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"Joeanna mumbled she began to wipe her shirt and fix her hair." may sound better with a period after "mumbled".

I don't think you need the comma in this sentence:
"The smell of Jonathan Barker, filled Joeanna’s nose..."

“Don’t make him out to be some sort of slut [,] Joe [.]I mean [ he's] not into everything [and] if he was he would have pushed up on you, right [?] I mean he’s into girls like me and friends with girls like you.”

Sorry, I know I changed that last part a lot but it sounds a lot more smoother this way.

"...there’s some guy crazy enough to date you somewhere ["] ---> needed parenthesis sign.

"...ripping [them] from her hands."

“Alright [,] next use powder on them..."

And the last thing you should do is go through the whole thing and make sure its all in the same tense; present tense, past tense.




Other than that it was a really great story, and I can't wait to hear more.


Keep up the great work,


Trick

I. NITPICKS

darkdove wrote:Joeanna stammered into the hallway, clear and quiet.

There's no need to separate the statement into two separate clauses. It should be. "Joenna stammered into the clear and quiet hallway." Also, stammered isn't a good word to describe movement - most people tie it with speech.

“Let’s go into this one.” Christa said, charging into a vacant restroom.

Charging is an aggressive word. I think you should change it.

Her mouth wanted to form the words but her throat wouldn’t let them out. She fought herself and strained to breathe out unspoken words. She finally resumed brushing her black hair and putting on the mimic of Christa’s yellow headband.

“Don’t make him out to be some sort of slut, Joe, I mean he's not into everything if he was he would have pushed up on you, right. I mean he’s into girls like me and friends with girls like you.”

“Oh don’t feel bad sweet Joe, there’s some guy crazy enough to date you somewhere. “She put her arm around Joeanna and pressed her [b]cheek against hers.

[b]II. TENSES

You changed tenses a bit in this piece. You should fix that. It makes your work choppy and breaks up the flow.

III. CHARACTERS

I had difficulty separating your characters. They kind of blended together for me...I think you should work on fleshing them out a bit more and making them stand out against each other in the piece.

IV. DESCRIPTION

You lack description in this piece; it's mostly dialog. You need to use more sensory language. What does the bathroom look like? How are the girls acting? What about body language? Smell? You use description very sparsely.

V. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this piece was a bit rough, but easily fixed. Just work on it a bit more. You're conflict is interesting about her parents...so I'd read more most likely.

thank you for posting everyone.

I sort of hoped everyone would look at Christa more than her parents or at least sort of bring together whats going on or whats happened to her. I really want people to figure out whats happen before I tell it. But if you don't its cool too.

separate please- hard to read. It'll also help attract more pleople to read and review it. ^_^