Mother Nature's Son

This was another one written for my English class. I had to write a poem with specific poetic devices. This isn't very good, but this is a good example of poetry written at 9:30 at night.

I usually rhyme in my poems, basically because I grew up with Dr. Suess. Not rhyming in this poem was sooo hard for me, and I don't think I did well, hehe. Dr. Suess ftw!

Mother Nature’s Son

The winds howl through the stormy night
And the waves crash against the rocky cliffs,
But the weather doesn’t bother the spider
Whose glittering web is carefully weaved
Beneath the leaves of the trees.

The wooshing waves that crackle below
Do nothing to scare the tiny arachnid.
Her vision is sharp as her pincers,
Her legs are as thin as the lightning above,
And her courage is as strong as the rain
That pounds against her hairy body.

The wind dies down and the rain slows to a stop
As the lightning flashes its final flash
And the thunder booms its final boom.
O Mister Sun, sent out by your Mother Nature,
Casting your rays upon the world down below.

The finished web glistens from Mother Nature’s son,
The son that blankets the seashore with his warmth.
The spider smiles at the work she’s done.
She continues the life she normally leads,
And feasts on her fresh catch of the day.

Overall, I loved this. My only critique is that the flow was a bit off in these few lines:

Her vision is as sharp as the pincers of her mouth,
Her legs are as thin as the lightning above,
And her courage is as strong as
The rain that pounds against her hairy body.

"The pincers of her mouth" is a bit unwieldy. Perhaps just "her pincers"?

For some reason, the only simile that sticks out in a bad way is "And her courage is as strong as..." Perhaps it's because you ended with "as". That line is a bit short anyway, so I'd just move "The rain" up a line and it'll flow better.

O Mister Sun, sent out by your Mother Nature,
Casting your rays upon the world down below.

"Mister Sun" makes me think of a children's song, which doesn't fit with your poem. Maybe you can just make it "The Sun". Besides that, this is a fragment and it's in the second person, which doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. I would re-write it as:

The Sun, sent out by his Mother Nature,
Casts his rays upon the world below.

The son that blankets the seashore with his welcoming warmth.

This line sticks out because it's long. I'd take out "welcoming" and maybe just use "shore" instead of "seashore".

Overall, great job!

Yeah, I could kind of tell that it was difficult for you not to rhyme. But it didn't effect the quality of the poem at all:)

JabberHut wrote:The wind dies down and the rain slows to a stop,
As the lightning flashes its final flash,
And the thunder booms its final boom.

It's been a long time since I've read a poem where all I had to say was 'add a comma'.
Good job! *gold star*


*adna*

I'm not in the best of moods, so sorry if I come across a bit harsh.

It was good, but nothing spectacular that would want to make me read it over and over again, like your First Attempt poem. That was great.

I don't know... I'm like you. Non-rhyming poems just aren't fun to read. When they do rhyme, they have a fun rhythm and all of that.

But of course, that's just my opinion.

Alright, enough blabber about nothing:

That pounds against her hairy body.

I know that a spider's body is hairy, but hairy just isn't a very... appealing word. Furry is slightly more pleasant, but that's just my opinion, again.

O Mister Sun, sent out by your Mother Nature,

Mister is a funky word. I would change it to what niteowl said.

As the lightning flashes its final flash,
And the thunder booms its final boom.

It was okay, but not very spectacular, but I'll figure you'll get a solid A+.

-Jared

This is too... narrative. What is the underlying meaning of this poem?

You see, it doesn't have one, or if it does, its meaning is so weak that it doesn't seem clear. In FREAK, I also have a spider that shows up (the freak tells it to go away and when it does, she follows it, finding a room that she probably shouldn't get into). But the spider is a black hairy thing in the middle of a white palace, and its out-of-place-ness complements the freak, so there is a reason. But your thought seems to be generally to make it so the spider works against the nature to build her web.

Okay. But it is so lamely done!

Just look at the allusions! There are so many spider stories in Indian Mythology, yet you use the silly spider nursery rhyme and Mister Sun? Come on! Do your research correctly. Make it so that the spider can be read as something else besides a spider, and give it a deeper meaning. And that will give your poem meaning.

So yeah... hope that helps?

I liked this poem. I like the concept and the idea of it too.