Gaara

This poem is inspired by Gaara from Naruto. The specific episode that inspired me is the fight in the forest between him and Naruto.



Eyes that are full of loneliness


Eyes that are full of loneliness,
are those with out love, those with out friends.
Eyes that are full of loneliness,
are eyes that show the heart with in.
Eyes that are full of loneliness,
are eyes that I have seen.
Eyes that are full of loneliness,
are eyes that I have been.
I have been with out friends,
I have been without them.
Lonely, I am scared to admit,
but lonely is it.
I stand on sand that rushes to aid me.
I've never been touch, not in any way.
There is a whole where I'm suppose to love.
It never seems to fade away.
I am lost and alone.
In my own head I don't feel at home.
It is dark and cold.
What else did I expect it to be?
I've been here before,
but each time it scares me.

Just a quick reminder: you don't have to write an introduction explaining your poem. I'm pretty sure that is one of the reasons why this poem hasn't gotten as many critiques as it could.

With that said, I think there are too many "eyes filled with loneliness." You keep on repeating the word lonely, lonely, lonely, until the reader feels like the word is slammed into his face. Instead of just repetition, show us how he is lonely. I don't know who Gaara is, so when you say that this is based off of a fight scene, that means nothing to me. Perhaps, to make it more meaningful to a wider audience, you can set up the conflict and say why he is lonely, which would make us connect more to him as a character. Then this whole poem would seem that much more meaningful.

Best of luck editing!

That was really nice!
Being a Naruto lover I was really eager to read this. And you didn't dissapoint me.
As another person said, 'eyes full of loneliness' shouldn't have been repeated so many times.

I have been with out friends,
I have been without them.

Whose them? The friends? If so, why repeat it?

There is a whole where I'm suppose to love.

Whole? You mean hole right?

other than that, nicely done!

I agree with Snoink. Repeating "eyes full of loneliness" just drives the reader nuts. You also seemed to have some issues with compound words. "With out" should be "without" and "with in" should be "within".

At the moment, there isn't much here that captures my interest. Okay, you're alone and lonely and you're standing on the beach. Or at least the narrator is. As an old English teacher often said (she was referring to essays but I think it applies here) "So what?" Why should I, the reader, care about your lonesome narrator? What happened that made him/her/it so darn lonely? Why does he/she/it have so much trouble with love? Why does loneliness scare him/her? Try answering those questions while making it sound poetic and interesting.

Just for the record, you don't have to rhyme. It seems like you were trying to, but it didn't really work. Strive for the right word, not just one that fits a rhyme scheme.

Keep writing!

Hello.

As the others have said, you have repeated "eyes full of loneliness" too often. If you want to say it so many times, I suggest integrating it to other parts of the poem. You have that same line repeated over and over in the beginning. You should say each "eyes full of loneliness" and its idea and then expand on it with a few lines. Then go to the next "eyes full of loneliness" and its idea.

Lonely, I am scared to admit,
but lonely is it.

I don't like this line at all. It doesn't make much sense. You repeat "lonely" and "loneliness" way to often!

There is a whole where I'm suppose to love.

I think you're looking for the word "hole". As in a empty place. Right?

So, the whole poem sounds good. It is very deep and has good imagery. The only thing I would fix is the repetition. You need to do something like I mentioned above.

Keep on writing,
~Timea

Talk about driving your point home... He's lonely we get it . Now for critique this isn't a poem I'm afraid. Poem use imagery, metaphors and other langauge techniques. This to me isn't. It's repeatition which eventaully bores the reader. Plus even though this poem isn't about you. It's navel gazing, and not to mention it's also a 'poor me' poem. You give us no reason to care. You never explain why we should feel sorry for him, you just repeat he's lonely on and on. Bash us on the head why don't ya?

Overall: This poem is terrible, and should be scrapped or start from scatch because right now it isn't a poem. It's not even prose, it's just words, with no real langauge techniques and enough repition to drive the most calm person insane! My advice for now is read poetry on here and learn a bit more, maybe try again.

Good luck
VSN