Masquerade Prologue

Masquerade- A party at which masks and costumes are worn, whether an informal gathering of friends or a formal ball.

We all have to agree, that parties are fun. If you don’t think its going to be fun, most likely that you’ll choose not to go, and if you still decide to go, then you shouldn’t have.

What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on in a life for many years, until hiding who you were became who you were? Could that mask ever be torn off to reveal a face of true emotion?

That exact thing happened to me, and as tears find my eyes wet, I write this, explaining to you one way to have so much safe fun, so that you lose yourself, and end up with as monstrous of a life as if you’d participated in unsafe fun.

Perfectly normal people crave randomness. They laugh at anything that is out of the ordinary. I took that to an insane extreme, I found others who had gone as far as me, and we remained that way as a group. This is the story of my young life. This is my masquerade.

Is this a prologue? If it is you should edit your title to Masquerade prologue.

This story sounds great! Hope you write more!

This is an interesting piece, but with a little more work, it will be a lot better.

We all have to agree take out comma that parties are fun. If you don’t think it is going to be fun, most likely that you’ll choose not to go, and if you still decide to go, then you shouldn’t have. this sentence is really awkward

What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on take out "in a life" for many years, until hiding who you were became who you were? Could that mask ever be torn off to reveal a face of true emotion?

That exact thing happened to me, and as tears find my eyes wet, I write this, explaining to you one way to have so much safe fun, so that you lose yourself, and end up with as monstrous of a life as if you’d participated in unsafe fun.

Perfectly normal people crave randomness is a poor word choice for this sentence. They laugh at anything that is out of the ordinary. I took that to an insane extreme, I found others who had gone as far as me, and we remained that way as a group. This is the story of my young life. This is my masquerade.


Overall, my biggest suggestion is to work on your sentence structure. There are some wacky, inverted sentences in this piece. It sounds interesting, though. PM me whenever!

Best, River

Er... is there more to this? There isn't really enough to critique based off just this short blurb. =/

Honestly, there's no story here. We need a tangible story, a decent-sized chunk of your story before it's critiquable. I mean, let's skip the appetizer and go straight to the main course, okay? I'm hungry. Let's rock and roll.

So yeah. Definitely need to post more before any real comments are going to come your way. ^^

Also, it's patronising your reader when you start off with a definition. If the reader doesn't know what a masquerade is, make them look it up. That's their problem, not yours.

So! Post more, mmkay?

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I think that this should have been longer before you posted it. Even Prologue's aren't normally this short. What we've seen was... intriguing, I suppose, but there needs to be more for me to truly express an opinion.

Oh, by the way, I liked the title (even if it's already been used), and it's what caused me to even open this. So good job on that.

If you don’t think its going to be fun, most likely that you’ll choose not to go, and if you still decide to go, then you shouldn’t have.

This should be: "If you don’t think its going to be fun, most likely you’ll choose not to go, and if you still decide to go, then will realize that you shouldn’t have." Or something like that, because as it is, it doesn't make much sense.

What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on in a life for many years, until hiding who you were became who you were?

This should be: "What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on for many years, until it hid who you really were?" You should either have "hid who you were" OR "became what you were" because the both don't sounds good together.

That exact thing happened to me, and as tears find my eyes wet, I write this, explaining to you one way to have so much safe fun, so that you lose yourself, and end up with as monstrous of a life as if you’d participated in unsafe fun.

That's one LONG sentence! #_#
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I agree with the others in that you should have either written in the title that this was a prologue, or posted more, because other than grammatical/flow type corrections, you don't give us much to say. I would like to see more imagery, because this is just emotion and some imagery cam really make it more powerful.

Let me know if you post more!

Please feel free to PM me.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

Not to be rude to other peoples' critiques, I find I must contradict someone else's opinion... nothing personal, 'kay? Starting off with a definition *can* be patronizing, but in a paragraph with so much emphasis on this word, so much wordplay around it, I think a definition is great. It drew me in, although I already knew what a masquerade was, and chances are so will almost every other reader.

Now, I admit I've been browsing with the intent of slapping a few half-hearted reviews here and there so I can post my story (this is my first review). I wasn't planning on actually getting into any... but I just did, with your story. Though it is unsatisfactorily short, I am most intrigued. I will keep up with this one!

That being said, the sentence structure is occasionally pretty weird, and I can't give you any more advice on it than what's already been supplied by others.

Looking forward to an update!

Thankyou everyone! I'll be working on my rather strange sentence structure for awhile...and then I'll edit it! Thankyou again!

Yeah, agree with the comments above me that prologues are normally longer than this. But besides that, I think you have an interesting start here. I mean, it makes the reader think about the questions you asked. I just suggest that you lengthen this and make it a longer prologue.

Well, that's all I got for nit-picks

Thankyou everyone! This was very helpful!

Let's see...all the errors here have already been found so...you know I love this! I know you're continueing so I can't hardly wait for more! Whenever a story is a different kind of definition of a word I get excited!
Yeah...I'll be looking out but make sure you work on everything else, too! Which I know you will, but still! I'll be interesting to see how this turns out in the end.