The Darkness Within

Waiting for moderators, or someone, TO DELETE THIS

It's a nice story. The only real problem you have is the word "the." You use it too much. For example, the first sentence:"Rain poured down intensely from the grey, lurking clouds above me as the sporadic lightning bolts lit the sky in a sharp brightness."

That sentence would sound a lot nicer if you substituted the "the"s. It should go something like this: Rain poured down intensely from grey, lurking clouds above me as sporadic lightning bolts lit the sky in sharp brightness.

The story's pretty good. The only problem I have is that the name is told later on, but that's a personal matter with me. It gives me more of a vision of the character, because I think you can tell a lot by names.

sodapop wrote: The only real problem you have is the word "the." You use it too much. For example, the first sentence:"Rain poured down intensely from the grey, lurking clouds above me as the sporadic lightning bolts lit the sky in a sharp brightness."

Thanks I changed it in the original. Now that you've mentioned it it seems so obvious that there's too many "the's" ^
One of those things that's difficult to find in your own work, i guess
Xxx Do

Need spacing. I can't read anything this clumped together.

it was an all around good story. the only real problems were all of the "the's" but you fixed that, adn it does need to be spaced. try putting a enter between every paragraph. it will make it a lot easier to read. all around, good job adn keep writing.

Thanks for the advice! Some parts are difficult to space, though but i think its okay now, or at least better

Interesting concept. I'd like to read more.

The paragraph spacing might not be as bad now as it might have been whenever, but you still need to do some spacing out. Each new line of dialogue by a different character needs to have it's own paragraph, with an extra line break between it and the last one.

So, why do run-aways not have to pay anything at Mike's? I got that he was helping them out, but if I am correct in my assumption, he is feeding something like 5 teenagers, all out of his own pocket. I know he runs his own store and all, but that has got to be expensive. What is his motivation?

And what are the odds that all the runaways would find eachother in what appears to be a small town (I could be wrong, but I didn't get much description of the place and Mike's little home-grown variety grocery made me thing either small town or boondocks, which it really can't be since Jason says he used to live a few streets away, implying that it is more of a community/town than a random outpost) and all be the same age? This was the most unbelievable part of the story thus far. Also, why is Jason spilling his entire story to a complete stranger? I mean, what if she were to change her mind and tell an adult? Then would begin manhunts and what not. Do any of them go to school/have a job/anything?

So yeah, the info-dumping at the end of this put me off a little. I'd rather learn about it slowly, maybe a shorter version now, and you can flesh out each kid's history as we meet them or something.

Anyway, keep on truckin'!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I liked it although I got Lost a lot in it!