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Bang! And they all died


Bang, it was one shot but it ended the life of Richard Hornsby Smith better known as Ricky the most popular kid on the estate. There were too many murders on Monday last week rich girl Chloe had been shot. The following Thursday Crisstie her sister had been shot. And Richard (Ricky) was just too much so we had to find out
(We as in me Crystal and my sister Flora) what was happening too many people were dying it was even becoming just daily news. We started by talking to the local hard guy John we wouldn’t have normally been talking with him but Flora’s best friend Mandy is his sister so we just made it look like interest.

We started by asking him questions like “do you know if anyone has a grudge on the three people that died”
he answered “no I mean they were really nice people so they didn’t have any enemies” then we asked him if he knew anyone we could suspect he said “there’s only one gang in London called ‘The Blood_Wolves’ that would kill so much that I happen to know so I will make some inquires for you girl okay” he also said in a aggressive voice “if you dare tell anyone what I told you because right now I am being kind, later you shall have the same fate as Richard Crisstie and Chloe. Then we went.
So we had found out some things and some things were to wait.

We carried on some investigations with the local gangs they all said that it might be the Blood_Wolves seriously we haven’t found anything out except maybe the BW’s (Blood Wolves) killed them. Bang, a shot was heard we ran a girl teenager ran past us hooded a man shouted that she was the killer so we started running as this girl could be the end of our investigation. We ran and ran there weren’t many people some had got scared others had run out of breath. The girl ran over a fence we followed but then Flora fell off and I ran down to help her because she’d hurt herself badly her hand was scraped and was bleeding and her ankle looked bad it was quite swollen. We went to our aunt’s house Flora had been a lot higher than me on the gate so she had lots of bruises here and there.

My aunt had been shocked to see us like that so we went through the whole story she said she wouldn’t tell mum and dad and we’d stay her house tonight because we weren’t fit to go home. Id just realised but the gates edge had sliced through a bit of my palm we drove to hospital to see if Flora’s leg was okay and to examine my hand. Flora was given a cast and me a bandage and my aunt told my mum that I and Flora were staying for 3 weeks and she went out and brought our clothes in large Nike bags.

Dinner was really nice we all talked and had some good laughs. The next 3 weeks were going to be wonderful. Then we’d carry on our investigations. The next three weeks were so fun. There was so much laughter. If I’d known what would happen next I would have cried. The day we were meant to go back home dad came knocking at auntie’s house. Flora’s cast had been taken off a week ago and she could walk properly again. He sat us all down and told us the news mum had been shot with a message written on the wall in blood ‘DON’T LOOK FOR ME OR I SHALL KILL YOU AS WELL’. He didn’t know what that meant but me and Flora did and also throughout the past 3 weeks I had been making more scientific investigations my brother worked in a lab so I sent him cloth samples from the murder places. The results came back and there were no DNA on any of them I’m only 15 but I can be quite clever when I feel like and I’d really felt like it then.

But people had seen me do these searches they could be looking for me right now. So the next 2 weeks mum got better the shot had been on her shoulder (phew) and I kept a low profile. That did not mean we were going to stop. If mum got shot, she got shot for a reason and we weren’t going to let our mum nearly die for something we were going to stop so easily. And then just today I have just realised it can’t be the BW’s because they don’t let any girls in there group or maybe they would to do the killings so still under suspicion but not likely.

John came to my house me and Flora just told him to get in the living room. Mum was shocked but we told her it was just a thing we needed sorted so could she leave. John explained to us none of the BW’s knew what happened to those people that had died or my mum. And in fact I was not surprised at all. All the clues led to a girl I had my suspicions on. I can’t tell you her name yet but what I will tell you she WAS at the murder scenes I can place her in any and I don’t know her motive yet and everyone would think it was unlikely to be her but I know better. I followed her everywhere until one day the BANG came again this time on her my only suspect she’d been framed I’d guessed but by who.

Her mum and dad were out of the question her brother she had like 15 million friends each of them one by one I checked them out in a less agreeable way Sophie Cornsworth(THAT’S HER MY ONLY SUSPECT, DEAD OF COURSE) dropped her phone book when she died. I read all her friends checked them out all of them didn’t really matter except one. Melinda Barnsby the most unpopular girl in school I hated her everyone hated her so I placed her at each crime scene by doing top secret enquires.

