Randi

Some of you know about Randi, and what happened. I'm still mourning for her... and I decided to write her this poem. It really sucks right now, but I would really like to give it to her parents or something like that. If you don't know about Randi, click here.

Randi

If God gave me the chance
To turn the time around,
I would do it for you.

The day of the operation,
The day of despair,
Would have dissipated.

You would never have been told
You were to die,
If I could turn time back around.

I would’ve turned it back
So we could’ve been friends
From the moment we sat together at lunch.

Our eyes met, and I turned away.
I selfishly turned away
From your appearance.

You see, God made you the way you were,
Under four feet tall and all.
He wanted to test you because He knew you.

He knew your spirit,
Strong and sturdy.
He knew that you could overcome this prison.

But your body needed help,
Desperately needed help
Or something might’ve happened.

And it did.

If God gave me a chance
To turn the time around,
I would do it for you.

_

Thanks for reading.

Good poem Jared, it made me sad.

I'm so sorry for you. And for Randi.

Wonderful job on the poem. A beautiful tribute.

May Randi rest in peace, and you rest easy.

~GryphonFledgling

"If God gave me the chance
To turn the time around,
I would do it for you."

Ambiguous “the” time around. I'd like to know what time, you know? If you just removed "the" it would clear that up.

"The day of the operation,
The day of despair,
Would have dissipated."

Repetition of “the day” is grating and unnecessary.

"You would never have been told
You were to die,
If I could turn time back around."

Repetition of “you” is noticeable. I also don’t like how it reads, the stanza lacks flow.

Our eyes met, and I turned away.
I selfishly turned away
From your appearance."

Repetition here “I turned away”

"He knew your spirit,
Strong and sturdy.
He knew that you could overcome this prison."

Was it really a prison? Explore that.

"But your body needed help,
Desperately needed help
Or something might’ve happened."

Repetition of “needed help”


Okay! Boy.

This isn’t terrible by any means, but it is repetitive and I think loses thread in the middle there. I would suggest you concentrate on one aspect of the girl – Is the only think you know about her height? I would try and go for something different, more personal. Was she bright, happy, was she good in class, did she have many friends? Perhaps she had a talent in something?

What you have is still good, I just think you could cut some of it out (the entire section on the lunch thing doesn’t fit at all, that makes it about *you* and not her, and I found it noticeable.) And really cut down on all repetition. It’s not doing anything for the piece right now. Condense what you’re talking about, and shape your ideas a little more. Make it more concrete.

Luck! ^^ Any issues, just ask me. And Pm me if you change it, I’d love to crit it again.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Oh my gosh. This almost made me cry! A while ago my grandpa died and I felt the same as you in this poem. Best poem I've read in a long long long long time!


Amazing work! Keep writing!

Zalex

Penguinattack got the corrections.

This poem hits home and so does the simple message which all of us can relate to. It is nicely done, rather then going into details of life and death, it focuses on the spirit and memory. Which is best at communicating this sad subject of loss. Less personal the better and considering what I read AFTER the poem...that is something which I am glad you did.

This definitely is sad. I think it has great tragic potential. However, you have a few mistakes here and there that really ruined the atmosphere of the poem for me. Here's a stanza by stanza:

If God gave me the chance
To turn the time around,
I would do it for you.

The first sentence certainly draws me in: it's like a missed opportunity, something dramatic enough for me to feel for. The second sentence (and your subsequent continual usage of "If only I could turn back time) is cliche. There's even a song by Cher that was really famous called "If I could turn back time." You can see it in so many poems that it's already so tired and so selfish, because even though I understand the feeling, you don't evoke it well enough.

The day of the operation,
The day of despair,
Would have dissipated.

I don't like this one a lot because I feel like you're way too "telling not showing". It's so melodramatic. "Oh, the day of the operation, the day of despair, oh, my, goodness." You know?

You would never have been told
You were to die,
If I could turn time back around.

This is strong, but I think it could be rephrased into something like:

They would never have told you that
this would become your deathbed...

and then the third line is yucky cliche.

I would’ve turned it back
So we could’ve been friends
From the moment we sat together at lunch.

First line, again, not likey. You could also rephrase the two remaining lines into something more poignant and relating and well, poetic. Because at the current moment it's really bland.

Well, I'm not going to carry on with this because my mom just screeched at me to go to sleep from underneath me, but you understand where I am going here, yes? You have several cliches that you need to fix, and some ill phrasing. Also I'm very sorry about Randi and I'd like to let you know that I was greatly touched by her story. It actually inspired me to write a poem which I'll post sooner or later. Anyway, hope I helped!

O.o

How did you find this poem? Haha. Wow. This brings back unwanted memories. -.- Thanks for the critique, though, Gadi.

-Jared

I think this was a good poem; it gave the sense of melancholy thus, giving the poem the emotion that you intended for it to have. Sorry about you losing this person. I also like how it tells the story that you really don't know how good something is until it's gone. I don’t think I saw any grammar errors but then again, I wasn’t really looking out for those. Anyway, good poem it possessed a lot of emotion.