Chasing Rainbows Chapter 2 (Revised)

Okay basically, chapter 1 been shortened. This makes this chapter 2. So now old chapter 2 is chapter 3. Confused yet?

Anyway, tell me if you can suggest how to make it longer?

******

Chapter 2

The chairs scuffled as the family entered. Laid on the table was no banquet, just pittance, compared to what their boss had. Yet it was a time of celebration so Melissa and Antio done best to pull out all stops.

Some old candlesticks made up the centrepiece. Antio and Melissa’s wedding present-- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery lay organized on the delicate lace tablecloth. In front of them there was a leg of well-roasted pork, some potatoes garnished with fresh butter, and some freshly baked aromatic garlic bread.

Melissa handed out the plates to everyone, smiling brightly hoping that it would be calm atmosphere. It wasn’t often she got them all sitting together. Normally it was only her and Antio. Sierra and Alexzander headed to respected places in city. So it would be good if it were peaceful celebratory time. Joyous even.

A knock interrupted her thoughts, as she was still standing she headed to answer. Opening the door she saw the face of Krlando the fire swallower, the remains of badly singed eyebrows and beard were first thing you noticed. Still in his performance costume, a jacket and trousers tassels hanging off the fiery colour coat. Naturally red hair spiked up with some cosmetic stuff. He grinned smugly, “’Ow yar Melissa? Ima good meself, ‘till got ‘ungs of ‘teel. Soooooooooo… letting me in?” His eyes a deep ethanol blue, glowing almost.

Sighing she tried to work out words to say so one he’d go away and two not get angry, as he obviously was drunk. Looking to see her family waiting she replied the tone obviously annoyed, “Krlando… it’s not often I can have dinner with my whole family. And you’re not family, plus shouldn’t you be in Town?”

Resting his hands over the doorway he smirked, “May-be I no need to see whores. Krlando can fulfil all your desires and more.” He winked his eyes on her chest, “Come on Antio can’t be ‘at good any-more.”

Ignoring all fury she said levelly, “Eyes up! Now go now, before I make you regret those words Krlando.” Slamming the door with such force the frame shook she heard his yell and laughed, dumb idiot. Hope that hurt his hands bad.

Walking back she laid a bright smile on her face. Slowly pulling her chair out she sat down.

Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glasses for his wife and himself. Sierra and Alexzander then helped themselves to milk. Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Sierra interrupted, making him spill some onto the table, he growled.

“Alex. Listen and understand; it’s not wrong to show fear!”

Alexzander slammed the jug down and hollered, “Sierra you’re a weakling and always will be one! You’re just jealous and if that’s how you feel then let’s see who is best!” He stood up knocking the chair over.

Standing up Sierra knocked her chair backward in shock. She was stunned at her brother’s angry reaction but she stood her ground, “Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best. We’re both skilled so let’s not argue.”

Quickly Melissa try to keep peace, “Now you two, not now, it’s been tiring day and Alexzander clear that expression she cares about you, god, be glad she does.”

Sneering, indignantly he added, “You’re such a wet blanket. It’s amazing you are even doing stunts with someone as talented as moi. Oh and Mother stay out of this!”

Sierra lip quivered slightly and her eyes dampened. She then spoke taking a deep breath after each sentence, “I don’t want to fight. Please Alexzander stop…”

All of a sudden a smirk appeared on her face and she wiped her tears away, “You’re technically not an adult yet little brother!” Laying her hands at her elbows bent she sneered all this.

For a bit seemed like he would back off, Sierra was just so sick of him and his arrogance, heck if any of his fans met him they’d realize he was nothing remarkable. Finally speaking Alexzander seemed shakier, she’d hit him right where he hated, his pride encompassed him, but with tact he was easily hurt, “But… who still is worshipped… not you!”

Sighing angrily Melissa spoke her voice raised slightly, “Son if you continue…” Standing up rather quickly Antio growled ignoring all pain from standing without his crutch, “Alexzander, shut up or all trips to town for you will be cancelled.”

