

If I should grow old
will I be just like you?
Piecing families together
with fairytale glue.

Make believe a Daddy
for this storybook of mine,
from photo album pages
that will slowly fade with time.

Maybe I'll take a picture,
a family portrait of my own,
and play happy families,
like we'd never been alone.

And if I ever cry all night
if I think that no-one cares,
and fill my life with drink and smoke,
and stop saying all my prayers,

Then I'll know that I've grown old
and I'll be just like you.
So for now I'll save my money
for my fairytale glue.

Tag,

This was an amazing poem. It really was. I loved the whole metaphore, the whole meaning... the whole shika-bob. Haha.

Dude. You are going to be a famous poet one day if you keep writing like this.

Annnnnyway, on to the crit!

If I grow old
will I be like you?
Piecing families together
with fairy-tale glue

Ok, the last line doesn't match the same rhythm as the others. I would change it to,

"with fairy-tale like glue." or something like that. But it's up to you. You don't have to change anything unless you want to.

for fairy-tale glue

(That's the last line of the poem) I would change it to, "for the fairy-tale glue."

Yeah. Wonderful poem. I really enjoyed it. Keep writing.

-Jared

Hey Tag,

I really liked this poem, not because of the subject matter (which was depressing and seemingly very personal), but because of the unique way you came about it. A couple of things I noticed:

Tag wrote:If I grow old
will I be like you:
Piecing families together
with fairy-tale glue?

The meter in this stanza doesn't fit with the meter in the rest of the poem. Let's take stanza two into consideration:

MAKE beLIEVE a DADdy
for this STOryBOOK of MINE
from PHOto ALbum PAGes
that will SLOWly FADE with TIME.

The all caps is where the beat in the stanza is as I read it. If we go back to stanza one:

If -I- grow OLD
WILL I BE like YOU?
PIECing FAMiLIES toGETHer
with FAIRy-TALE GLUE

There's really no sense of meter in the first stanza. The rest of the poem is similar in meter to stanza two, so I would rework your first stanza to establish your rhythm.

Maybe I'll take a picture -
a family portrait of my own -
and play happy families
like we'd never been alone.

And if I ever cry all night
when I think that no-one cares,
and fill my life with drink and smoke,
and stop saying my prayers -

Then I'll know that I've grown old
and I'll be just like you.
Now I'll save my money
for some fairy-tale glue.

Everything bolded in these last three stanzas are suggestions on punctuation and rewording to make it flow better. I didn't try to reword the first stanza, because I think that, because it's your poem, I shouldn't be the one who is rewriting it.

Hopefully this all helps! Like I said, I really enjoyed this poem.

Keep writing,
kf

Hello Tag!! I'm Brooke and welcome to young writers society! Anyway, I adored this poem. It had a lot of feeling in it. Great Job and keep it up.

Ooo, this is really good.
I mean.. like really, really good.

My only suggestion is:

And if I ever cry all night
because I think that no-one cares,
if I fill my life with drink and smoke,
and stop saying my prayers -

Is to maybe add all, before my, just to make it sound a bit better..

And if I ever cry all night
because I think that no-one cares,
if I fill my life with drink and smoke,
and stop saying all my prayers -

When I was reading it aloud, it was kind of difficult at that part.
But very well done, I enjoyed this immensely.
=]

I really enjoyed reading your poem. Your rhyme scheme was excellent i like how the second and last line of the stanza rhymed it made it flow better.

with fairy-tale glue

In this one line here you don't need a hyphen *sorry if spelled incorrectly* it can just be fairytale.

The rest of the poem looks good. If you need me Pm me.

SimonCowellLuver

Overall I thought it was great. You pulled off the rhyming well. However, I wasn't a fan of the dashes and overall lack of punctuation. It would look better if you simply put in punctuation marks where they'd fit in prose. At the moment my eyes go to the dashes instead of the words. Periods and commas (done correctly) make the piece flow without drawing attention away from the words.

Overall, great job and keep writing!

Aww. I love how you wrapped it up with the fairy-tale glue thing again at the end. The rhyme scheme was flawless and just lovely. I just feel that the line in the fourth stanza would sound better with, "and stop saying all my prayers -" with the way the metering is working. Other than that, this is a lovely poem. Keep writing! And welcome to YWS!

~Yoyo

I think it's a cute poem and has a decent subject, however I agree with the previous users that your rhythm is off, especially at the line

"and stop saying my prayers...."

Best of luck

If you do what the others suggest I think this will be a perfect peom. I like the subject, its interesting. ^_^

Very very very very creatively dobe.
You can feel the anger and resentment really bubbling up towards I think a mother?
On TV you always get this idea of mothers being kinda and calm and conforting but I never had that. SO I can connect to the emotions on this poem. I am sure many other people can too.
I inferred this from the line, "Make believe a Daddy,"
Is this what you were aiming at?
Ryhtm was off a tiny little bit and it doesn't need any major tweaking maybe just minor things.
I was especially surprised by the ending because I felt so much emotion in it and thought it was worded rather beautifully. Every line from this:
"And if I ever cry all night
if I think that no-one cares,
and fill my life with drink and smoke,
and stop saying all my prayers,

Then I'll know that I've grown old
and I'll be just like you.
So for now I'll save my money
for my fairytale glue"

Though I didn't understand this one tiny thing. Are you making a scrapbook or are you resenting the idea of making a scrapbook like your mother?
It nees to be cleared up a little when it comes to that issue.
Other than that VERY well done.
I would give this about a 7.5 ut of 10 and I could see it in a book of teen poetry someday.

Tag wrote:If I should grow old
will I be just like you?
Piecing families together
with fairytale glue

Make believe a Daddy
for this storybook of mine,
from photo album pages
that will slowly fade with time

Maybe I'll take a picture,
a family portrait of my own,
and play happy families,
like we'd never been alone

And if I ever cry all night
if I think that no-one cares,
and fill my life with drink and smoke,
and stop saying all my prayers,

Then I'll know that I've grown old
and I'll be just like you.
So for now I'll save my money
for my fairytale glue

I really liked this. I liked how your rhyming fits in perfectly. Very good work. You need a comma in one line. I'll quote the line for you and insert the comma where it should go. .

So for now, I'll save my money

You need a comma right there. Other than that, it's very good. Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

That's a pretty good poem you got their, but as said before your punctuation and rhyming scheme is a bit off. Still, you definetly capture the emotions of the poem very nicely

You perfectly captured the pain and bitterness of this kind of experience. It helps the reader understand what the speaker’s feeling and thinking. Depressing, but very well done. Made me stop and think.