The Blinded

we are the blinded. but don't take it personally. please critique as harshly as you can:


The Blinded

Yesterady we celebrated
A holiday
Of killing
The only people
Who owned this country

Today we laughed
Our way through
All of the
Violence on tv

Tomorrow we pray
For explosions and death
Of our enemies

It's a wonder
The sun can smile
For all of us
But, then again,
Is it really
smiling?

Hey, Callie. Ah, cynical poems. Fun, fun.

Cool Things:

The "message" of this poem, if you will, is great. I know things like that stir my anger, and this piece sort of calls them out. I've seen this done in other poems, and it can go really wrong. However, you didn't. This wasn't man-with-a-megaphone throwing things in people's faces and calling them names. Instead, it quietly points out where the screws are coming lose. Also, you never outright say this or that is Wrong and Bad. We get to make that revelation on our own.

Things That Could Use Work:

An overall note would be that this is a little cliched. Try working in the originality that was in your poem about the Florida coast. Keep the idea, but tweak the words you use.

The only people
Who owned this country

Hmm.... I think you could make this stronger. Saying they "owned" it doesn't really point out that they owned it first, or deserved it. Maybe you could say "trully owned". Or something. Get creative.

For explosions and death

Hmm... not big on the use of explosions here. Maybe another word. One that has some more graphic imagery.

Hope that helps.

-Haley

I loved your poem. It has a really great message. I agree with it. Send this to the White House! lol. kidding. Good job, dear!

I really like your poem, I like how you spaced it and the message was really clear. It made a strong picture in my mind.
There was one thing though,

"But, then again,
Is it really
smiling?"

Maybe leave the "But" out.

Good one mate.
=]