Looking at both of them, Alexzander impulsively rolled his eyes and said. “Mother and Father stay out of this! This between me and Sierra got it!” Only after he said these words he realized how hollow they sounded, the affect of them had been. His anger lessened and subsiding, little he wasn’t so why had it stopped him so much?

“Really Sierra, that was a low down move bitch!” It was so difficult to get the anger within that sentence she’d hit him so damn hard.

Scowling at him she replied, “You couldn’t keep your wonderful ego in check, so had to!”

Seeming very unsure now he mumbled, “ Having an ego is better than being weak…”

Sierra turned away from him muttering angrily, “Alexzander, your arrogance has cost you your sister and friend! I just hope it just doesn’t cost you your life.” She ran out door. Alexzander took one look at his father and saw he was livid, and then he turned to his mum seeing angry twinged by disappointment.

Alexzander knitted his eyebrows and yelled, “Well… What!?”

His mum looked at him and replied “Alexzander, we don’t mind if you were afraid. It’s completely normal. We asked you to stop, and you didn’t so consider privilege of going to town on probation for three months.”

“That’s not fair! She’s being a wet blanket about it, I wasn’t afraid big whoop!”

Looking down at the floor Melissa muttered “Lives not fair! Now when you feel mature enough to apologize. We’ll be here.”

With blind fury in his eyes Antio pointed towards the entrance.

Alexzander stormed out.

I said I would get to it!

Tell me where to go after this... me confused

first thing you noticed.

This doesn't fit, I would stick to 3rd person if I were you.

May-be I no need to see whores

What?

fulfil

'fulfill'

I didn't see anything wrong other than those minro errors. I enjoyed that part... yes so it was from the old chapter one... or was it? I am confused!

Keep writing!

~Mark~

Mark's pointed out most of the errors, and my opinion of your work hasn't changed since Chapter One. This is gathering momentum excellently. I can sense a dark atmosphere smouldering, ready to go off. I love the characters, although as a person with four brothers and five sisters myself I think you need to work on the interaction between Alexzander and Sierra. It's stilted and dare I say it cliched in some places.

This stuck out like a sore thumb:

“Really Sierra, that was a low down move bitch!”

And this one:

“That’s not fair! She’s being a wet blanket about it, I wasn’t afraid big whoop!”

It could be my own interpretation, but I couldnt take those lines seriously. They just seemed so unrealistic.

Also, the use of the exclamation mark is overused a little. You can create tension in more orginal and beliviable ways, I think.

But nit-picking over! Kudos handed out, and well done. You've got something here.

Best wishes,

Ami

Hello again, Vernon!

Grammar and First Impressions

Laid on the table was no banquet, just pittance, [no comma] compared to what their boss had.

Yet it was a time of celebration, so Melissa and Antio had done best to pull out all stops.

Some old candlesticks made up the centrepiece. Antio and Melissa’s wedding present-- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery -- lay organized on the delicate lace tablecloth. In front of them, there was a leg of well-roasted pork, some potatoes garnished with fresh butter, and some freshly baked aromatic garlic bread.

Man, I'm hungry now.

Melissa handed out the plates to everyone, smiling brightly and hoping that it would be a calm atmosphere. It wasn’t often she got them all sitting together. Normally it was only her and Antio. Sierra and Alexzander [s]headed[/s] would head to respected places in city. So it would be good if it were peaceful celebratory time. Joyous even.

A knock interrupted her thoughts, [semi instead] as she was still standing, she headed to answer. Opening the door, she saw the face of Krlando the [s]fire swallower[/s] Fire Swallower, [period instead] the remains of his [s]badly singed[/s] badly-singed eyebrows and beard were the first [s]thing[/s] things you noticed. He was Still in his performance costume, [dash instead] a jacket and trousers with tassels hanging off the [s]fiery colour[/s] fiery-coloured coat. Naturally red hair spiked up with some cosmetic stuff. He grinned smugly, [period instead] “’Ow yar, Melissa? Ima good meself, [no comma] [s] ‘till[/s] 'til got ‘ungs of ‘teel. Soooooooooo… letting me in?” His eyes were a deep ethanol blue, [s]glowing almost[/s] practically glowing.