Oh my god the killer was Melinda Barnsby I’ve placed her at every crime scene she has a motive and a GUN. I have to calm down I will tell you the story from the beginning it started this morning when I saw her talking to the leader of the BW’s saying “I’ll bring back your gun but I have one more murder to complete”
“Who” asked the leader.
“A young nosy parker called Crystal” I listened a bit more and found out that she was planning to kill me on Thursday at the restaurant I have a Thursday and Monday job there.

I can’t believe I have this all recorded on tape. Me and Flora are off to the police oh yeah and there were 3 more murders last night but before we go to the police I’m off to Melinda’s house to ask her why well actually I knew she wouldn’t have her gun because she hid it in the mud near the river knocked on the door and asked to see Melinda but her mum said she was crying cause of Sophie hah she murdered her. I said I would comfort her. Her mum showed me to her room where she WAS crying. She stood up and then she said “I was expecting you” I then asked

“How did you know I would come?” I asked in amazement I had not told anyone not even Flora about my last visit. “Because I know nosy parkers want the last laugh Crystal I know that you have got the edge and you are about to stick me in a place that I will never forget but let this help you in the after world the killer always gets the last laugh” she was crazy mad a freak I needed to get away now or else I knew she was going to murder me then she revealed a gun and then I looked around the room and studied my only exit the window her floor was 2nd and I would get quite a lot of bruises but it was better than dying. By this time she was cackling like a crazy monster. Melinda want some food for you and your friend called her mum no she said and turned around as she said it in that split second I ran out of the window. As I crashed out quite a few members of the public went to help me and the police I was quite surprised but later flora told me that she had decided to go by herself because she was scared Melinda would murder someone else. I had a broken arm and leg. But the doctors told me it would mend easily and it did.

By Fatima

Well...I'll be honest. Great story. But there are a few things you're going to wanna fix if you want to improve it.

Grammar: You definitely should get someone you know to run through the piece and get it checked for this. I saw a lot of errors that are easily fixed. Just giving you a heads up.

Pace: The story jumped from scene to scene with hardly any transitions. You should next time try to do something like this: the scene when the protagonist found out she was goign to be killed, you should try to introduce how she found out and expand that scene. When I say expanding, I mean try to write it as another chapter or something like that.

Imagery: Descriptions are important in a story; they help the reader see what the writer is describing in the scene. Next time, describe the scene: where it takes place, what the protagonist or characters' appearances. It never hurts to describe what a scene or person looks like in your head.

Showing, not Telling: This story told the reader everything, instead of explaining through dialogue or through action. The narrator tells the story as if she's reciting an old anecdote. Next time, use a scene where the explanation of a part of the plot comes by characters talking, or an action occurs that helps the protagonist realize something important.

It's a great start to a story, but keep these things in mind in the future; they served me well when I was starting to write.

Hi, and welcome to YWS! It's usual to leave at least two reviews before you post your first piece. Anyway, here's hoping you'll stick around!

Corrections and comments in bold:

Bang! And they all died.


Bang, it was one shot but it ended the life of Richard Hornsby Smith better known as Ricky the most popular kid on the estate.split this up, after the word Smith I would begin a new sentence. There were too many murders on Monday last week rich girl Chloe had been shot. huh? I think you mean There were too many murders last week. On Monday, rich girl Chloe had been shot.The following Thursday Crisstie her sister had been shot. And Richard (Ricky) was just too much so he was killed last? Be sure to make that clear so we had to find out
(We no capital, and don't start a new line here as in me, Crystal, and my sister Flora) what was happening. Too many people were dying it was even becoming [s]just[/s] daily news. We started by talking to the local hard guy John. We wouldn’t have normally been talking with him but Flora’s best friend Mandy is his sister so we just made it look like interest.

We started by asking him questions like “Do you know if anyone has a grudge on the three people that died?”

He answered “No, I mean they were really nice people so they didn’t have any enemies.”

