Elior Series-Chapter 1 Remake

I know its a big change from the last one.
I like it
Althought its a big more touchy fealy !




Elior Series

Book of Alarice (Book 1 of 3)

Chapter 1
One’s love for the world

Lydia. Who was she?
I heard her name but I never saw her.
Is this some kind of joke?
I’m not crazy am I?
I know I heard something, I just know it.
Wait?
What was that?
Is someone there?
Hello?
Maybe I am going crazy.
Huh?
Who are you?
Hello?
Answer me!
Don’t just stand there say something.
Okay this is getting freaky. I’m leaving now; you can rot for all I care. Wait! Put down the gun! I didn’t mean it, dont shoot!

Bang.
_______________________________________________________________________


A white room: no windows, no doors, just a white room. A chair and a girl, she sits in the chair. She just sits there, staring at the wall: emotionless, soulless, just an empty shell. Nothing could get in the white room, and nothing could escape it. Her motive unknown and her quest was sitting there; to protect the white room. How can she protect a room with no entrance? Its quiet simple actually, to protect a room with no entrance. How simple is it? Well it’s just as simple as sitting there. What? You’re still confused? It’s not that hard to understand. I mean really it’s very simple. Don’t argue with me, just shut up and sit there! You say another word and I’ll kill you!

Bang.
_____________________________________________________________________

Derek awoke, shocked and sweating. His heart pounded as he awoke from his nightmare. He looked around the room. He saw his dresser, some clothes hanging off the bed post. Posters of Paramore, his favorite band, were scattered on his walls. His TV was muted on Scooby Doo, and his bedroom door wide open. He took a deep breath.

“It was just a dream, and a strange one at that.” He pulled his covers off and jumped out of bed. His face still showed fear as he dressed himself. He walked over and turned off his TV, without looking back toward his bed. His eyes caught a figure, a black figure. The man from his dream stood outside his window. His eyes widened.

“I don’t think he knows I see him yet,” he thought to himself. He didn’t know what to do; he just stood there perfectly still. Suddenly the figure vanished into the air. He ran over to the window and threw it open. He looked up, down, everywhere for the shadowy creature. Nothing. Derek closed it quickly and put down his shade. He leaned against his window and breathed heavily.

“Derek are you alright, what are you doing?” Derek jumped when he heard a voice coming from the hallway.

“Oh geez it’s you mom, you scared me!” He relaxed once again.

“I’m sorry dear, Alexa called she said she needed to talk to you.”

“Alright mom thanks, I’ll call her back.” As his mom exited the room he
dove for the phone. He dialed Alexa’s number and listened for her answer.

“Hello, this is Alexa” she said, sounding quite happy.

“Hey it’s me, mom said you called?”

“Oh, hi Derek, yea I need to talk to you in person.” She suddenly sounded sad.

“Is there something wrong?”

“I’ll meet you at our spot in 15 minutes.” She hung up. Derek put down the phone, quite puzzled.

“Wonder what’s wrong, she sounded upset.” He couldn’t help but worry about her. He got up from his bed and proceeded downstairs.

He made his way to the spot where she said to meet. Their spot, as she called it. He walked up a long sidewalk, and onto a cement bridge. He stopped in the middle of it and looked out at the river. Someone tapped his shoulder and he jumped around.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to surprise you.” Alexa stood in front of him. He stared at her soft tan face, and could help but smile.

“It’s fine; I’ve just been a bit jumpy today is all.” Alexa motioned to sit on a nearby bench. They sat down beside each other, and Alexa twiddled her thumbs.

“Is there a problem, what did you need to talk about?” She lowered her head.

“I have to, break up with you,” she sounded amused, almost happy.

“What, why?”

“I only dated you cause my friend bet me 1000$ I could last two months with you.” Derek was stunned. His eyes were big and sad.

“Now the two months are over, and I don’t want to date you anymore.” Derek’s heart was crushed. He felt used, cheated.

“Well, I guess I should go now.” Alexa stood up and walked away. Derek sat on that bench for a few minutes. He didn’t know what to do. He loved Alexa and he just found out it was all fake. This was turning out to be the worst day of his life. Just wait till tomorrow.


Chapter 2(Coming Soon)
What Happens When You Fall

There were a few grammar errors like the $ goes before the number. And yeah is spelled with a h at the end or so I think. I like how you put yourself in the story. I guess it makes it easier to make it more realistic that way. I'm guessing the nightmare was foreshadowing what was going to happen later.

'done shoot' = don't shoot

This was rather interesting with the flipping and sudden changes. Its an original style, but there is not much in terms of character development or anything making too much sense. We have the conversations, but they seem to be largely irrelevant to understanding Derek and don't do much other then to push the story along so quickly that it leaves everything undeveloped and the feeling of being rushed. With no prior relationship or anything, even introductory, the characters seem to be plain and one dimensional.

Thanks for the reviews.
I know it moved slightly fast but i didn't wanna spead a lot of time on there relationship
seeing as its not of importance.
I might expand the chapter add a extra scene. not sure yet.

A relationship should at least be introduced or give us enough background to understand why the break up is occurring at the least. Doing either of those will let us understand the personality of the character and get into Derek's head. Regardless of importance to the story, you want your characters to be realistic and have the reader find commonality in them. It makes the story more enjoyable and easier to read.

