Heaven and Hell

editing

Ooh! That was a wonderful poem! I especially liked the last two lines. Okay, welcome to YWS, by the way.

Okay, now you heaven and hell defintions were very good. Expect the rhyming was incredibly forced. I am going to edit it. My comments are in bold.

Heaven, [comma] a place of joy and happiness,
Where anger and hate never is,
A place where we live in prosperity with our friends and posterity, >> these words sound too much alike. I would get rid of 'posterity'.
A place where no serpents lies,
And no love [could] ever die.
Hell, a place of hate and strife
[s]Here[/s][In hell] can exist no life
A place where we have neither family nor friends
A place where suffering never ends,
A place where the serpent with all his might [new line]
blocks out [all] the light.

Again, this was a fantastic poem! I loved it!

-Jared

Hi its SimonCowellLuver how are you? Ok the first stanza was gret matter of fact. But i had some problems with the secon one...

Hell, a place of hate and strife
Here can exist no life
A place where we have neither family nor friends
A place where suffering never ends,
A place where the serpent with all his might blocks out the light

If you wanna rhyme in your poem make sure not just half of it rhyme you gottta make sure all of it rhymes or it will sound cliche.

Sorry to be harsh but that is all i gotta say for today. PM if you have questions.

SimonCowellLuver

Thank you both for your help

It was...interesting. Really, I liked it pretty good. I don't necessarily agree with all of it (especially the last two lines), but that's for another day. I thought it was pretty good, though!