The Way it Used to Be (two voices, one soul)

I loved the way you touched my hair
The way you looked into my eyes
The way I felt so safe and sound
When you held me in your arms

just fly across the sky now
away into the blue
nothing really matters now
i’ve had enough with you

All the times I spent with you
The memories you share with me
And when I think of them, I smile:
I loved the way it used to be

i know i shouldn’t bother
i know that you don’t care
but no matter how i try, i fail
i just can’t leave you there

But here I am, I stand alone
I’m approaching critical mass—
The burden fills me up like rain
--it won’t be long before I crash

will you ever listen to me?
or is your caring really gone?
i know i should be giving up
just act like nothing’s wrong

I wish I could give up this fight
Trust me, if I could, I would;
I feel like I’m about to die—
I’ve been done in, I feel no good

(How do you even sleep at night?)

Okay, just let me say that I LOVE this poem! It was such an amazing thing to read! I love the switch between the stanzas. And the capitalization on only one of them rocks. I love the way that you've written this.

Surprisingly, there is nothing that I would change. It's so awesome... its just that most poems nowadays are about heartbreak... and it's becoming a little cliche, but who cares?

Great job. I love it.

-Jared

thanks.

yeah, i realize the cliche-ness to it, but i understand. poetry's a great catharsis for alot of people (me included--apparently.)

thus is kinda how i feel about my ex-boyfriend at the moment, so that's what all the heartbreak is about. >.>

I'm not bothered by the cliche part of it. A lot of things are cliche nowadays; hey, even claiming something is cliche is cliche'd. Pretty sad. The poem's great, but I think the way it jumps back and forth is a bit distracting...Perhaps there's a way you can rewrite it so it doesn't confuse.

Hello.
One thing I noticed was no punctuation. Though I only noticed it after reading the entire poem and looking back at it. I think you can easily add them in where needed so I won't bother.

I loved the way you touched my hair
The way you looked into my eyes
The way I felt so safe and sound
When you held me in your arms

**After reading the poem I realized that this was the only stanza that didn't rhyme...it would be a lot more effective if it did like the other lines. As far as content I think that this part was a little too cliched and bland. There could be imagery here.

just fly across the sky now
away into the blue
nothing really matters now
i’ve had enough with you

**I love this stanza. The italicized ones seem like the best. I just don't understand why you suddenly didn't capitalize whenever you italicized, it didn't make sense to me.

All the times I spent with you
The memories you share with me
And when I think of them, I smile:
I loved the way it used to be

**"times" can be changed to just "time." This is so simple and cute that I can't really call it bland only because I know it gets better in the next stanza, it works with your style throughout the poem.

i know i shouldn’t bother
i know that you don’t care
but no matter how i try, i fail
i just can’t leave you there

**Love the last line in this. It says a lot in just a few words.

But here I am, I stand alone
I’m approaching critical mass—
The burden fills me up like rain
--it won’t be long before I crash

**Great job, I love the imagery of the rain.

will you ever listen to me?
or is your caring really gone?
i know i should be giving up
just act like nothing’s wrong

**"or is your caring really gone" didn't really fit the voice that you had in the rest of the poem. It sounded a little too toned down.

I wish I could give up this fight
Trust me, if I could, I would;
I feel like I’m about to die—
I’ve been done in, I feel no good

**"I feel no good." Didn't feel like a very powerful ending, so I'm glad that you had "How do you even sleep at night?" Because it just sort of wraps everything up. Great job on this. It really has potential.

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing! (overused saying)
~Rieda

i loved your peom everything to me antways flowed just like it should.
selena

I like this poem alot, It was touching. It flowed, and it was smooth.

thanks for all the reviews. ^__^

i guess i should explain a little. the italicized parts are a different, I'm not sure how to say it....point of view?. it's the same person, just two different voices, i guess. if that makes any sense.

and also, reida, you forgot the very last line....

(How do you even sleep at night?)

but that's ok.

This poem was very touching, and because of that most people will feel related to the subject of it. Great job! I love it!

I loved this poem. I have tears running down my face.
Great job! You're poem should have came with a box of tissues.

awww, blacktiger, i'm sorry!!!

*hands huge box of tissues and cries with you*

I liked this poem. A lot of emotion to it. I am not bothered my the cliche-ish of this. Keep it up!

I've been through something like this but with a really close old friend, he's gone from my life now...
the poem has meaning and I love it and it also breaks my heart.
But keep it up, its really moving.