Surprise

Note: This came from my English portfolio, on a question for the creative writing section. I received a grade C for it, which isn't half bad, I suppose.

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Suddenly, the phone went dead but unfortunately my mind didn't stop spinning. The receiver was still clenched in my hand, the knuckles nearly as white as my face. I had to do something; anything! But what on Earth could I do?

Slamming the phone down, I pummeled my way up the stairs and flung my coat around my shoulders, stuffing my feet into my shoes. Mum and Dad had gone shopping two hours ago and they'd be back soon, but it would be too late by then; I had to go myself.

I launched myself down the remainder of the steps and out of the front door, nearly forgetting to lock it. The conversation I'd just had with Katie whizzed around my mind at one hundred miles per hour, making me feel dizzy.

"Hayley, you've gotta help me. There's someone here in the house and I haven't a clue who it is."

"Katie," I began, smiling at my friend who was always one to over-react, "Are you sure it's not just your Mum, coming home from work?"

"I'm as sure as the Pope is Catholic! I saw him Hayley and I'm scared. You're got to hurry up, you've got to!"

That's when the phone went dead and my troubles had begun. Now, I ran as fast as I could, trying to rid myself of the terror that I heard in Katie's voice. The image of a knife wielding maniac with a scar down one cheek and a bad idea in his mind flashed past my eyes and I struggled to shove him out of sight.

What should I do if he's still there?

I kicked that under the rug too; I didn't want to think about the danger I was putting myself into, or it might be too late for Katie. Should I phone the police? Let them deal with it? Of course not, they don't care. You could be fighting off Jack the Ripper and they wouldn't come to help until they had finished their daily Sudoku.

I could see Katie's house now and all of the lights were off. Oh no, she's fighting him in the dark? My legs were beginning to ache and I felt that my lungs were going to explode, but I kept on running as I barreled through the gate and towards the midnight blue front door.

One quick twist of the door knob and I was in, panting like a greyhound and squinting into the darkness. Should I call out, or would that be too dangerous?

Instead, I crept to the closed living room door and took a breath, lunging in and nearly falling back out as the whole room flooded with light.

"Surprise!"

I stared blankly at the rows of people emerging from behind the furniture; Mum, Dad, Katie, Katie's Mum. I was speechless, not because I was happy; I was doubled over, panting and wheezing. After righting myself, I stood and flipped them the bird, turning to walk back home.

All the running for nothing.

It was good...until the end. I thought it was funny how she flipped them the bird but I think you could have ended that better with her happy, even though she had to run all that way. lol However, I still find her flipping them off to be entertaining.

Okay, now I have to be serious. I thought this was a good piece. It had the adreneline rush going on there and made the reader keep reading until the end. That's what I always pay attention to. If I had to force myself through a piece or if I read it and actually kept reading because I enjoyed it.

And this was one of those pieces I enjoyed reading. Good work!

Hi, Lizzy! You said this came from a creative writing assignment, right? Out of curiosity, what was the assignment? It might give me a better idea of what your goal was. Anywho, on to the critique!

GingerLizzy wrote:Suddenly, the phone went dead but unfortunately my mind didn't stop spinning.

Sometimes adverbs are a good thing, but a lot of the time, they aren't. Here, they water down your words right out of the gate. If you get rid of them, you'll have a much stronger effect:

The phone went dead, but my mind didn't stop spinning.

That way we're immediately thrown into the fear of the moment, without all those cluttery adverbs.

I had to do something; anything! But what on Earth could I do?

Here's another tip that's true for most writing: Overusing exclamation points drains excitement! Use them sparsely, or else they lose their strength! Use them too much, and everything's extreme! And then nothing is!

Your paragraph is all ready pretty dramatic, so I'd remove the the exclamation point.

Slamming the phone down, I pummeled my way up the stairs and flung my coat around my shoulders, stuffing my feet into my shoes.

Whoa, there. I would use another word. To pummel something is to hit or beat it. I don't think you want her fighting your stairs. Try another word instead.

"Katie," I began, smiling at my friend who was always one to over-react, "Are you sure it's not just your Mum, coming home from work?"

I would remove this section. It's just trying to stuff in some information about your character. Leave it out. Trust your reader to catch that Katie's a little dramatic with your other hints (Hayley smiling, Katie's comment about the Pope.)

I saw him[comma here] Hayley[and here] and I'm scared.

You're got to hurry up, you've got to!"

I think you mean "You've", right?

That's when the phone went dead and my troubles had begun.

