Warmth, Sleep, Mother

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As with most things I write, this came from almost nowhere, and was written in about five minutes. Give me any suggestions you can!

---
She invites me to her.

Vessel of kindness, life-giver, mother.

I shimmy into the sheets and curl beside her. Her soft hand closes on mine and pulls it round her waist. We lie together. We do not talk. Our love needs no words. We can feel it-- both in the intangible and ancient way a mother and child love one another, and physically, with every degree of warmth we share as it circulates between our bodies.

I slow my breathing, trying to match it with hers, as though to return to the harmony of the womb, the simple, untainted love we had before we became like captains of opposing warships. Us, with our irreconcilable minds. Well meant words spark war between us, and we bruise each other.

But not now. Now we are at peace under our Snuggle Treaty. I breathe her scent in, feeling nostalgia and sleep start to wash over me. I imagine an unremembered infancy, with me snuggled to her chest, my soft, chubby face pillowed perfectly in the curve of her neck. I then see myself in some vague and unimaginable future, looking down at her tucking in the sheets of a hospital bed. I see the pulse in her neck flutter. I hear her strained breathing. Gently, I slide in beside her small frame.

I can still feel her chest rise, slower than ever.

I can still smell her scent hiding under the sterile hospital odor.

I can still feel what’s left of her warmth.

And in those sheets, in that hospital bed, I wish I could hold her up against my chest and let her rest her tired head in the crook of my neck. And in those sheets, curled beside her, I wish I could stretch this moment out into eternity, and lie with her forever.

---

Please feel free to critique as much (and has harshly) as you'd like. I know I have a problem with misplacing and overusing commas.

Much love,

Haley
Last edited by Joeducktape on Mon Mar 31, 2008 1:32 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Haley posted! *boogies*

You have such a yummy style. Can I say this enough? I don't think I can...it's really simple, and yet beautiful at the same time. I do adore it.

I think the main confusion here was that the relationship between the characters wasn't known, so you couldn't really distinguish between erotic vs. platonic love (kind of a huge difference in the meaning of the pieces, depending). You could really go either way with this one, but the third person is going to be neutral, and second person is probably going to emphasize the erotic love part. [Speaking of which--this piece totally reminds me of the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie.]

Depending on what kind of relationship you're going for, I would think it best to pick one or the other unless you have some kind of major transition or split-up between the two. My main critique, though, is to establish--even subtly--the relationship between the two characters so that we know how to feel about it.

Good piece, Haley! Poke me if you want to discuss. ^_^
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Wow this is really beautiful!! When I read 'She invites me to her' I wasn't thinking mother, i was thinking more like bed partner. Lol. But yes later on my confusion was cleared. It would be nice like Sam mentioned above, to know the relationship between the two characters. Other than that it was great. I love your style!
-icy.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Hey, guys! Thanks so much for reading this, and for your suggestions. I see now how this could be mistaken for a romance instead of a mother-daughter relationship. I switched around a few words and changed it from second to third person like you suggested, Sam.

Tell me what you think. Hopefully it's not worse. :?
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Did you edit this? Because it appears to be in first person, rather than third. It's great that way... It just isn't in third person.

Yeah, at first I was thinking bed partner as well. But as I read further, I loved how you managed to make it so innocent and sweet and the way that mothers and children do cuddle occasionally. It was so sweet. And then the way you brought the hospital in it... Great stuff.

Loved it. Very, very nice.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Ha, ha. Thanks for correcting me, Gryph. Sometimes what I say only makes sense to me. I meant I changed it from speaking to "mother" (as in, "I can still feel your chest rise") to referring to the mother as a third person (as in, "I can still feel her chest rise".) But yeah, it's in first person. *headache*

I'm such a goof. :wink:

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As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
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