MY DIARY,THINGS I'D NEVER SAY.
I was searching for an old file in my study when i found my old year 2001 diary,going from page to page I discovered a part of me i once forgot,a concept i once had,what amused me most was my definition of peace,the diary reads " from what i've seen in life, I define peace as
a virtue gained only in the end of one's exixtence here on earth." It made me remember a part of me i once forgot.
My life has been like a race,in search of something still unknown to me,I was a boy then,the last of four male issues,born into a strict catholic family,my dad lost his job 5 years ago,my mum does not work at all,my elder brothers are in college in another state,they come home sparingly or during vacation. My parents fight all the time,its a routine now,they transfer their agression on me just like when two elephants fight,the grass suffers.My only consolation was my school,there i could have some peace of mind. The diary read on,"May 16th 2001. its 6:ooam and i'm up, the sky is bright and the day looks good,i've cleaned the houses and served breakfast,i've taken a bathe and i'm off to school,my school is 4 miles from my home. Its 8:ooam,the teacher is in class,someone taps my back and passes a note to me,the note reads"meet me after classes ususal venue dude". There begins my torment, Jude,the leader of the freestyles,a gang group existiing in my school for years,has special interest in me, he says I'm a bright boy and he needs someone like me to do his cover up classes,his homework and tests,he's been picking on me for 6 months,because of his group i've spent most of my lunch time in class,but thers no escape today.After school, I was taken to the school's gym and given a thorough beating,he says it will continue until i do what he says,there's no need reporting to our Rector,rumours have it that he formed the outfit.
Where do i find peace? its sunday, i could get some respite in church,but sadly,the priest explains the consequences of sin,the thought comes,how has my life been?where am i heading? Hell or Heaven,fear grips me and all i ask now is that this service should end soon. Getting home that day,i realised all was not wll, there must have been another fight,i tried to ignore the situation and remind my dad that i will be going for my best friends Parents wedding annivesary which he should have attended.( I had already discussed it with him weeks before)He says "No", He says its his house and i'll do whatever he says,he wanted to show he still had authority in the house....sadly, i retire to my room,i was half asleep when i'm awoken by a bang on my door,it was my dad, he wanted to know why i locked my room door.(I've always locked my door when I wanted to sleep and my family knew that)He wanted to know why i spent so much time in Church,He wanted to know why i side my mother in every argument,i was too much for me,i burst into tears and went to my mums room,it was locked and i was quite sure she would'nt open,my heart beat fast,i had to run into the bathroom and locked myself in there with my eyes full of tears.
The thoghts just kept coming back to me as i read on,I remembered one Saturday morning,on my way to the library,(the library is about 6 miles from my house) I saw a large crowd gathered by the side walk,on reaching there i found out it waS a motor accident,a hit and run driver knocked down a man walking home from work and sped off,looking at his lifeless body i thought to myself"Has this man not found peace?" it should'nt be when a man dies that he has peace,but on the other hand how happy are the living? where do I find peace?I went to the library on Saturdays so i could get out of my house,but as i've seen there's no rest of mind outside the house,that day i turned back and went home,sadly.
The diary read on,"12th June 2001; I'm at home now,its 7:00pm,my folks are out on a courtsey visit and they would'nt be back until midnight,(I wondered how they even decided to go together,maybe they did it to save face)I'm in my room,lying on my bed,the lights are out,i'm half asleep,there's music on and this strange feeling comes to me, could it be? I remebered that accident victim,had his home been as cool and relaxed as this,had he been a loving father,his home a happy home,then certainly it wolud'nt be at the end of his exixtence that he found peace,certainly not".
Here I am,6 years later,i'm through with university education,i have a good job and I've got a home,i've been married for two years now,i live with my wife's two sibblings and a cousin of mine,my wife stopped working when she got our first issue(a boy).Its like one big family,and i look back and remember,had i had a place like this in the past,had my dad been a better person,had my mum not been so stobborn,had i never met Jude in high school,i would never had defined Peace the way i did 6 years ago.I find peace at home,when i get home from work i try to realx, i get that feeling i once had when parents were away that night,my inlaws and cousin often wonder why i'm so nice to them,but i'll never tell them, they would'nt understand even if i did. I want to give them what i never had,a happy home,a peaceful home.Once you have a home like mine,it extends to everyone who walks into your home,I was wrong in my previous definition of peace.The Collins English dictionary defines Peace as "a state of harmony between people or groups,freedom from strife" it also defines it as"the absence of mental anxiety" but I define peace now,as "a feeling of contentment of whose greatest enemy is fear" The moment i walk into my home, i find Peace.
