The Battle Chapter 1(Part One): Break In

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The streets are dark and the rain pelts me insistently. I walk through the darkness with my head down not making eye contact with any of the bums or prostitutes that roam my neighborhood. My mind is set on one track; an address running over and over in my head. For miles I walk until I see the building finally loom before me. It’s a ritzier apartment building than most; one that requires an access code to get through. My friend hadn’t informed me of this obstacle.
I puzzle over it for a second and study the huge building. Surely there is another entrance other than for tenants. I wander around the parking lot until I find a door marked “Employees Only” that also demands an access code. Above the door though, a large window shows another opportunity. Normally I am hesitant to literally “break” in due to all the high-tech alarms they have these days. Then again I should have known it wasn’t going to be as easy as just waltzing in and getting the job done.
I pull my hoody tighter over my head and bring my fist back for the blow. Now I hesitate, deciding where the best place to hit it would be. Although the whole act of breaking glass pretty much describes itself as being dangerous, I want to avoid pain as much as possible. My knuckles finally land at the top of the window and the glass breaks easily. I listen intently for an alarm, and then make my way inside.
The hallway was brightly lit and I hear laughter coming from a nearby staircase. I hurry to take off my gloves and black hoody and toss them in the trash just as a couple appears in front of me. I throw on a wonderful smile and glide by wishing them a good night. Just before I disappear up the stairs I hear them comment on what a good “neighbor” they have. I can’t help but smirk.
I take the steps two at a time till I reach the fifth floor then lean against the rail. I close my eyes and listen to the thumping of my heart. Its rhythmic at first; soothing my nerves. Then the adrenaline starts to flow through my blood. Everything has been leading up to this moment. I chuckle a little to myself then enter the long hallway.




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Very nice beginning, I did not see any grammer or spelling mistakes, and it kept my attention the whole time.

Then you ended it at a cliffhanger! I curse thee! But really I hope you countine with this, and I am looking forward to more good work from you.

What I am really looking forward to is more detail about the character, and his reasons for breaking in. Also for a chapter this is pretty short, but it can work I suppose.
Lost Odyssey, Xbox 360:
Jansen: "What? We gotta cross the mountain? Your kidding there isn't even a road!"
Seth: "Your in trouble if you wear out this easily..."
Jansen: "WELL I DON'T WEAR OUT IN BED!"




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The ending was the finest part of the whole thing. Keep that. The only thing I would suggest is giving us a bit more background on the protagonist, like Soul said. But that's about it. Unless this was meant to be a short little thing, then otherwise I suppose it's fine..
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.




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Thank you guys. I am glad you like it. I know the first part is short and it isn't the complete chapter. I just wanted to post a little bit to see if it was even worth pursuing. :D




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Hey, tRiCk! What's up? Welcome to YWS, by the way. Ok, this is common in newbies (hehe) but be sure to put a space between each paragraphs, like I am doing.

Oooh! This was very intriguing! It's a way good start. You should post more.

There isn't a whole lot for me to critique on. It was so well written - the suspense is killing me.

So, when you post #2, tell me, please?

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Alright, cool. I am glad you guys like it so much! :)




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I liked it, it looks like it has a lot of potential.

With a name like THE BATTLE it sounds like it could be some kind of awsome action story with lots of fighting and killing and blood. :smt068 :smt062 :smt072 :smt118 :smt040 :smt041 :smt021 :smt027 :smt075 :smt117

Cath a chicken!!! :smt026




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Hey that was really good. I'm just a newbie but when I start getting better at reveiws PM and I'll look at any other work you got. :)

D7M



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