You use two tenses in the same sentence. I would change "had begun" to "began".

Of course not, they don't care. You could be fighting off Jack the Ripper and they wouldn't come to help until they had finished their daily Sudoku.

Hmm... I'm curious. Why did you give Hayley this opinion? I mean, if I were in her situation, thinking that my friend could be in danger, I would call the police, even if I thought there was only a slight chance of them coming. And honestly, what makes her think they wouldn't?

I was speechless, but not because I was happy;

You need to add that "but" there. Otherwise, you're comma splicing.

Some cool things:

Hey! My name's Haley, too!

There were very few grammar mistakes, so pat yourself on the back for that. Also, the ending was pretty good. I laughed at the image of a breathless, angry, teenage girl flipping off a surprise party. But I have a question:

Why were they surprising her? Was it her birthday? If so, she might not be fooled by the "OMG there's a man in my house" trick. You need to know what the motive for the party was.

Hope this helped, and I look forward to more!

~Haley

I liked this! I wasn't so pleased with how it ended though. I mean...we're waiting for something terrible and...the cliche "suprise!"

That's just my opinion though. Its well written in all senses other than that!

Hm. The ending seemed cliche to me. I mean its all suspensful then..."SUPRISE!"

-___-

That's just my opinon though. In all other senses its very well written!

Hiya, Lizzy! Joeducktape seems to have found all the flaws, but I'll try to make a helpful review anyway.

Suddenly, the phone went dead but unfortunately my mind didn't stop spinning.

I definitely agree with Joeducktape in that you should take out the adverbs here.

The image of a knife wielding maniac with a scar down one cheek and a bad idea in his mind flashed past my eyes and I struggled to shove him out of sight.

I think "knife wielding" should be hyphenated.

What should I do if he's still there?

This should be italic because it's a thought.

I kicked that under the rug too; I didn't want to think about the danger I was putting myself into, or it might be too late for Katie.

i think this would be more powerful as "I kicked that under the rug too; I didn't want to think about the danger I was putting myself into--or that it might be too late for Katie."

My legs were beginning to ache and I felt that my lungs were going to explode, but I kept on running as I barreled through the gate and towards the midnight blue front door.

"Midnight blue" should be hyphenated.
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I felt like it just kind of fizzled out in the end--I don't mind the anticlimactic idea about the surprise party (though I do think you should go into more detail in that department), but I think it's kind of dumb that she just flips them all the bird, then goes back home. I realize that you were probably just trying to be funny, but either you didn't succeed, or my sense of humor need to be oiled.

Another BIG problem is that you don't have ANY description. I'm crazy about description, and you have pretty much none of it... which made you lose some points in my eyes. I barely realized she was running outside in that middle section...try describing the night air (warm? cold? humid? dry?), the area (suburban? urban? inner-city?). You don't have to go over-the-top with poetic similes, but I want to have some type of mental image while reading.

On a more positive note, your character seem quite believable and unique with out being crazy. And the e emotions you showed us were fantastic; they captured the feel very well.

Okay, I did a quick scan through it and I understand why you got a C on it. You should have gotten a B- for effort.

The beginning was a bit confusing. And I'm not questioning your phone call...but why did a best friend, tell her that she is about to be raped or killed by some pyscho when she just want's her to come for a surpise party?

It seems she should just get a new friend or something.

the story seems pretty good beside's that, and I loved the ending...but...

You really didn't emphisis the distance. The person telling the story could just be a very fat woman with no excercise while she run's down a block. No offense or anything...

I give this a 3/5. The story is well kept and is not confusing. Don't edit anything the grammer and spelling is good. Just make a new story...without a friend that will tell her overly fat freind to run for her rescue.

To be honest, I didn't really like it. I found it mostly dull, and nothing struck me about it. The biggest problem I had with it was your beginning - a hook needs to be intriguing. There's nothing especially captivating about yours. A hook sets the tone for the rest of the story, and if the hook isn't great, usually the rest of it isn't all that great either.

Try to come up with a different hook/beginning. Keep writing.

To be honest, I didn't really like it. I found it mostly dull, and nothing struck me about it. The biggest problem I had with it was your beginning - a hook needs to be intriguing. There's nothing especially captivating about yours. A hook sets the tone for the rest of the story, and if the hook isn't great, usually the rest of it isn't all that great either.

Try to come up with a different hook/beginning. Keep writing.

Haha, I just about choked on my Hot Pocket.
Very funny.
Nothing I would change.
=]