His speech is a little overdone. I could hardly translate -- still can't. I don't understand the ...'ungs of 'teel. 'Ow yar would normally be 'Ow are ye/ya, so his speech must really messed up, I guess.

Sighing, she tried to work out words to say so one he’d go away and two he'd not get angry, as he obviously was drunk.

There are different ways to punctuate this. Here's one I'd suggest: ...words to say: (1) he's go away and (2) he wouldn't get angry. You are allowed to list like this. How you did it is hard to follow. It's up to you, of course. ^_^

Looking to see her family waiting, she replied, the tone obviously annoyed, “Krlando… it’s not often I can have dinner with my whole family. And you’re not family, [period instead] plus, shouldn’t you be in Town?”

Underlined: Is there a reason this is capitalized?

Resting his hands over the doorway, he smirked, [period instead] “May-be I no need to see whores. Krlando can [s]fulfil[/s] fulfill all your desires and more.” He winked, his eyes on her chest, [period instead] “Come on. Antio can’t be ‘at good any-more.”

Why do maybe and anymore have dashes in them? Is he dragging his words out? ...He's drunk, isn't he.

Ignoring all fury, she said levelly, “Eyes up! Now go [s]now[/s], [no comma] before I make you regret those words, Krlando.” Slamming the door with such force the frame shook, she heard his yell and laughed, [period instead] dumb idiot. Hope that hurt his hands bad.

Underlined: Thought bubbles in italics is best format. ^^

Walking back, she laid a bright smile on her face. Slowly pulling her chair out, she sat down.

Ew. Redundant in sentence structure. Action, main idea. Action, main idea. Try to fix that so it's not so irritating, lol.

Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glasses for his wife and himself. Sierra and Alexzander [s]then[/s] helped themselves to milk. Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Sierra interrupted, making him spill some onto the table, [period instead] he growled.

Pronouns are friends, but in this instance, I suggest different nouns. You repeat Alexzander's name too closely together, but if you said he the second time, readers may think you're talking about Antio. You could replace the second Alexzander with the latter or the boy.

Aside question: Are Sierra and Alexzander really that young still? And they beat their parents at something they couldn't?

“Alex. Listen and understand; [colon instead?] it’s not wrong to show fear!”

Wow, she's really going overboard with this fear-thing. It was only one time he didn't show "fear." Is it in her character to overreact like this? Or why is it not normal? Does Alexzander always show fear like Sierra does?

Alexzander slammed the jug down and hollered, “Sierra, you’re a weakling and always will be one! You’re just jealous, and if that’s how you feel, then let’s see who is best!” He stood up, knocking the chair over.

Standing up, Sierra knocked her chair backward in shock. She was stunned at her brother’s angry reaction, but she stood her ground, [period instead] “Alex, it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove [s]whose[/s] who's best. We’re both skilled, so let’s not argue.”

First, you seem to have a slight issue with tags; however, this is easily fixable. A tag usually has a verb such as said, hollered, yelled, cried, replied, etc. to indicate they are speaking in some way. If the tag does not have such a word, then it is not a tag. It is a statement to itself.

Second, whose is possessive. Who's is the contraction for who is, which is what you were looking for in this instance.

Quickly Melissa [s]try[/s] tried to keep peace, [period instead] “Now, you two, not now, [period instead] it’s been a tiring day, and Alexzander, clear that expression. she cares about you, [semi instead?] god, be glad she does.”

Underlined: I just want to make sure this is what you want her to say. A simple Not now, you two would be what a mother would say. If you wanted that extra now in the beginning, it's really because people today like to insert random words like that. Just like we insert like into our sentence. And I was going to, like, go shopping with my brother but he was, like, playing his games and refused to come with me. Now is the same thing, so it gets a special comma too. ^^

Just keep that in mind.

Sneering, [s]indignantly[/s] he indignantly added, “You’re such a wet blanket. It’s amazing you are even doing stunts with someone as talented as moi. Oh, and Mother, stay out of this!”

[s]Sierra[/s] Sierra's lip quivered slightly, and her eyes dampened. She then spoke, taking a deep breath after each sentence, [period instead] “I don’t want to fight. Please, Alexzander, stop…”

All of a sudden, a smirk appeared on her face, and she wiped her tears away, [period instead] “You’re technically not an adult yet, little brother!” Laying her hands at her elbows bent, she sneered all this.

