The Ribbon.

It curls with the air currents, flickering
With the shuddering of failing wings,
As it drifts higher into the sky. It touches light,
Going so much farther up. I miss it.
Craving for the touch of the fraying silk,
Even as it is pulled up into the clouds the gods reside in.
At last, I watch as the last speck dissipates and cry,
Silently.

Wow, your poetry of late has reached this whole other level, and that frightens me just a little. I mean, wow. This one I don't like so much as others, "Lemon Sonata" was just obscenely brilliant, but it still retains this new frightening subtlety of yours. So, v quick shredding.

It curls with the air currents, flickering

I like the ambiguity, the motion catching your eye instead of the object, it's lyrical and shows control over your audience.

With the light flap of nonexistent wings,

'Light' and 'nonexistant' are not as strong as your opening verb thing, they have a touch of the 'really, very, sort of' about them. We could get into the zillion synonyms, but what you are approaching is delicate and impalpable, so probably suggestion through a clean phrase lends itself more than the filagree adjectives. Think about the bones of the line, how is the flap light, is it effortless or slight, elegant or impossible, how is the wing nonexistant, merely because it's invisable? I understand giving the ribbon wings would breeed confusion and pestilance upon the land but trust to the metaphor and the elitism of poetry. Say it with me now, "I am a banana, a pigs representation of the moon". In watching the motion of the ribbon, do you immediately think of flight, are flight metaphors the only way to imbed it in the audience's mind?

As it drifts higher into the sky. It touches light,

I know there's the light/light thing, and it's clever but I'm not infatuated, it's still a weak adverb.

Craving for the touch of the fraying silk,

I really love this line, though. You can really feel it on your fingertips, it's glorious, the ghost of the sensation in the yearning.

Going father up then I shall ever reach. I miss it.

Silently, as my childhood dies.

That's spelling it out a little, you can be more enigmatic, trust in us. You are smarter than us, but we like to fake it. I'm always amused that people assume that poetry is never really about the mirror, or the the girl, or the persian silk knickers, even if the poem is only about those things, they will heap their own meanings upon it.

Hoooowever, having said all of that, I thought there was a straight, clear voice in all of this, and I believe you do possess a Khayyamesque skill of simpley stating an emotion, with the poetry just there, welling up in it. To make happiness, love, pain, not cliches nor vehicles for ego but prophets to some small truth in us.

Yes, I did try and seek out the poem I liked least of yours. Because you were bloody perfect in everything you'e written and you're always always getting better even though it should be impossible, which fills me with such rage as you cannot imagine. You are some kind of magic, Leroux, and you know it.

Most of the line by line stuff has been taken care of, but there's just one thing:-

Going father up then I shall ever reach. I miss it.

I think it should be further - father=parent.

Other than that, it was a really nice poem.
Keep writing,
Bkwrm

Very good. I liked how it was so emotionally deep and something so insignificant, but at the same time so beautiful because it is simple. A powerful poem and I liked it a lot!

Nothing to complain about! Very interesting and somewhat saddening. (actually rather saddening)

This is awesome, and sad, all at once.
Nothing to change, in fact, don't change anything.
*wraps her childhood around her wrist and ties it tightly*

This is very thought provoking dear and you have some beautiful imagery. I agree with most of what Kit has said but I thought I'd add a few comments of my own -

It curls with the air currents, flickering [I'm not sure about starting with 'it'. In one sense, I like it because of course the it is your childhood rather than the ribbon but in another sense I think it's vague and a little weak. I think the beginning needs to be stronger than that. Maybe 'My Ribbon' to give it that possessive feeling. Also, I'd suggest changing the title of the poem to simply 'Ribbon.']
With the light flap of nonexistent wings, [I think you should build up on the imagery that links it to childhood. For example, you could have gentle rather than light and flutter instead of flap or fairy-wings instead of nonexistant which should be non-existent.]
As it drifts higher into the sky. It touches light, [I'm not sure about drifts. I like the suggestion that it's accent is uncontrollable but maybe floats would be better? And perhaps into the clouds rather than sky? I like 'It touches light' but I'd suggest placing it on a separate line.]
Going [s]father[/s] further up [s]then[/s] than I shall ever reach. I miss it.
Craving for the touch of the fraying silk, [Perfect line.]
Even as it is pulled up into the clouds the gods reside in. [Maybe tugged rather than pulled? And instead of saying into the clouds where gods reside you could say 'Even as it is tugged away to the realm of gods' or 'Even as it is tugged by hands of gods through cotton-candy clouds' or something just a little more creative. I'd really like to see you infuse this with childish imagery so that you can remove the last line without it worrying you too much that your reader will not see what you mean.]
At last, I watch as the last speck dissipates and cry,
Silently, as my childhood dies. [I agree that this makes it too obvious and takes away from the beauty of all your metaphors.]

Hope that helps a little, my dear. It's a very pretty poem though, very well written. Feel free to ask me questions,

Heather xx

I liked the poem! Great job! I would like to read more.

Going father up then I shall ever reach. I miss it.

That should be 'farther' not 'father'

But other than that, I can find no more useful crits worth your time, so I'll close with this...





That ROCKED!!!!!

simple , beautiful and fresh.
i actually imagined myself as the ribbon. haha.

I liked it. Your description, it's so crisp, up to the point:

"It curls with the air currents, flickering
With the light flap of nonexistent wings, "

Beautiful. Though the "childhood" line, the last line, was too melodramatic, I think. Melodramatic, as in an unnecessary explicit reference. A simple hint at "childhood" will have been better.

Overall though, grand.

Squee, I love you all for commenting. I appreicate it so much, and will come back to actually impliment suggestions, and work on this properly in mere moments - I'm sure. ^^

Your comments are beautiful and I love you all for them.

Thank you all, once again. You're aces.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

PenguinAttack wrote:It curls with the air currents, flickering
With the light flap of nonexistent wings,
As it drifts higher into the sky. It touches light,
Going father up then I shall ever reach. I miss it.
Craving for the touch of the fraying silk,
Even as it is pulled up into the clouds the gods reside in.
At last, I watch as the last speck dissipates and cry,
Silently, as my childhood dies.

Hmm...I liked how you described how a ribbon would blowi in the wind. Other than that, I really didn't like this so much, because I don't see why or how a missing ribbon would kill your childhood. Put more detail into it to describe why the ribbon means so much to you. I hope this helps.

-Rick.

PenguinAttack wrote:It curls with the air currents, flickering
With the shuddering of failing wings,
As it drifts higher into the sky. It touches light,
Going so much farther up. I miss it.
Craving for the touch of the fraying silk,
Even as it is pulled up into the clouds the gods reside in.
At last, I watch as the last speck dissipates and cry,
Silently.

One thing about your poem I noticed is your doing what everyone else thinks you have to do; capitalizing the first letter of each line. You don't have to, I've seen plenty that don't do that, and have been published. Also, you have sentences, if you are going to have them it doesn't make sense to have the beginning of the next line capitalized if it's part of that sentence. If I am wrong then by all mean's correct me. Other wise I think it's a great poem. I usually only go bye content, word meaning and all that, but I thought I'd give you a bit more.