Then we asked him if he knew anyone we could suspect. He said “There’s only one gang in London called ‘The Blood_Wolves’ that would kill so much that I happen to be a part of though I don’t do the killing but I get profits for how much I pay so I will make some inquires for you girl okayWow, run-on much? Try: There's only one gang in London that would kill so much. It's called the Blood_Wolves -also, why the underscore?- Then, well, I don't think he would admit to being a part of this bloodthirsty gang in such a casual manner. But if you want him to, try: I happen to be a part of it, though I don't do the killings. But I get profits- wait, huh? Profits for how much he pays? Make it clearer.- for how much I pay. I will make inquiries for you girls, okay?”

He also said in a aggressive voice “If you dare tell anyone what I told you because right now I am being kind, later you shall have the same fate as Richard, Crisstie and Chloe."

Then we went, as for telling what he said to us unless we wanted bombs thrown at our house we wouldn’t tell.

So we had found out some things and some things were to wait.

We carried on some investigations with the local gangs. Okay, how? They just went around all the gangs they know? Describe, elaborate They all said that it might be the Blood_Wolves. Seriously we haven’t hadn'tfound anything out except maybe the BW’s (Blood_Wolves) killed them.

Give a better introduction into the action sceneBang, a shot was heard. We ran. A girl teenager ran past us, hooded. A man shouted that she was the killer so we started running as this girl could be the end of our investigation. We ran and ranFind a different word for ran for at least on of the instances in this paragraph. There weren’t many people, many people where? some had got scared, others had run out of breath. The girl ran over a fence you can't run over a fence unless it's already been trampled into the ground . We followed but then Flora fell off fell off what? and I ranstop saying ran, it's really repetitive! down to help her. She’d hurt herself badly her hand was scraped and was bleeding and her ankle looked bad, it was quite swollen. We went to our aunt’s house Flora had been a lot higher than me on the gate so she had lots of bruises here and there.

My aunt had been shocked to see us like that so we went through the whole story. She said she wouldn’t tell mum and dad and we’d stay at her house tonight because we weren’t fit to go home. I'd just realised that the gate's edge had sliced through a bit of my palm. We drove to hospital to see if Flora’s leg was okay and to examine my hand. Flora was given a cast and me a bandage and my aunt told my mum that I and Flora were staying for 3three -never write in numbers weeks and she went out and brought our clothes in large Nike bags.

Dinner was really nice we all talked and had some good laughs. The next 3 weeks were going to be wonderful. Then we’d carry on our investigations.

The next three weeks were so fun. There was so much laughter. If I’d known what would happen next I would have cried. The day we were meant to go back home Dad came knocking at auntie’s house. Flora’s cast had been taken off a week ago and she could walk properly again. He sat us all down and told us the news. Mum had been shot and a message had been written on the wall in blood ‘DON’T LOOK FOR ME OR I SHALL KILL YOU AS WELL’. He didn’t know what that meant but me and Flora Flora and Idid and also throughout the past 3 weeks I had been making more scientific investigations. My brother don't you mean our brother, as in yours and Flora's? worked in a lab so I sent him cloth samples how did you get these? Did the police not take them all? from the murder places. The results came back and there were no DNA on any of them I’m only 15 fifteen but I can be quite clever when I feel like and I’d really felt like it then.

But people had seen me do these searches they could be looking for me right now. So the next 2 two weeks Mum got better the shot had been on her shoulder (phew) why didn't you say so? We thought she was dead and I kept a low profile. That did not mean we were going to stop. If Mum got shot, she got shot for a reason and we weren’t going to let our mum nearly die for something we were going to stop so easily it hasn't been easy so far!. And then just today I have just realised it can’t be the BW’s because they don’t let any girls in there theirgroup or maybe they would to do the killings so still under suspicion but not likely.

John came to my house. Flora and I just told him to get in the living room. Mum was shocked but we told her it was just a thing we needed sorted so could she leave leave where?. John explained to us none of the BW’s knew what happened to those people that had died or my mum. And in fact I was not surprised at all. All the clues led to a girl I had my suspicions on. I can’t tell you her name yet but what I will tell you she WAS at the murder scenes I can place her in any and I don’t know her motive yet and everyone would think it was unlikely to be her but I know better. I followed her everywhere until one day the BANG came again this time on her, my only suspect. She’d been framed I’d guessed but by who?

