His Fool

I loved you.

I loved you.

You were the polish for my toes,

But now you're the toe jam.

You were the cherry on top of my sundae,

But now you're the long piece of hair in it.

You were the apple of my eye,

But now you're the fly that flew in it.

You were the sweet tooth in my mouth,

But now you're the grain between it.

You're the itch that can't be scratched,

The disease that can't be cured,

The white pimple on the tip of my nose,

The stray hair on my girly chin.

I was your game piece in your little game,

The puppet in your show.

I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court!

Never again.

I loved you.

I loved you.

I liked it! It had that subtle anger like the ones credit card companies send. This was awesome, keep it up. I wonder where you got the inspiration to write it!

Thank you darkdove! I hope other people like it.

*gaps at what she just read.* Amazing. i have but one word for it. AMAZING. Such anger. such....ermm fury is in it. bravo. hey girl im donin good you aint been on that much but hey check out my heart is yours, i put some more on it.

Thanks girl! I'll surely stop by and read it! Talk to you later.

Interesting and nicely done.
Good job! I liked the idea here. I didn't like the fact that you reapeated "I loved you, I loved you" at the end twice and at the beginning. I think that it would have be nicer if you only out it once, but that's my view of things.
Well... I don't really have anything to say so, see yah!
Phibbles!

Thank you shanan-cat. I said I loved you in the beginning and end like that to show that she loved him to death. And that she still loved him even though she states that she despises him. Anyway, thanks.

*whistles* i can feel the emotion emanating from the poem XD
you do well in expressing your thoughts and feelings through poetry.
keep it up =)

Thanks a mil Shadow!!

Hahaha! Somebody must have reeaally ticked you off XD Oh my gosh that's awesome.

At first the structure was slightly off-putting, but you definately made up for it. I read the first three lines and thought this would be a love poem, but the fourth caught me off guard and made me cringe.

I like the way you've started by making comparisons, advanced to direct insults, and finished on something slightly more poetic and meaningful, it was well written.

Nice work! Keep it up

Thank you Tag and welcome to YWS!

blacktiger3915 wrote:I loved you.

I loved you.

You were the polish for my toes,

But now you're the toe jam.

You were the cherry on top of my sundae,

But now you're the long piece of hair in it.

You were the apple of my eye,

But now you're the fly that flew in it.

You were the sweet tooth in my mouth,

But now you're the grain between it.

You're the itch that can't be scratched,

The disease that can't be cured,

The white pimple on the tip of my nose,

The stray hair on my girly chin.

I was your game piece in your little game,

The puppet in your show.

I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court!

Never again.

I loved you.

I loved you.

It's very sweetly written. Very professionally written. I feel no real need for much editing as it's very positive already. I strongly liked it. And normally I dislike poems that repeat lines. But here it was appropriate. The title relates to the poem and I really liked that. Good job!:D

...geep! When I first read it, I thought this was supposed to be funny, but judging by the comments, that doesn't seem to be the case, unless of course, everybody's joking around? Anyway! I thought it was humorous because it used such simple kiddy imagery (ice cream, toe nail polish, pimples, puppets) instead of stronger images of dislike and unhappiness. So if the intent was to make something very light and fluffy, you have succeeded! If you wanted to make something serious, you need to try again with stronger images.

it did make me laugh. But funny isnt always funny. get it? i felt the anger too. And I also liked the way you repeated "I Loved You" nice poem.

When I first read the words "I loved you", my first thought was "Oh gawd, teenage breakup poem, nothing new" but I am so glad to say that minute I read the second line and continued on, my whole perspective of this poem shifted.

I liked it especially because all of the negative aspects that you compare this person to are just little, realistic things that piss the average person off every day and I think it really gives meaning to this poem as opposed to you saying "My heart was broken into a million pieces" like some other poems I know. You found a unique, realistic, anti-Hollywood way to express your negative feelings toward this person through poetry and for that, I congradulate you.

I'm not really sure what to think about the repeated line; to me, there's nothing wrong with it but I kinda feel it's just...there as a closing and opening.

Oh, and one thing I spotted: The line "I can't believe I was your dancing fool in your court!" I think would flow so much better if you just left off "in your court". That last part throws off the rhythm.

Overall, the greatest aspect of this poem was uniqueness, you should be very proud of your work.