Well i put why the break up is occuring is in there.

She dated him because of a bet, she said that and she said she broke up with him cause the bet was comeplty. I also made it pretty aparent that Derek liked her a lot.

Not exactly what I was going for. Just because she essentially whored herself to a guy for two months for a $1000 was a bet, that seems just plain weird. As for their relationship, how far did it go? In the span of two months even feelings can form and an actual bond happen, few people are that cold and cruel as to go so far for a small amount of money. And even so, who is this person that made the bet? Who drops a $1000 as a joke to hurt someone?

What caused the relationship to falter, even on note of a bet. Surely if you are with someone so intimately that you could just go 'i was paid, bye' and walk away from it? I am assuming the relationship was pretty much hot at a few points, and to do this all without emotion is unrealistic.

The 'reason' you gave was not really a reason used to develop the characters as much as it was one to move the story along as fast as possible. And it is unrealistic. Remember what I said about the characters being one-dimensional? Well that's how it seems, use the relationship and give it some elaboration and thought. Maybe use her thoughts to regrettably reject him and foreshadow a return. Give them some life and thoughts to add to the story.

Kenpachi Masamune wrote:Not exactly what I was going for. Just because she essentially whored herself to a guy for two months for a $1000 was a bet, that seems just plain weird. As for their relationship, how far did it go? In the span of two months even feelings can form and an actual bond happen, few people are that cold and cruel as to go so far for a small amount of money. And even so, who is this person that made the bet? Who drops a $1000 as a joke to hurt someone?

What caused the relationship to falter, even on note of a bet. Surely if you are with someone so intimately that you could just go 'i was paid, bye' and walk away from it? I am assuming the relationship was pretty much hot at a few points, and to do this all without emotion is unrealistic.

The 'reason' you gave was not really a reason used to develop the characters as much as it was one to move the story along as fast as possible. And it is unrealistic. Remember what I said about the characters being one-dimensional? Well that's how it seems, use the relationship and give it some elaboration and thought. Maybe use her thoughts to regrettably reject him and foreshadow a return. Give them some life and thoughts to add to the story.

Alright well that seams to be the biggest thing i need to work on.
I'll try and see what i can do O_O
Thou its gonna be difficult >.>

I like it I just dont think it makes much sense. Good luck i love the idea and i hope to see more.

Normally, I'd do a line-by-line thing here, but there are just so many grammatical errors that it would probably take me twenty minutes to point them all out. All I'll say is review your rules of punctuation: you have semicolons where they aren't supposed to be, you aren't punctuating your contractions, and you use way too many colons.

I'll say that the first two parts of this were definitely the most interesting, because they were the most dreamlike, so anything that happened was going to be interesting. Then you moved into the third part, which got boring to read right away, and I completely lost interest in what I was reading. Couple that with poor punctuation, and text that is way too conversational, and it was a struggle just to get through it. Also, it seems unrealistic to me that someone would seriously bet another person $1000 to date someone. Either this is a really rich community, or you're trying too hard and it makes it unbelievable and ridiculous.

Also, the end of your chapter:

This was turning out to be the worst day of his life. Just wait till tomorrow.

Simply awful. It was already an iffy ending to a chapter, but ending a chapter with an obvious, direct "cliffhanger" to the reader is simply poor writing. If I were reading this in a bookstore and read this last line, I'd say, "No thank you" and hide the book behind other books on that shelf.

I'd suggesting a rewrite, but I really dig the first two part of this section, so I'll suggest this instead: go over your grammar and punctuation rules, and rework the third section, making it more believable and refine your characters to make them into people I'd actually care about.


Rereading this, it may seem like I'm "picking on you." Believe me, I don't want to come off like that, but I just simply didn't enjoy this because of so many errors. Rework it, and PM me if you have any questions on stuff.

Keep writing!
kf

Ello Derek!(:

Ugh, I have to rewrite this because of my icky computer. d;

What I didn't like:
- I think you need more details and descriptions. Like, I just don't feel it. What does Derek look like? When he was walking to "their spot", did he take short strides for quickness? Or long strides for nervousness? What does Alexa look like? What does she look like she's feeling? What is her eye color? You should describe this. For Example:

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to surprise you.” Alexa stood in front of him. Her eyes were concintrated on him, yes, but she still look distracted. Distraught, almost. Her soft green eyes were squinted. Her face was filled with nervousness, and Derek could tell something was wrong. As seconds passed, Alexa started figiting with her long, honey brown hair."


See what I mean?

- You had a few, well more like a lot, of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. Before you post, try clicking 'spell check', or else, PM someone, or a close friend to review your post. It tends to help(:

-Your first two paragraphs confused me, I don't know what it was, whether it was not enough description or if some words weren't used. But I was lost. /:

What I liked:
- The way you described Derek's fear in the begining. Use that type of description throughout the story and you'll be ayyokayyy.

Over All Thought:
- Rewrite it. I'm going to be honest, this wasn't something that cought my attention. Some of it, like the last sentence, threw it off. Take my advice, rewrite it, and then have someone review it for you before you post. Like an editor.


Good luck and don't stop writing!(:

Peace,
Day Tripper.