The last sentence doesn't make sense. Laying her hands on her bent elbows, she sneered all this. I don't know how to fix it. In fact, I don't see how the sneer is affected by her hands lying on her bent elbows. They don't go together, so they shouldn't be combined in a sentence like this.

For a bit, it seemed like he would back off, [period instead] Sierra was just so sick of him and his arrogance, [semi instead] heck, if any of his fans met him, they’d realize he was nothing remarkable. Finally speaking, Alexzander seemed shakier, [period instead] she’d hit him right where he hated, [dash instead] his pride encompassed him, [dash instead] but with tact, he was easily hurt, [period instead] “But… who still is [s]worshipped[/s] worshiped?… [s]not[/s] Not you!”

Sighing angrily, Melissa spoke, her voice raised slightly, [period instead] “Son, if you continue…”

[New paragraph]

Standing up rather quickly, Antio growled, ignoring all pain from standing without his crutch, [period instead] “Alexzander, [s]shut up[/s] shut-up or all trips to town for you will be [s]cancelled[/s] canceled.”

Looking at both of them, Alexzander impulsively rolled his eyes and said. [comma instead] “Mother and Father, stay out of this! This is between me and Sierra, got it! [question mark instead]” Only after he had said these words, he [b]had realized how hollow they sounded, the affect of them had been. His anger lessened [s]and subsiding[/s], little he wasn’t so why had it stopped him so much?

Underlined: This is between me and Sierra, got it? It's a question because that's how it is. Even if he doesn't say it like a question, it's grammatically correct as a question.

Italicized: I couldn't make sense of the second half of this sentence. Lessened and subsided/ing are redundant, so I got rid of one, though you can choose which one you would like to keep. Then I read the second half of the sentence and got lost. I think you mean something like this, but I'm usually wrong when it comes to your writing : His anger lessened; little he wasn't, so why had it stopped him so much? As if Alex was taking Sierra's "little boy" insult a bit seriously, but I can't make anything else out of it.

“Really, Sierra, that was a low down move, bitch!” It was so difficult to get rid of the anger within; that sentence she’d thrown at him had hit him so damn hard.

I think that's what you mean...

Scowling at him, she replied, “You couldn’t keep your wonderful ego in check, so I had to!”

I know I correct dialogue sometimes, but it still has to make sense to the reader. The reader can get creative with dialogue; we know how people speak in real life. You can also subtly tell the reader how they slur their language sometimes.

Seeming very unsure now, he mumbled, “ Having an ego is better than being weak…”

Sierra turned away from him, muttering angrily, “Alexzander, your arrogance has cost you your sister and friend! I just hope it just doesn’t cost you your life.” She ran out door. Alexzander took one look at his father and saw he was livid, and then he turned to his mum, seeing [s]angry[/s] anger twinged [s]by[/s] with [?] disappointment.

I'm unsure about the with.

His mum looked at him and replied, “Alexzander, we don’t mind if you were afraid. It’s completely normal. We asked you to stop, and you didn’t, so consider privilege of going to town on probation for three months.”

Lol, I couldn't make any sense of that last sentence. I read it through countless times before I realized all it needed was a comma. LOL

“That’s not fair! She’s being a wet blanket about it, [semi or period isntead] I wasn’t afraid. big whoop!”

Looking down at the floor, Melissa muttered, “[s]Lives[/s] Life's not fair! Now when you feel mature enough to apologize. [comma instead] We’ll be here.”

Underlined: Melissa was muttering...so why does this have an exclamation point? Btw, the saying goes Life's not fair.

With blind fury in his eyes, Antio pointed towards the entrance.

Overall

Sheesh, that argument between Sierra and Antio made me angry. xD They both couldn't handle things maturely. Lordy... I thought Alexzander was a bit short-tempered, which is probably what you were going for. Sierra is as persistent as I am about the dialogue, lol. You were probably going for that too. I have no real nit-picks to discuss. Good job. I'll continue to the next chapter.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!