Her mum and dad were out of the question her brother her brother what? she had like 15 million friends each of them one by one I checked them this doesn't make sense, any of this sentence, and I'm not sure what you're trying to say out in a less agreeable way less agreeable than what? Sophie Cornsworth(THAT’S HER MY ONLY SUSPECT, DEAD OF COURSE) caps burn my eyes dropped her phone book when she died. I read all her friends checked them out all of them didn’t really try none of them really matttered matter except one. Melinda Barnsby the most unpopular girl in school I hated her everyone hated her but she was one of Sophie's friends? Why did everyone hate her? so I placed her at each crime scene by doing top secret enquires inquiries.

Oh my god the killer was Melinda Barnsby I’ve placed her at every crime scene she has a motive and a GUN. I have to calm down I will tell you the story from the beginning It started this morning when I saw her talking to the leader of the BW’s saying “I’ll bring back your gun but I have one more murder to complete.”

“Who?” asked the leader.

“A young nosy parker called Crystal,”

I listened a bit more and found out that she was planning to kill me on Thursday at the restaurant I have a Thursday and Monday job at.

I can’t believe I have this all recorded on tape. you didn't tell us thatFlora and Iare off to the police. Oh yeah and there were 3 more murders three more murders? And this is just an afternote? Who were they? Why? last night but before we go to the police I’m off to Melinda’s house to ask her why well actually I knew she wouldn’t have her gun because she hid it in the mud near the river knocked on the door and asked to see Melinda but her mum said she was crying cause of Sophie hah she murdered her this sentence needs reworking, I can't make sense of it. I said I would comfort her. Her mum showed me to her room where she WAS crying. She stood up and then she said “I was expecting you.” [s]I then asked[/s]

“How did you know I would come?” I asked in amazement. I had not told anyone not even Flora about my last visit.

“Because I know nosy parkers want the last laugh, Crystal I know that you have got the edge and you are about to stick me in a place that I will never forget but let this help you in the after world the killer always gets the last laugh.” She was crazy mad a freak I needed to get away now or else I knew she was going to murder me. Then she revealed a gun and then I looked around the room and studied my only exit, the window. Her floor was 2nd try her room was on the second floor and I would get quite a lot of bruises but it was better than dying. By this time she was cackling like a crazy monster. Melinda want some food for you and your friend called her mum no she said and turned around as she said it in that split second I ran out of the window you've missed out speech marks, I don't know who's speaking, and Stella is confused. As I crashed out quite a few members of the public went to help me and the police I was quite surprised but later Flora told me that she had decided to go by herself because she was scared Melinda would murder someone else. I had a broken arm and leg. But the doctors told me it would mend easily and it did.

Whew. Okay, you have a good story here, and with a little work it could be really, really good.

However:

-your grammar needs serious work. You need to learn how to start new sentences, you tend to run on, wuite a few of these took me two or three readings over to decide what you were trying to say.

-you switch from present to past tense a lot. I didn't correct most of these because I wasn't sure: is this supposed to be in diary form? If it is, make sure we know that.

-Okay, one of YWS' favourite phrases: show, don't tell. Look around, you'll see it being used everywhere. This means describe things to us. Don't list details off. Make your story flow the way life does. Don't tell us the story, show us what you see in your mind.

-You say "Then this happened, then that happened". This is my English teachers worst nightmare. Never list off events like this. It's messy and boring and a reader loses interest. Don't make your story into a list of things that happened one after the other.

Hope I helped! PM me if you have any questions!!

Stella x

Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation.

You particularly need to put a lot of commas in. Remember, as I recently pointed out to someone else, commas are your friend. They help stop it being a big long rush that runs together.

I won't go into detail, because I'm afraid I couldn't get past the first two paragraphs or so because of this. It made it extemely difficult to read. Some of it also makes no sense at all because of a lack of punctuation. Read it through carefully, think about where the pauses should be; it might help if you read it out loud to get a sense of where the punctuation should go.

It was also unclear where people were speaking. Remember to begin a new line for each new speaker; on here it is helpful to leave a line between each lot of speech, because this makes it easier to read.

It comes across as quite rushed; take your time, and I agree, try not to have 'and then this happened, and then this happened...' sort of thing, because it does come across as a list of what happens. Take time to develop your characters and dialogue.

You might want to look at some basic things like how to write dialogue, and make sure you know how to use all of the punctuation properly.